Haven’t felt like I’ve had much to say the last couple days. My mind remains all over the place and can’t seem to settle on anything peaceful. Just constant worries and fears. I’m starting to wonder if it’s real or if this could be a side effect of downing my meds. I hadn’t thought of that until today. Hopefully so and I’ll just need to power through so it gets better.
With the constant anxiety I feel like I need to stay busy. So, I cleaned out my upstairs spare room and made the closet beautiful. Unpacked all of the baby’s clothes. Rearranged things. It’s literally ready and we’ve got 9 weeks to go. That gave me a little reprieve from the anxiety. At least that’s done.
I threw away so much stuff. The huge dumpster outside is full and waiting for garbage day which is thankfully tomorrow. It was a hard experience throwing all that out. I threw away all of our IVF stuff. I’m never doing that process again. My infertility journey is over. I’ve accepted that. Yet, it was hard to carry all of that outside. I spent so much money and so many hours researching just to get my heart shattered. It was a hard goodbye. That room is perfect now though.
Next up I think I’ll do the two hall closets and throw away everything I don’t use. It shouldn’t be too bad but I have a feeling I’ll fill up the garbage can outside still. Decluttering and throwing stuff away is my coping mechanism when I start to feel like this.
I was supposed to go see Nick this weekend but I’m leaning towards staying home. He wanted me there by 11 Friday. It’s currently snowing and we’re projected to get 4” - 11” inches with some freezing rain underneath. It’s a huge gap and who knows what we’ll really get. Traveling 3 hours one way probably isn’t the best idea if I have no purpose and he’s going to work all day Saturday. We would only have time for dinners really and with going to Vegas we should both probably save that money. So, yeah. I’m leaning towards not going and if I do go maybe just Saturday. I wanted to see Alex so I’m slightly frustrated with the weather but I can see Alex a different time. We leave for Vegas in 2 weeks so it’ll be a long 2 weeks without seeing him but not the end of the world.
I’ve been asked a few times now what Nick thinks of my baby project. He doesn’t think much I guess. I told him I agreed to it and he mentioned he thought I didn’t want more kids. I don’t. Not of my own. This is temporary. He then said - whatever makes me happy. I explained we’d still have time together as my friend can keep baby too so not much has changed. Except when he’s busy with volleyball I’ll be busy with a newborn.
It really didn’t cross my mind to ask him first. We’ve been dating for 6 months but I haven’t met his parents or kids or anything yet. We’ve had no talk of merging lives. We see each other exclusively but live very separate lives. Thus, I don’t feel he really gets input into my choices at this point. Not if they don’t directly affect him and not if he hasn’t fully immersed me into his life. Now if I want to take baby with to his house I’ll absolutely be discussing it with him but at this point I don’t feel the need. Hell, technically I’m going to need to take the baby to visit her mom some so if he’s good with a baby in tow we may be able to see each other for even just quick lunches or something more often.
It’ll be fine. I just maintain that whatever is meant to be will be. I deserve someone that can handle my chaos and overflowing heart that helps everyone and takes in random humans. If he can’t handle that - it would definitely hurt some at this point - but I’d be okay because I know I deserve someone that loves me for me. And this is simply who I am and what I do and apparently I can’t change that even if I try. In the end I’ll still gravitate towards helping those in need and taking in those I can.
On the Nick topic - he’s actually seemed to be calling more and stuff since Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if he realized he liked me more or what. He has just seem more engaged/active. It’s nice. I enjoy it and appreciate it. I just worry about the bottom falling out and being hurt. That’s always my worry with everything though.
I’m excited for Vegas and our 6 nights together. He made the comment we might be sick of each other after 5 days… I don’t feel that way and if we are, we aren’t meant to be together. Personally, I feel like if I genuinely like someone and they’re my person I want to spend every day with them. I’m good with that. Yeah, I might need a few minutes alone to just decompress but overall I don’t get sick of seeing someone every day. So, I’m a little skeptical to see how he views 5 days after that comment. However, I do know I’m far different than his ex-wife who is the only person in 14+ years he’s spent that much time with besides his kids. Which maybe that’s why he’s hesitant as I’m well aware they were often sick of each other.
Guess we find out in 2 weeks.
Now off to my other job. Yay.
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