November 2025 in 2020s

11/1/25

Since it’s open enrollment, Tom took a peek at next year’s plans, and it looks like I’m going to stick with Ambetter. I’ll actually have a better plan—it will just cost more. I’m going from silver to gold. Ambetter’s been more fun than Aetna was because of all the free stuff I can get with the points I accumulate, and I’ve gotten some really nice stuff… the towels, the candle, jewelry, kitchen stuff.

Looks like Nane has retired. Her picture (along with another woman’s) is gone from her work site. I wonder if she’ll retire to Turkey or Greece like she talked about.

The dog in back that I could barely hear all summer long and into the fall is suddenly loud and clear if I’m by a window. Sounds definitely travel easier in cooler temperatures, and it’s definitely cooler. It’s only 72 degrees in the house. If it drops another degree or two, I might throw on the heat for the first time this year—or this season, I should say.

The honker should return any minute now, unfortunately. I should be checking out NewNo right as he comes honking and slamming in. A house a few houses down from him is for sale, but it shouldn’t be a problem if noisy people move in. Well, if they’re revving motorcycles, it shouldn’t wake me up, but it could be annoying and also if they have a dog they allow to bark all the time, like the redneck used to do with his dog. It isn’t that much farther away than his house—just in the opposite direction.

I kind of felt shitty all day yesterday. Had that fuzzy feeling in my head and felt kind of blah. I know part of it was the lack of sunlight due to my schedule. I’ll now be able to start catching some morning sun though.

I got a candle by Mainstays with yesterday’s Walmart order—Buttercream Cheesecake. It’s a little on the mild side but otherwise nice.

Rather than post this entry now, I’ll do it later on and make it my first entry of the month. That way I can jot down any thoughts on NewNo.

OK, I’m back a few hours later. The witching hour passed with no return of the honker, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t on the way.

Checked out Fic’s NewNo, and I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it because, unlike in 2010, I don’t have nearly as much energy as I used to. Meanwhile, I’ve had two stories going at once—a revenge-type crime story with all fictitious characters, and then one where I torture the honker with ghostly pranks, hoping it will jinx him into selling or at least being a little less noticeable. Able to win or not, I’m not sure I can come up with 50K words of torture for the honker, so I’m going with Them, the other story I started. It only has 7K words, though.

I like the built-in word counter, but I kinda don’t like that I can’t hide the story till it’s done. With the old Nano, all people saw was your synopsis, but now I have to share everything, even though they’re just rough drafts and errors could be present. Oh well, no one has to read my stuff anyway, and I’m mostly doing it for myself.

11/2/25

Guess who’s back? Yeah, I knew it would be. It was waiting for me when I got up. I checked the camera and found it came in at around 9:30. It’s still parked on the side and hitched to its trailer with its tool of annoyance tucked inside it. So some days he’ll be out and barely noticeable, and other days it’ll be loud motors, hammers, saws, and 50 guests in addition to the honking.

My fatigue has been so bad again that I gave up on the CoQ10. I realize it definitely is CF, and I definitely am screwed for life, with only a few good days scattered in. I just so happened to have a better spell for a while after starting the CoQ10, and I can see now that it had nothing to do with that. Leave it to me to be so cruelly teased, though. Just when I think I’m on to something, I find I’m not. Even though I slept a little more than eight hours, I was so exhausted and eventually napped for a little over an hour. It helped a little, but only a little.

There’s no kidding myself where NewNo is concerned. I just can’t do it. I can write a 50k book, but I can no longer do it in just a month because I have so little energy so much of the time. Things just aren’t what they were over a decade ago, so I’ve frozen Them for now. It’s going to take me months to finish the book, maybe even a year or two. It pisses me off to see assholes like the honker so full of life and energy, doing this and doing that with a seemingly unlimited supply of energy, and also what seems like a need for just five or six hours of sleep each night. It’s just so not fair! I know life isn’t fair. I’ve always known this, and I know it’s never going to change, but that doesn’t stop it from pissing me off. This guy’s a few years older than me, and he seems to have the energy of a 20-year-old. 

