Sunday morning. Taking it somewhat easy this morning and have been feeling an entry bubbling up for a couple of days now. It’s more than an entry, though. It may become a series of entries.
I have been feeling all kinds of unease over the last couple of weeks. Like, I’m not in the right place right now - in all the ways.
I’m struggling with my stupid insurance and just trying to stay alive. As a cancer survivor, there are so many things you have to keep on top of, and this markeplace insurance was built to keep people AWAY from getting proper care! WTF. Honestly, I can understand why someone would want to kill the CEO of United Health Care. I’m not justifying the murder, but I can understand the motive.
Though I have worked hard to make friends here in the place where I live, it’s fucking hard. It’s a huge effort to see anyone. I did get to see LC yesterday (my lesbian crush and one of the best friends I have in this town), but even that was an act of congress to make happen.
I make an effort to go on dates. They are fine dates. The men ask to see me again. And then they just disappear, never to be heard from again. What’s that all about? I feel like maybe I’m just in the wrong headspace too. I’m not really very excited about these men. And I feel like they can sense it.
Actually, I take that back. Over the past several dates, there were two men I got very excited about seeing again…and I made sure that I gave them that vibe! They both acted excited about me. And then nothing.
So. Something is wrong here. And I feel like I’m in the wrong place right now.
Yesterday, I got a super strong feeling from somewhere that I can only describe as the universe talking to me. It’s pushing me. It’s telling me that it’s time to move on to something bigger, better, and much more fitting for me.
I am by no means slowing down as I approach the end of my 50s. I feel like I have many, many more lifetimes to live. I don’t know why, but I just feel it in my bones, even though I’ve had major setbacks. I feel like I’m literally in midlife here.
And that’s why I took a few moments to write down a timeline of my lifetime as it is so far. I wrote it in terms of “Eras” since that’s something that everyone recognizes through our good friend Taylor Swift.
Yet, I also googled “Lifetimes vs. Eras” and if you go by definition, these are actually lifetimes. When I think back on my past they feel like “lifetimes ago” if that makes any sense. I was telling LC yesterday on our walk that I’m like a cat and I have nine lives, and she said, “Oh, you have many more than nine lives!”
And indeed I do!
So this morning, I wrote down the lifetimes/eras I’ve had so far. I may take some time to write down and explain each of these lifetimes, but I wanted to put a timeline together for my own reference.
Here they are:
1967-1972: The Baby Era, aka. The Small Family Lifetime
1972-1979: The Big Move Era, aka. The Minnesota Lifetime
1979-1986: The Formative Years Era, aka. The Awkward, Humiliating Lifetime
1986-1991: The College Years Era, aka. The Finding My Footing Lifetime
1991-1993: The Starting to Work Era, aka. The Post-College Scramble Lifetime
1993-1994: The Europe Era, aka. The Season I Became Worldly Lifetime
1994-1999: The Just Starting Out Era, aka. The One-of-the-Boys Lifetime
1999-2002: The David Era, aka. Baby’s First Abusive Relationship Lifetime
2002-2006: The Rock Star Era, aka. The Private Jet Business Trip Lifetime
2006-2008: The First Fiance Era, aka. The You-Know-Better But You Did It Anyway Lifetime
2008-2010: The In-Between Era, aka. The Time Sandwiched Between Fiances Lifetime
2010-2014: The SexyPants Era, aka. The Princess Lifetime
2014-2019: The Maturing and Traveling Era, aka. The Big Girl Pants Lifetime
2019-2023: The Near-Death Era, aka. The Carotid, COVID, and Cancer, OH MY! Lifetime
2023-2026 The Not-Quite-In-The-Right-Place Era, aka. The Temporary Lifetime
Just look at all those lifetimes!
And the amazing thing is, I have so many more to go! I don’t feel old in the least (except when I’m fighting with insurance), and I’m honestly excited about the future because when I look at my past, it’s so varied and honestly pretty cool. Sure, were there super sucky eras? Absolutely. But wow! I have a life well-lived so far and I’m ready for the next lifetime.
And the thing is, I do know and understand that life is finite. There is an end to this, and I’m not going to live forever, so I need to do the things that need to be done ASAP!
But I also know that staying stuck in the Not-Quite-The-Right-Place Era is not the place to be. The timeline is to remind me that it’s time to move out of this place.
I’m glad you’re here to go with me.
xox,
GS
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