My anxiety is pretty awful tonight. I feel like I should be doing a million things as time is so limited and I’m so busy the next few months. Yet, I’m just sitting here. Lost in my thoughts.
I made the choice to say good-bye to our last embryo in October. As much as I desperately wanted to give that sweet boy a chance I just didn’t feel it was best for him. I didn’t feel right purposely bringing him into a world that’s not that great. Especially as a single mom. I went into IVF planning to start a family and raise children with Maxwell forever. Never did I think or plan to raise a baby alone.
I decided it was selfish to transfer that last embryo just to satisfy my own craving for another child. I said I was done with that chapter in my life. I didn’t want more children. I don’t need a baby to be complete. I was ready to embrace my single life and live life full of adventures and travel.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt at all. Oh, it hurt. It still hurts. I had plans for that tiny embryo. I spent months and months dreaming of an entire life with him and how amazing it would be. I fell in love with a soul that never got to be. It wasn’t a choice I took lightly. I fought so hard for that embryo, just to give up? It’s been rough.
The what-ifs haunt me when I least expect it. What if we had never tested our embryos and just transferred them? If I had it to do over again this is exactly what I’d of done. What if I would have been able to have my transfer last year instead of my emergency gallbladder surgery hours before transfer? Would I be holding my son in my arms right now? What would he be like? Would he have Maxwell’s eyes and lips? He’d be perfect. I have no doubt.
He was an “imperfect” embryo though. I was told to discard him. To never risk transfer. I refused to listen. I swore his imperfection and the extra cells they saw was an error. I swore he was perfect or better yet - I maintained my theory they tested cells while in the phase of splitting. At the point that identical twins were preparing to develop. Some would argue that’s not possible. Max would maintain transferring him wasn’t worth the risk to my health. I never wavered tho. I’ve always believed that boy would have been perfect. Quite likely twins. So loved.
In the end, I donated my embryo to science. Hoping that he would give other families chances to see those embryos are actually perfect. I didn’t donate him because I didn’t want him. But because I loved him too much to bring him into a world that I didn’t feel was good enough for him. Because I felt that I alone wouldn’t be good enough for him. A decision that will haunt me forever. An endless supply of what-ifs.
Why am I thinking of this now? I was right. My theories were right. I maintain my boy was perfect. I follow a Facebook group filled with abnormal embryos. Many of us have realized these abnormal embryo CAN create a healthy baby. So, they’re transferring these embryos. Yes, a lot result in failed transfers or miscarriages. Yet, some self correct and result in perfectly healthy live births. Hence why I would never test again. One woman had a female polyploid embryo… She has now given birth to identical twin girls. It split. Just as I thought was possible. The biggest news… Don’t transfer the male polyploid embryos as they can result in a molar pregnancy… do we listen? No. I’d of been the first to transfer if it wasn’t for that damn gallbladder. Now though, a woman transferred her XXY polyploid. She’s now 6 weeks pregnant with TWINS! Both babies have heartbeats. Thus, it won’t be a molar pregnancy. It split. Again, as I was convinced would happen.
I smile because I’m so happy for her. So happy she gave that embryo a chance. So happy to have the proof of what I was convinced would happen. Yet, I can’t help but feel sad. I just wish I could have gave mine a chance. I wish I hadn’t already signed the consent to donate. Why do I torture myself with this group? Well, because I want to see the proof of what I always believed. Just because I didn’t get my happily ever after doesn’t mean I lost interest in this topic.
As I prep the room for Baby E I feel even more regrets. I said I was done. Yet, here I am getting ready for a new baby. If I hadn’t of donated him I’d of transferred him now. If I’m welcoming one baby, I might as well welcome two. I’ll have all the baby stuff again. I could use it for my son too. I have to remind myself that purposely bringing him into the world wasn’t fair to him. That just because I could doesn’t mean I should.
Baby E is different. I’m simply giving her a better life than she’d of had without me. I’m not playing God or choosing to create her for my own selfish needs. She’s already created. I’m just stepping up when her biological parents can’t. In this case, I am giving her the best. If I’d of transferred my embryo I’d of always known I caused him to have a life that just simply wasn’t perfect. I’m just not okay with that.
I made the best choice for him. I know I did. I’m also making the best choices for E. Even if it hurts. Even if these have been some of the hardest choices for me. At least, I know I have done and am doing the best I can for the babies and possible babies that don’t have a voice of their own. It just sucks that my own heart hurts so much in the process. It sucks that I’ll forever regret and miss what could have been my son. It sucks that I’ll fall in love with Baby E just to have to give her baby with her mama is able to care for her.
It’ll all be okay, I know this, but it doesn’t mean it all won’t hurt.
It’s amazing you can love and miss someone so much that you never got to meet and who will never be. It’s the idea of them though. The dream of what could have been.
It’s also amazing that I can open my heart to yet another child knowing full well it’s going to break me. I’ll survive though and at least I’ll know she had a great start to her little life.
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