I really wish I could say that the only thing limiting my activities was money. In fact, I wonder if part of me would actually be pissed if we suddenly had a lot of money, because I wouldn’t really have the energy to enjoy it much. At least it doesn’t take energy to enjoy the candles that are on the way. Today I’ll get the patchouli amber candle, and tomorrow I’ll get whiskey tobacco. I’ve always loved patchouli, and I wanted to try something different, and whiskey tobacco is definitely different. I can’t wait to see what that smells like. I’ve noticed that sometimes the candles smell exactly as they’re supposed to, and other times they don’t. My buttercream cheesecake candle turned out to be pretty nice, with a pretty consistent throw, even though it takes time to notice it, but it definitely doesn’t smell like cheesecake. It smells like gingerbread.

I’ve created a candle sheet on Google Sheets so I can keep track of the brands and scents I like and don’t. Next up, I definitely want to try that three-scented trilogy candle—Café Favorites, or something like that, I think it is—with vanilla on top, caramel in the center, and biscotti on the bottom.

11/3/25

Another exhausting day and another curse on my sleep. No, not the honker—just a throat tickle and coughing. Ironically, I forgot to smudge the bedroom before going to bed, too. Woke up coughing a few times, and I’m still coughing even though I’ve been up for over an hour now.

I’ve been liking the Alexa device I’ve been using in the bedroom better because, with the other one, volume three was too soft, yet volume four was too loud. With this one, it seems just right on volume four when I play my nature sounds to sleep with. 

So I saw him unloading the trailer while watching the camera in the bedroom on the laptop. As soon as I heard the motorcycle start up, I got my nature sounds playing and jumped in bed where my head is close to the device to see if I could hear anything, and I didn’t. When the motorcycle first started, I thought it might have sounded softer. Watching the camera from a distance, I thought maybe he turned the thing back off, but when I got up and took a closer look at the camera, I could see that he had already moved it into his driveway, and I never heard it slip by.

I could also see that, yes, it’s a different motorcycle. It’s still a Harley, but this one is silver. With all the money he’s got, it’s probably the latest model. This is the third one he’s had since I’ve known him. So my guess is that it’s not going to be any more of a threat to my sleep than it has been, and fortunately, he’s far enough away that when he starts beating out some project with his hammers and saws, the sound machine should override that as well. The worst he can do is be annoying at times when I’m awake. But hey, as I’ve said before, if he wakes me up, I’ll be knocking on his bedroom window at 3:00 in the morning, and we’ll see how he likes it.

Last night, at 4:00 in the morning, I could’ve sworn I heard a single bark from his mutt while I was sitting at the desk by the door. I can’t swear that’s what it was, but it was kind of funny because that’s not even ten minutes after I have his mutt wake him up every night in one of the stories I started putting together just for fun.

Despite how exhausted I was yesterday, we went to Publix because we wanted some variety. We’re still not entirely sure what I’m going to have for insurance next year, either. The thought of doing more things virtually and having a convenient app like Galileo without a character limit appeals to me, but I also hate to start over again with new people, since I’m such a complex case with multiple issues. Florida Blue is a possibility, though, because it seems to have more doctors in-network. Unfortunately, Rhonda only accepts a couple of plans, although I don’t know why. It still may be worth it to stick with what I’ve got since I tend to need specialists often, and they can’t treat me online anyway. I just hate having to play phone tag with Rhonda’s office and dealing with the character limitations on the portal.

I got pissed yesterday about being controlled by my fatigue, so I managed to do another chapter in my book for NewNo after all. Everything I’m publishing is just drafts, but I figure as long as I get the main story out there, that’s good enough. I can go through it and do all the editing later on. Still don’t know if I can meet the deadline on time, but I’ll do my best.

