Dear God,
I am hurting. I feel sad, and I recognize that I am self-sabotaging. I need Your help to stop. I don’t know how to do this on my own. I feel scared and alone, and often I feel like I don’t have anyone I can truly talk to. I want these days to be over. I desire a better way of life.
Days and days have passed…
It’s now ten minutes past 6 a.m. I’m using a phone I bought during a power outage. I’m not even sure I needed to buy it—I think I jumped the gun. My old phone feels like it’s on its last leg, and not having a reliable phone has been incredibly frustrating. Then my TV started acting up too. I found myself overwhelmed by the smallest things—my electronics not working, my routine disrupted—and it all piled up.
And then I thought: how long has it been since I’ve spoken to You? I haven’t talked to You in a while, and I’m sorry for that. I think part of the reason is that I’ve been smoking. I see now how it steals my time—putting me to sleep at strange hours, waking me up in the middle of the night, pulling me away from stillness with You.
I told myself that once I quit my teaching job, I would quit smoking for good. But the entire process—preparing for Miami, transitioning my life—has been a lot. Not a nightmare exactly, just overwhelming.
I’m not feeling my best. I’m upset about many things, though I can’t even name all of them. I just know that I’m unhappy. I feel like I never stop—always going, always pushing. I desperately need rest. I truly hope that spending time with Shervy will bring peace and restoration.
Overwhelmed—that’s the word.
Father, is there a reason You want me to work so much right now? I know there must be. Is there a reason Irock came into my life? Is there meaning in all of this? I know there is.
I know You gave me my vocal coaches because they are wise and seasoned—older even than my parents—and seeing them thriving brings me comfort and joy. And my parents… they forced me to learn how to do things on my own. No connections, no money—only love. You gave me my brother and sister to teach me that not everyone will love you the way you hope. Some people smile in your face and speak differently behind your back. Having them in my life taught me to love, but also to be cautious. That is now how I move through the world—loving, yet discerning.
There are people I confide in, like Debra, though she rarely calls. We don’t really spend time together, and that makes me sad.
Lucy seems genuine, though sometimes it feels like she needs to assert her wealth. It doesn’t offend me, but I wish she didn’t feel the need to do that. Still, she’s a good person—maybe You’re teaching me how not to sound when I reach my own success.
Joshua—my autistic friend who was never treated—is funny and unfiltered. He’s extremely negative and often judgmental toward me, and I sometimes wonder why I stay friends with him. But I genuinely like him as a person. I love honesty and rawness—just not when it’s too much or poorly timed.
I don’t have many friends anymore. Erica and Scott are no longer in my life. I miss Erica for who she used to be—open, playful, fun—but once she realized I didn’t want to be with her romantically, she closed herself off. And Scott’s behavior made me deeply uncomfortable. I had to choose my peace.
So now, I really only have a couple of people in my life—and even they might consider me more of an acquaintance than a friend.
Yesterday, I spent time with a younger guy who reminded me of myself—ambitious, dreaming big—but as the day went on, he became draining. I realized how important it is for me to protect my energy.
Later, I met with my dancers on Zoom. I’m holding onto the hope that we’ll tour together, that my dreams will unfold. I pray for success—not just fame, but fulfillment. I want to go on tour, document my journey, be surrounded by love, excellence, and joy. I want stability, abundance, and the best people around me—because I plan to be my best, too.
Most of all, I want to be the best Christian I can be.
Thank You for my flight attendant job. I know this is just training, but I pray I do well. I pray I stay focused, responsible, and calm. Missing my flight today was necessary—I needed rest. For the first time in a while, I slept a full eight hours. Thank You for that.
Thank You for Miami. Being there for nearly two months makes me so happy. I know going to L.A. first is the right decision. Shervy needs me, and I want to show him love—to cook for him, watch movies, walk hand in hand, and simply be present.
Please bless all my travels. I’m doing so much—training, traveling, working on my career, attending seminars. Help me move through everything with ease and grace.
Help me be still enough to hear Your voice. Help me respond with peace when others are rude or unkind. Remind me that their behavior is rooted in their own pain—not mine.
Things have to get better. I believe they will. I want to fully take care of myself, to care for those I love, and to live a life that is pleasing to You.
Please be close to me these next two months. I need You deeply. Walk with me through every step.
I love You with all my heart and soul.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
Loading comments...