Dear God,
My headache returned. I’m thinking a lot. So as a form of escape, I smoked. It all started when I woke up too early. I reached for my phone and instantly thought of returns to make. Which reminds me I still have to return my green gone detox….that stuff did nothing for me.
i got some coffee. And my gosh it’s freezing. I am finallly blow drying my hair. I’m about to erase all my Snapchat…I erased them all just now.
Hours have passed and I’m still blow drying my hair on and off while moving around a lot. My thoughts we soooo heavy. I thought about me potentially doing things that I know is a sin. Like returning stuff even if nothing is wrong. I was thinking of saving money by doing this. But when am I going to realize that money is not real…You are our source. Everything comes from You. I think there are a lot of people like me who probably have a misstated seed of faith yet still sin, knowing all the things You have saved us from.
When I think of my past, I think why didn’t I just go back home?? I would have worked on my music more intensely. I probably would have been where I wanted to be by now. But no, I wanted to be reckless and uncaring of the commandments You want us to abide by. I call this as not having my frontal lobe formed, but in reality, I spoke to You but didn’t care if I sinned.
The choices I made were very poor. One bad decision after another. But ironically, it brought me closer to the industry. Going to different celebrity homes..or mansions even…not small homes In Hollywood Hills but palaces in Bellaire. The palace was either a wolf in sheep’s clothing or maybe an actual good person, the others were straight wolves…or maybe it was just their “party house” and they didn’t actually live there. I’ll attend parties and leave but I won’t invest in a party house…well, of course for family…a home with a lake and a white picket fence and bench swings and butterflies …we’d enjoy fireplaces during the winter & springtime getaways. And to be honest, I need to erase all ill feelings of my siblings. Truth be told, I cannot enjoy my life without enjoy. I would feel like something is missing in my life. I am changing all those feelings in my heart.
The thing is, I cut off people from my life almost immediately when things don’t feel right. I’m a very forgiving person so I let things go on multiple times but then, once it hits me that is an actual pattern, I then value myself more and don’t accept further disrespect. My siblings may have disrespected me in the past but nothing to a point that is bad..like sibling level type stuff. I don’t think they would actually hurt me with intention. But honestly, never say never. Humans will always surprise you; we are all human…it’s our choices that define us.
My headache returned but now it’s gone as I’m talking to You. I feel more at peace. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things…so I escaped by smoking…is that bad. I ate soup, crackers and chicken salad. All healthy choices I hope. I am going to take my vitamins too. Then head out to the court.
i have to be at court to change the date of my trial for traffic tickets. Then I have to do a small claims…my first small claims ever. However, I do feel I have a case. I might have to write Groupon to support me on this case. We shall see.
Anyways, those two things I have to do. Then go to my parents to pick up food and mail. But before I leave, we will probably enjoy a movie as a family.
I have a lot to do today and I feel exhausted already. My headache returned when I began to think again. I thought about my last text to Eddie. I’m not sure what to do next.
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