11:11:11
“And it was so on the morrow, that Sha’ul put the people in three companies; and they came into the midst of the host in the morning watch and slew the Ammoniym until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together.”
11:3:11 (because I fist opened the book to this spot and it was the first thing my eye fell on)
“And Yahuah said to El-Shemu’el: Behold, I will do a thing in Yashar’el, at which both the ears of everyone that hears it shall tingle.”
Well everyone read my entry from yesterday, right? RIGHT? lol
I opened up my computer today and the very fist thing in my feed was this video. Yes, this is the man that I saw in the mirror. Darryl Anka. YESTERDAY. I saw him YESTERDAY. And I performed in essence this entire mirror technique described YESTERDAY. I wrote about it last night. Before having watched or been aware of this video whatsoever.
The word, or name Victor has crossed my path a couple of times this morning.
I feel anxiety. I have a story that the anxiety is about many things; our cat got out and has been at the top of a 60’ tree all night in freezing high winds; the mortgage people may choose to foreclose; we might be without proper essentials like access to water, shelter, food, freedom; they could make up any asinine number they want on our water bill and we basically have to pay it or not have water; uh, yeah. Maybe that’s it. lol
I notice this anxiety is what keeps the thought-mind really LOUD. Even when I sit, I experience a long, loooong lag between sitting and the spacious peace of having no thoughts. I find that it takes a loooong while to get there, and then when I do I again FEEL ANXIOUS that it’s going end. bahaha
Yet there is this weird thing that happens. I laugh. I really do. I feel mirth about it. I don’t judge it. It just is. I feel anxiety. And the stories try to push up like vomit to keep that anxiety cycle going. It does. But I just don’t judge it. I don’t add more stories. I don’t tell myself that I’m hopelessly lost in my worries and need to deal with all this before I can find myself safe. I don’t let any kind of story get in the way of knowing that I am held and secure. I know it. And then, inexplicably, I feel a real surge of energy. The kind of energy that I am becoming very attuned to. The surge is real- it creates in me a power of motion and I instantaneously do something. I never know what it is before I do it. Like hop over to the mirror and gaze for 40 minutes. Like wake up and meditate on this anxiety. Like open my computer and notice the first thing I see- Notice that my attention actually guides me, and not the other way around.
I recognize this anxiety feeling entirely as a test of sorts. Very strongly reminiscent of the test that I also recognized on my trip. There were many tests- ones that I haven’t written about here, like flying out and having no ride, but just relying on the fact that I was meant to go to fill in the gaps on how to get there. Similarly, when I lost my phone while I was alone, an out of state traveler, with no vehicle, no computer or any other means for communication, I simply relied on the fact which I already knew to be true.
I did worry, a bit. I thought briefly about what might happen if I had no ride from the airport. Would I become stranded at the airport? I worried too about what would happen if I didn’t find my phone. Would I be stranded? Miss my return ride? Miss my flight(s)? Become stranded in Sedona?
And those worries seemed not to land very hard. They ran through my mind but didn’t stay there. Because it didn’t hook into any belief system that those worries really mattered. For me, they no loner mattered. And therefore, a new matter- or material reality- became available to act on. It was easier to act like this new material reality was already what was matter, for me. And then, my behavior cemented that reality into physical matter.
I am experiencing this anxiety in the same way. I recognize the test; the challenge. What in my belief system insists that this matters? Especially that it might matter more than the fact that I know? Perhaps it is merely a matter of having enough energy to believe a new dream.
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