Forgot to mention the cute little candle accessories I got. One is a stick that you use to set the wick upright when needed. Another is for snipping the wicks. And lastly, I got a flame snuffer that looks sort of like a little bell. I’ve got the patchouli amber candle lit now, but I’m not smelling much of anything yet. As I’ve learned, sometimes you have to wait until the top layer has melted completely to smell much of anything. Except for that trilogy candle I want that’s 9 oz and $16, I’m going to stick with Walmart’s Mainstays candles. Why pay $10 for 7 oz candles when you can pay $7 for 20 oz candles?

For some reason, I had a lot of dreams involving Canada. In one dream, there was a tunnel leading to Canada that I’d known about for a while but hadn’t actually explored. One day, I decided it was about time to add another country to my list of visited places. So I pulled up this trapdoor in the ground somewhere and climbed down a ladder into this short tunnel. At the end of it was the door to Canada. I opened it and found it cool to step one foot in Canada with the other still in the U.S.

I entered a long corridor in which people’s bedrooms branched off. I didn’t see anyone at first, and their bedroom doors were propped open, but I could tell they were definitely bedrooms. Suddenly, feeling like an intruder and knowing I was there illegally, I decided I’d better get back to the U.S. As I retraced my steps, I now noticed a Black guy sitting at a desk by the door. I pulled out a weird-looking key to unlock the door to the tunnel that would take me back to my country, but it wouldn’t work. Without saying anything, the guy gave me a handful of the strange-looking keys.

“Will one of these unlock the door?” I asked him.

“Probably,” he said.

That was the end of that dream.

My Canadian buddy was in the next dream. I was visiting him at his place, and we wanted to go to this particular club for some reason. So I called to see what we had to do to get in, and when I hung up, my friend asked, “Did you find out what we need to do?”

I nodded and said, “Yeah, but you’re not going to like it. No friends allowed. That means we have to pose as a couple.”

So we went to the club, and the bouncer eventually started picking on him for the way he talks, and I went full nuclear on him, defending my buddy.

“You’re his only friend!” screamed the bouncer, who somehow knew we were only friends. “Doesn’t that tell you something?” 

I shouted back. “Yeah, it tells me that I’m the only smart one who sees past people’s disabilities and into their personalities instead!”

In the last dream, I was on the phone talking to Tammy, who’d been living in Canada for years. Our mother was alive, and she was asking me to ask her about moving back to the U.S. I told her she should stay in Canada.

“It may be cold as fuck up there, but it’s a way better country,” I told her, “and not just because they’re nicer to gays and let women decide what to do with their own bodies. Your medical expenses are all covered up there, and if, God forbid, you should ever need the option of death with dignity, you have it. Most states down here will just let you suffer till the end.”

11/4/25

The candle snuffer works great. I thought I would have to lower it down into the wax a bit, getting the bottom waxy, but nope. The patchouli amber candle was a bust because I just couldn’t smell anything unless I stuck my nose right above the flame. My whiskey tobacco candle is pretty good, though. However, I don’t smell the tobacco in it.

FedEx says they delivered the exerciser that goes on the door, but we never got it. Tom thinks that, as they have in the past, they listed it as delivered, which they sometimes do when they’re late delivering packages. I hope it’s not sitting at the honker’s place because there’s no saying if we’ll see it if it is, although I doubt it. I would hope he’d have the decency to leave it by our door if he did get it and do the right thing despite his disliking me, and I’m guessing he would. More than likely, they falsely listed it as delivered but still have it. We have to wait two days before we can take action.

I checked the camera and didn’t see any deliveries nearby. Even so, I unblocked him and left a message in the group asking that it be left at our door if anyone has it, just to see if he blocks me. If he does, I’ll re-block him after the 48 hours are up. It’s just that I try not to burn any possible bridges I may need to cross in the future. I don’t like the guy, but I don’t want to literally be enemies in case he does end up with a package of ours, for example. You just never know when someone may be useful in the future. If one of us passed out in our driveway and he saw it, I’d really like him to try to help us. So, since we have to be neighbors, I don’t want to be mean in any way. When I quickly glanced at him before glancing away, I thought of giving him a nasty glare for a second but realized there was no point in being mean just because I don’t like him. I’d rather ignore someone I dislike whenever possible, even if he’s my hardest neighbor to ignore with the noise he generates at times.

