Since I have nothing better to do recently I do want to update my “blog” more frequently. After my father died in 2021, I appreciated what little he had written about his thoughts and life. I even still wish that there was more to read, even if it was the worst of his thoughts.
Since it’s a new year, I guess I can update myself with some things about where I am now and how life is looking. Who knows, maybe in 2027 I will remember this post and look back on it with fondness.
How would you like your life to change this year?
Well, I already made the big jump of moving back to America. I lived in Japan for around 2 years, while that was fun I can understand why people call Japan one of the loneliest countries. Even in the beginning when I was frequenting a bar to make friends, there were never truly any friends to be made. The hardest part about leaving Japan emotionally was leaving my job and the kids from it behind. Despite the job itself sucking ass, you learn to love the kids you work with. I worked with around 160 kids in total and I always reminded myself I had 160 reasons to love Japan when my work life was getting really tough for me.
What is the best thing that happened in the last year?
I don’t want my life to always be man centered but Isa is the best thing that has happened in the last year. Before I met him, I was stuck in a relationship that I’d been miserable in since the beginning. I was trying to convince myself that K was my forever but it was a really hard pill to swallow. I think the biggest thing I learned from that relationship is that some people are meant to be friends, just friends. No matter how much you feel you connect or relate. sometimes all that’s meant to be is a friendship.
I wish I realized that sooner with K, like, maybe 2022/2023 sooner. It would have saved me years of dread and yearning for more. I guess in hindsight, the relationship did teach me how to depend on myself physically and emotionally more… well.. more like for everything.
I guess to sum that relationship up, tldr; he’s a better platonic friend than a lover.
With Isa, I find myself thinking “Man, he is the boyfriend I imagined all my life.” I know that things are never perfect, and there will be ups and downs within our relationship that will maybe make me second guess that statement, but for now, let me live in blissful ignorance.
**What gift would you like to give yourself this year? **
I want to give myself the gift of selflove. Ever since I was a kid I hated myself. I hated going clothes shopping because I would have to look in the mirror, even now it makes me uncomfortable to go clothes shopping with other people because I don’t want their eyes on me or their opinions of me.
Growing up in a really, really small town the beauty standard was the typical: skinny, blonde, country girl. I was, surprisingly (hahahaha) the very opposite of that. I was an awkward, chubby kid trying to figure out who they were. I cut all my hair off, I’d dye it different colors, I’d grow it out and down my back. I’d wear dark boyish clothes, talk about video games and anime. I was a “weird kid,” back in the day despite the style being more normalized now.
But, as I got older I never really learned to love myself. Instead, I learned to judge myself and try to conform to general beauty standards and what it meant to be a “girl.” In 2025, I told myself I just wanted to be myself. I didn’t want to fit Japan beauty standards and be seen as cute and beautiful by the masses. I just wanted to be me.
Even with that in mind, I never really built love for myself. I just became comfortable with calling myself naturally ugly, telling myself that I was born hideous and that was my cross to bear.
In 2026, I will strive to be kinder to myself and learn to love parts of myself. Even if it feels impossible, this will be my gift to myself.
**What would you like your triumph to be by the end of this year? **
Putting my art into the universe and building a small following or community. I think it would be great if I could stay home and just draw all day and get paid, but, I know my art is nowhere near that level. Maybe I’m over critical of myself, but, I want to be proud of what I sell and the commissions I do.
For now, I want my triumph to be that I’ve built my art skills enough to be confident in taking small commissions, maybe just for in-game currency or items to start. I just want to focus more on my art.
Yeah, now that I think about it I don’t have much to talk about or think about. Here’s to hoping 2026 is more fulfilling than 2025.
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