I Am Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Warning: Self pity entry
I want to give up on love. I can no longer tell myself that it's going to happen for me. I don't have that belief any longer. I feel that I have searched for so long and so hard, but it doesn't even matter. It's useless for me. No one that I am interested in can love me. Either who I am looking for doesn't exsist, or I am not good enough for the kind of guy I want. Either way, it all just means that I will never be loved by someone that I am in love with. So my options are to either marry someone I am not in love with, or have children with out being married. I don't mind having children and not being married... However, I can't afford it.
I feel so broken. I feel absolutely misunderstood. I am a good person. I am really a good person. I am openly honest. I am openly sincere. I don't bitch. I don't cry. I don't nag. I don't try to change people. I am polite. I give compliments. I stand up for people. I can feel so much emotion that my heart will stop beating, but I will never let someone know that I am sad for fear that it will upset them. The last thing I want to do is upset anyone. I keep on doing for people, even the people that hurt me. I try so damn hard. Then I also not try just so I can make myself more evened-out. I am constintantly trying to be everything that everyone wants me to be. I keep quiet when silence is needed. I speak out when something needs to be heard. I voice my opinion, but keep quiet if someone doesn't believe the same I believe, just to avoid an argument. I openly admit my faults. I try to fix the faults I have. I am a strong woman, yet I can be soft and gentle. I can sing. I can create music on the piano that many have never even heard. I am talented. I am brave. I know how to love with all my heart and am never afraid to do it. I am faithful. I am smart. I can see the truth in someone before they say it. Yet, I give everyone the benifit of the doubt. I believe everyone is innocent until proven otherwise. I am all these things that I say I am. Not just because I say them, but because I believe them. I believe them because I see them and feel them every day. I know who I am. I am a person that is here, put together with goodness and strength, but that is not enough. The horrible thing is, I know why. The horrible truth stares back at me every time I look into the mirror. As plain as can be. It's what made me all the things I just mentioned.
It's not fair. I want to rip out my heart from my chest and physically give it to someone. Sometimes I just want it out of me. I hate the way it always feels. Empty. Un-used. Useless. I guess I am those things too. That is how I feel. That is me too.
Tomorrow I have to bare another day feeling this alone. How many more tomorrows will there be? How many more.
Her
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One thing I noticed about your entry that stood out was this "I am constintantly trying to be everything that everyone wants me to be." Maybe that's partially why you are so unhappy, you try so hard to make everyone else so happy. You are what most ppl would call a 'people pleaser,' and in that pleasing others you overlook what will make you truly happy. I don't know for certain, but it's just [Solitary17] 3/2/2005 7:51:07 AM
a thought, b/c I tend to be the same way. Anyway, I hope you feel better hun. [Solitary17] 3/2/2005 7:51:56 AM
I love U...from too far away!!! Chadfound 3/3/2005 4:20:26 AM
i am so sorry you feel this way, m'dear. someday i sincerely hope you will find someone who loves that girl, who loves everything that you are. someone who can renew your faith in love. you are so kind. you deserve it.
all i can do is empathise. hugs
but don't just give your heart to anyone. sell it on the black market! double the profits of just donating it. [mayonessa]
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