AGAIN AND AGAIN in DAUGHTER

I WISH I WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY FUCKIN MARRIAGE. I DON’T KNOW WHY I STAYED ALL THESE YEARS. IT ISN’T GETTING BETTER. MY HUBBY IS STILL HANGING OUT WITH THAT WOMAN. YESTERDAY I WENT SHOPPING. HE WAS GOING TO A CONDO MEETING AND THEN DO SOMETHING WITH HIS GOLF CLUBS. HE SHOULD BE MARRIED TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYHOW I CALL HIM UP TO TELL HIM I’M HOME. HE SayS HE’S AT SUBWAY AND WILL BE HOME SOON. THEN HE COMES HOME AND I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS WITH HER. HE SAID YES!!!!! HE HAD LUNCH WITH HER WHILE I SAT HERE ALONE. I AM SUPER UPSET,. HE TALKED ME INTO GOING TO THE POOL BUT I DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE/HE THINKING???????????????????????????? I TOLD HIM IT Was a lack of respect for me. he told me that he can be friends with anyone,. i wish he would just go to her. she probably wouldn’t want him - a fat old bald guy. i wish i had the courage to leave him but i don’t. i am sO fed up with him. i am so fed up with trying to be a good wife. i have noOne to talk to. my best friend died and i have noOne. i am going for therapy on Friday. It is students so i don’t havE much faith but it will give me a place to talk.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS DOING IT. COULD IT BE THAT HE WANTS ME TO BE UPSET? TO BE JEALOUS? HE COMPARES BEING WITH HER TO ME BEING IN THE STAINED GLASS ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF MEN AND WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO DOWN IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. MY SONS ARE COMING AND I WISH THEY WEREN’T. I DON’T WANT TO PRETEND ALL IS WELL. I DON’T FEEL LIKE MAKING A HANUKAH PARTY. I JUST DPON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVEN’T SLEPT FOR HOURS. I HAVE GOME TO SLEEP TOO MANY NIGHTS VRYING OVER THE MANY YEARS. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING????????????? IT HURTS SO BAD! I DON’T KNOW IF I AM MAKING A FUSS FOR NOTHING BUT IF HE CARED ABOUT ME HE WOULDN’T SEEK HER OUT SO OFTEN. I WISH I COULD JUST IGNORE THEM BUT I CAN’T. HE SEEMS TO BE DOING IT ON PURPOSE AND ENJOYING IT. IT ISN’T HIS NATURE BUT WHO KNOWS.
I AM SO FED UP. I AM SO MISERABLE. I KNOW. I SHOULD KICK HIM OUT OR I SHOULD GO BACK HOME. I SHOULD JUST GO ON WITH MY LIFE AND IGNORE HIM. I JUST FEEL THAT IS I DON’T TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER HE WOULDN’T CARE OR EVEN REALIZE IT. ADVICE PLEASE?????????????????????