Dear God,
I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who had gone shopping in Paris, doing a haul for Hermès, Chanel, Miu Miu, and all these expensive brands. It made me wonder how much content creators actually make. It’s not that I’m not brave enough to do something like that—I just don’t have the money for it. And secretly, I prefer to be in the moment instead of looking through the lens of a camera all the time.
And I also feel that, to truly be believable as a character in film or television, you can’t be too revealing. Otherwise, people see you playing a character instead of becoming one. It’s hard to explain, but it matters to me.
I just downloaded the videos from Juarez. I hope they turn out well. I felt a little anxious having to rush, grab my computer, and download everything before the links expired. I was also anxious about writing to Juarez. We’ve clashed before—I said some things I regret—but we’re in a better place now. Still, he does things that feel unprofessional.
For example, he got upset with me for asking him to take a picture of me on set. Yet he’s fine doing that for other people who aren’t paying him. I’m the one paying him, but he offers services to others on my set for free and charges me.
He also gave someone from my last shoot a bunch of images from my shoot without asking me if that was okay. That person ended up using the photos for their album cover—on my dime. I don’t understand why it’s okay for others to ask him for things for free, but when I ask—while paying—it’s a problem.
I didn’t bring it up. I just let it go. Tomorrow, I may ask him for a separate folder with all the photos and videos he took. Sometimes I really can’t stand him, but at the same time, he is helping me. I just need a videographer I can trust.
Sometimes I wonder if he could betray me later by selling my imagery. I hope he’s not a bad guy. I pray for discernment and protection over my work.
After all, even 50 Cent once bought footage from one of Diddy’s videographers and used it against him for a Netflix show—what an ultimate betrayal. I don’t defend Diddy but that move was ill.
For now, I’m going to watch The Substance. I still haven’t started it. I don’t know exactly how I feel—just a bit anxious. I don’t want to smoke. I’m not really hungry, though a part of me wants a bite of my burger. I’m choosing to abstain.
Instead, I’ll put on a clay mask and watch TV until I fall asleep. I’ll get my sleeping pill ready to take within the hour. I pray that I sleep well tonight.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
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