It’s snowing. It’s snowing and the weirdest thing about that is the fact that I have a little smidge of energy today. I drank a V8 energy and took an adderall just before I started typing this. I’m going to pull up a word document and start typing a to-do list while I wait for the adderall to kick in. I’m going to get something accomplished today instead of just Neopets.
I woke up late again and it was 2:04. I jumped up thinking it was monday and time to watch GH. It’s Sunday. I haven’t had that OMG I’m gonna be late for school type feeling in years so that was fun. It did give me some motivation though. Thinking about posting my daily to-dos here and then at the end of the day writing about the ones I did or didn’t and why but at the same time, my ADHD havingass isn’t going to remember. I’m so terrible with keeping up with things. I’m shocked that I managed to write something here every day (even though I had to put them all up as backdated later). I talk a lot about energy and motivation but that is just because my baseline is essentially a battery at 30%. 100% is a rarity that I get maybe a couple times a year at most. A really good day is maybe 60%. When I first started on Wellbutrin, I had the baseline energy of a normal, neurotypical person with no mental health issues....and my doctor called it Mania. I was not manic! My baseline was just where it was supposed to be for once. I was actually really upset to hear her call it mania. I know my body, I know my brain, and I know what mania feels like. That wasn’t it. I need that, I needed that. I didn’t want to just lay around all the time in those couple months. I was functioning. Since then it’s back to being a fight. Luckily it helped with the anxiety but she picked wellbutrin as kind of a catch-all. Now I’m on wellbutrin for anxiety, prozac for major depressive disorder and nothing for ADHD. (Don’t question the Adderall....)
My current doctor refuses to even acknowledge that I have ADHD unless I go thorough “rigorous testing” to make sure my symptoms aren’t anything else. I am textbook ADHD. I have nearly all the signs and doctors/teachers/etc have agreed since I was little. No official diagnosis, though. Which leaves me and my baseline 30% energy to fight every day to get anything done. Do you know how much it pisses me off that I’m self-aware of my mental health to the point where I KNOW it’s executive dysfunction, I KNOW I just need to get up and do the thing but I still can’t. It’s not that I’m lazy or don’t want to, I WANT TO DO THE THINGS, brain just won’t let me. So I sit here with my thoughts going a million miles a second, telling me how worthless/useless/lazy I am for not being able to just do simple tasks. I was talking yesterday about ADHD being a disability. This is why. Simple tasks are so fucking hard and have so many steps. If I were neurotypical, I’d just do the tasks like they were second nature, easy as breathing.
Wait. This isn’t supposed to be a mental health rant. It’s supposed to be my entry a day for today.
6 of my cats are all loose down here for the first time in a while. Usually they take turns. Surprisingly no one is being chaotic today! Athena and Neffi were sleeping beside me and looking over every now and then to see what the noise is. Pork (Wilford as my mom calls him) is rolling around beside me now but he smells like pee. Hopefully he didn’t roll around near the dog kennel and it’s just in my head that he smells. I’m not finding out right now.
He has pee on his neck. I have to go wash that off now.....Maybe I’ll be back....
Several hours later
He got a bath and didn’t protest at all for the entire thing. My mom and I traded collectables on neopets so we could both get closer to completing our albums. I ate some berries and a muffin, continued playing neopets and that’s about it. JJ and Brother played GTA for a few hours and now it’s like 3:30 and I need to go to sleep
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