a MOMENT right now.
I dreamed about Capricorn. Yes… An astrological sign. An Earth sign. The sign of grounded doing. The goat climbs up the earth mountain.
There is further mystery here, for me. My Neptune is in Capricorn. Dreamy, mysterious Neptune.
I am still reeling from yesterday’s realization. Something really stuck in my mind like one of those splinters you just can’t get out. A coach had accused me of not being willing to feel my feelings or express emotions and that perhaps I was intellectualizing. I assured her that I did feel, deeply, and yes, I have some trouble expressing them and that was why I was there. I suggested that I may even express them differently, since I have a lot of air. Truthfully, I felt slightly annoyed that everyone expects me to bawl my eyes out. And we were speaking of something revelatory in my life - my strong urge and follow-through to genuinely apologize to my mother.
She said something like, “well I’m a Gemini”. As if that was some kind of reason one could be expressive of emotions and in an air sign. Yeah, well.
My Chiron is in Gemini. That’s my wound.
I didn’t say that, or even consciously think of it just then. But that was the splinter in my brain. And as the days passed, it didn’t go away. Even after writing about it. I felt urged to look at my chart once again and investigate exactly what it means. Because truthfully, I didn’t understand Gemini at all. Nor Chiron for that matter. Or the 8th House 🏠
I read what Chiron was like in the 8th House, first. I felt familiarity. Of course I was pained in the most profound way around my inner being. I finally found a label for it; shame. But even that doesn’t really describe the inner suffering of believing that my innermost self is evil.
What’s more… I realize now that I never understood that there was any way out. That this pain was a wound, merely, and could truly be healed. I was prone to morbid curiosity. I would delve into the pain. The misunderstanding, the humiliation. I would live there. It became me; my inner being of turbid churning agony.
And that is still there. Hahaha, it seems sort of funny to say that but it really is true. It’s like my child self; the younger core of me which conceived the adult me.
And, it wasn’t untilI noticed that my Chiron is opposite to my Uranus, that I could fully comprehend what I was being told.
You did it. The proof is not whether Im effective at expressing myself verbally in the moment, for that is merely a skill that I will be able to grow into. The proof is not found in external validation. The proof is found exactly where the wound was; in my innermost being.
The proof is actually what I had originally brought up as the most significant occurrence for me; that I genuinely and without expectations forgave my mom. Even the fact that she reacted badly didn’t bother me- because I had no expectations for how she should receive my apology. This was the most profound act of healing that I had ever accomplished. However, instead of listening to this, my coach jumped to something that mystified me- that I’m not sad, or perhaps, that I’m not angry. At least, that I’m not expressing those things.
This still gives me the impression that I might be an alien. I feel like these things come out of left field. Like, why would I feel sad, though?. “M, it’s your mom”. She said, almost crying herself. I thought about it. I mean, I guess I am sad that I’ll never know her as a person or have her in my life… But that’s just incidental. I don’t know. It’s so odd. “I need to act more human” is the impression that I received from her. I feel annoyed.
I suppose I get the part of the coach’s responsibility to make sure that I’m not bypassing, or whatever. That I’m not leaving for air-fairy land. That I’m actually in my body and feeling. Except I am. Or, I believe I am. I don’t know how it is for most people. My sense of being an alien inclines me to believe it’s different. It’s like sinking into my body truly, I sink far below the waves breaking on the surface as “emotions” and sink into deep feeling. There is nothing of the turbulence down there. There are strong, irresistible currents of feeling which carry me to faraway places and in which I experienced profound new worlds. This is the same place as well, that I previously satisfied my morbid curiosity and dwelt in my own depth of pain. It’s a real place… The same place in which I realized that the pain originated from my Self. That the pain could not possibly be caused by my mother, or father, or anyone or anything at all outside of my Self. And it was this internal direct experience, I believe, which indicated to my self that it was okay and in alignment to forgive. To apologize.
And it then occurred to me that it was only after this very brief, seemingly small act that I was inevitably led to go to Sedona and do the work that led to all my memories of childhood being accessible to me again.
And then, as it were, it occurs to me now, that my North Node returned just as I wished those very memories away 17 years ago. I’m in my North Node return now, just as those same memories come back to me.
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