Dear God,
Right now I’m lying in bed, and it feels so good to be off from work. It’s only Tuesday, and I’ve already gotten so much done. I finished two songs, and I believe I’m going to write another one as well. This next song is about someone who finds pleasure in being a masochist. The hook repeats the words: play me like a symphony…
I just looked over my to-do list, and everything feels manageable. Getting an inspection tag for my car really needs to be at the top, but I doubt I’ll be able to handle that so quickly. I’ll have to ask my dad what to do.
My dad was diagnosed with a tumor, but he seems fine. His mentality is, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. He took the diagnosis and simply went on with his life. My mom doesn’t seem too concerned either, and neither do my brother or sister. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who worries and prays for his health constantly. I pray that my dad will be okay and that the tumor disappears completely.
He called me not too long ago to check on me. I had just finished eating the soup he made me and told him how delicious it was. He said, “I’ll make it anytime for you, Babygirl—just say the word!”
My dad is truly the best man in my life. I love both my mom and dad so much. I call them so often that I know it annoys them—but I don’t care. I just love them deeply.
My brother and sister don’t like my mom at all. The resentment they hold toward her is intense. I admit she was abusive at times, and Dad allowed it—but I’ve chosen to move past it. These days, I want to focus on the positive.
Speaking of positive—Scott is no longer around. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but he’s not allowed in my apartment anymore. He stresses me out. He’s always asking to use my electrical outlets or eating food in my apartment. And earlier, he saw a mouse in my place. That alone sent me into a spiral. Just knowing there might be a mouse somewhere here makes me so upset. I haven’t seen or heard it yet, though.
I really need a new place to live. I wish I could live in better circumstances. The only thing holding me back is money. I can’t afford a moving truck, movers, new furniture (especially since my old furniture is moldy and possibly contaminated), a new mattress—everything adds up so quickly.
Right now, I feel calm, but slightly uneasy. I don’t want to smoke, even though I smoked recently. I don’t feel the urge to buy it again. I did treat myself today—I had my lips scraped. An Asian woman literally removed all the darkness from my lips so they could be pink again. It cost $60. Not bad for fresh, brand-new lips.
Now I’m lying in bed, naked. I love sleeping naked. I don’t know how people sleep any other way. Clothes make me feel restricted. When I sleep at Shervy’s place, I plan to sleep naked there too—only because I trust that he won’t try to take advantage of me.
He actually seems like he doesn’t want me around, which is strange. I don’t think he’s cheating or anything, but it still feels odd. I plan to stay busy every day while I’m there so he doesn’t have the chance to annoy me. Honestly, people annoy me in general. I try to be patient, but their stupidity always finds a way to show itself.
Irock just called. I stopped typing to listen to him talk for over 45 minutes. I barely spoke—I mostly listened. He name-dropped endlessly: Adam Sandler, Quincy Jones, Chris Brown, Michael Jackson, Chris Rock—the list went on and on. He knows everyone. I can tell he’s trying to feel me out—my age, my confidence, who I know. He likes me, but he’s dangling the carrot.
One thing I’ve learned about men is to care less. Men are hunters; they love the chase. He expected me to call him—but instead, he called me.
Jay Roewe—I may have played that all wrong. The last time we spoke, I asked if I should invest in my own film. $7,500 was the amount I’d need to pay to become a producer on a film I starred in.
I wonder how You work, God. Maybe You didn’t want the film released yet. Maybe it’s meant for later. Maybe it wasn’t meant for me at all. All I know is that I worked on a film for a week and have nothing to show for it. It’s wild. I was the star, but the director decided she didn’t have enough of a storyline and now wants to chop the footage into random music video clips. It makes no sense to me. But I trust that You will work everything out, Father.
I might visit Miss Smith tomorrow morning. She’s 92 now—the woman I used to care for. I was always terrified she’d pass in her sleep while I was there. That job was incredibly stressful. I made $250 a weekend, but it was a hard-earned $250. I’m grateful I don’t have that job anymore.
Now I just have my school job and Anabel twice a week. I’m supposed to babysit Annie tomorrow, so I need to get her a gift. Definitely a Christmas card for the family, and maybe a book for Annie. She loves light-up books—I’ll try to find one.
Tomorrow’s plan: figure out my finances, write Christmas cards, and buy Annie’s gift. I might release—ugh. Scott just emailed me. Ever since I blocked him, he’s been emailing instead. I hope he moves on. He thinks I want nothing to do with him anymore. Maybe we’ll speak again someday, but not this year. He needs to learn not to show up at my place unannounced. He’s obsessive, and honestly, it grosses me out.
Erica is back in my life—but only on her terms. I think it’s time to activate my new phone and create a new life with it. That’s another thing I need to work on.
So tomorrow: inspection tag, finances, Anabel’s gift, Christmas cards, activate phone, follow up on inspection tag—and I might as well wrap gifts too.
Father, I pray that I sleep well tonight. I pray that I relax and truly enjoy the rest of my evening. Sometimes I feel undeserving of the things I wish for, but then I remember that You want us to live richly and joyfully here on Earth. I pray that I can always be of service to others, that I remain kind and caring. I am so grateful for everything You’ve done in my life.
Please help me keep You at the forefront of all that I do. Surround me with a hedge of protection. Provide me with a protector—give me the best security, almost free. Let expenses never be an obstacle. Bless my path with the right people and remove all harmful ones. Guide my footsteps, Oh Lord.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
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