Who and what we are?
I had the thought in a dream last night, about my name. It should have been Monica I thought. I recalled my parents and their shallowness- their refusal to acknowledged anything as important or life-changing as choosing my name. As I stared as a child, at the ultrasound pictures that they claimed was mine, in the corner said Monica. “We were going to name you Monica and then changed our minds.” My mom said offhandedly. Why? “We just liked the other name better. Good thing too, because that Monica Lewinski fiasco would have made it even worse!”
Incompressible. Even as a child, this line of reasoning was completely incomprehensible.
Last night, just after this memory, I thought, if Monica was my name then Lewinsky would be someone else. Some other name. Or some other person entirely.
It strikes me as egomaniacal to say such a statement; that the naming of a child would change the course and direction of the world or even someone else’s life. But it also strikes me as completely true. And right now, that the ego is not the one that chooses the name or has access to such knowledge of how the world works. It seems egomaniacal only to the ego.
Perhaps that’s why I awoke thinking about names- my spiritual name- my first middle last name.
And it occurs to me that it’s only because I chose it that I have a spiritual name-a spiritual life. Because it would be equally as real and concrete if I had chosen not to have a spiritual name, or a spiritual life. It is like the though that it’s a good thing we didn’t name you Monica- my essence would have created and made known it’s meaning, regardless. If I had been named Monica, the scandal wouldn’t have happened, wouldn’t have mattered, or it’d be a different name. Now since my name if different, the scandal is different.
The cause is the essence. The meaning is made out from our essence.
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