Where is the guidebook? Where is the set of rules that covers these situations? How do I learn to deal with Ian, to understand the person I become whenever Ian enters into my life?
I have no idea what to do, how to feel.
The dream [Release], what was that? Sweet benediction or nightmare curse? A premonition, a hope, a fear?
A single night, a single remeeting, and I am set back years, I fall back into old untenable pathways of thought.
Passing days and this is the closest to an entry I have come. I have been trying to sort out a night of conversation with my husband/nothusband, twelve hours plus of words layered on memories covered in hope and fear obscured by emotions unsketchable eventually twisted by something so mundane as lack of sleep.
I need to understand. I need to sort it out, find categories into which I can capture these emotions, bring them into a quantifiable, reasonable, manageable state, something I can handle, something that doesn’t send me reeling from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. Perhaps I can get to a point of where I either understand or simply no longer care.
I dont think I can do it.
Give me another month or two, perhaps a year, intensive therapy, drugs…
something
It is so easy to slip right back into old, self-destructive patterns of thought & behavior when causative or attached environments & people appear. Been there & noted such myself. Awareness helps, but no solution alone.
Thank you for your note on my diary. I’m looking forward to reading yours so that I can know you better. It helped me enormously to know someone else has been fighting these battles too. Blessings,
Understanding is very important because it lets us avoid mistakes in the future. Thanks for the information about ages…
Well I’m not a qualified therapist, and I won’t offer you any drugs, but I’ll always listen to your words and be here for you my sweet friend…a new year’s hug for you…love,
It probably will never all fall into place. You can eventually understand your part in it but never his. You won’t know his intent, his feelings, his reactions. But, ambiguity is liveable. Hugs.