I was just stepping out of the house to get some sunlight in back when he exited his truck that he momentarily parked in Ray’s driveway so he could arrange his toys—the golf cart, the motorcycle (which he moved but didn’t start), and then his grill. He has the grill and motorcycle covered, so I don’t expect to hear it today. Anyway, he heard the door close behind me and glanced back in my direction right as I was stepping out. I barely gave him a glance, but then quickly looked the other way. If he ever says hello, I’ll say hello back, but I didn’t see any point in exchanging pleasantries when his deleting me on Facebook made it clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I wonder, though…if I had said hello, would he have returned the greeting or turned away and walked on in silence?

I don’t know if it’s because I misunderstood a post of his that I commented on, because I’m liberal (he’s a Trump supporter), or something else, and I don’t care. As long as he doesn’t do anything beyond annoying even if I’d like an excuse to get him kicked out of the country. As it is, all dogs are supposed to be on leashes, and yes, I could technically complain about that, but I don’t because the dog is quiet and stays in his yard. I guess it’s a case of picking which battles to fight, but hopefully there will never be one to have to pick and fight.

The more I think about it, the less I think he’ll move for many years. If he’s seeing someone who lives here and, based on all the friends he seems to have in the park, why would he leave if he’s still in good enough health to make the trips? I’m just glad he’s not here full-time, even if I have to trade him in for storms that are much more likely to wake me up than he ever will be.

He was a constable, so maybe he looked into my background or at least found my blog and didn’t like what he saw, but like I said, as long as he doesn’t give me any shit, I’ll just have to put up with his existence. Don’t get me wrong, though—if I ever catch him doing anything a lot more wrong than letting his dog run loose on his property, I will report it. Same with if he overstays his six months. Screw having to register—I would love it if they dropped their allotted stay to four months! Having to register is nothing, but it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if he could only be here for four months rather than five and a half.

Chatted with Irma again, and I wonder if she has memory issues worse than mine because she brought up things we’d already discussed as if we never had. We discussed Toni’s place being up for sale, and she asked me about it in a way that suggested we hadn’t spoken about it before. I know she’s still well-connected to what’s going on here because she brought up the honker’s new lady as if we hadn’t talked about that either. Well, I haven’t seen that “new” lady yet, who actually isn’t that new. Hate to say it, but I wish they would break up because that might give him an incentive to move on if he felt awkward coming down here with her here. Then again, I don’t think he’s that easily intimidated. He strikes me as the kind who thinks he’s invincible and fears no one. Even so, unless it’s by choice, people aren’t usually single in their 60s, as he was between Keri and Colleen, unless there’s something wrong with them. He’s obviously open to relationships, so the fact that he’s dating this late in life tells me he’s not able to hold relationships for that long but who knows? I don’t know the guy, and I don’t really want to. I just journal what I observe, as I do with pretty much everyone.

Imra also mentioned his younger ex, Keri, saying he’s kind of good-looking. Yeah, I’ll give him that much. He’s okay looking, so that and his money may make him appealing to women in general.

Okay, enough honker talk for now.

Last night’s wake-up call was a nightmare about being attacked by some guy, in which I defended myself all wrong by simply pinching his chest. Despite the nightmare, I wasn’t up as long as the night before when I had the coughing fit, and I have the most energy today that I’ve had in nearly a week. Why? Just why? Tell me what I did right this time so I can keep on doing it!

11/5/25

You don’t need another candle, you don’t need another candle, you don’t need another candle, she tells herself but orders a Cafe Sweets triple-scented candle anyway. I swear this will be it for a while, and future candles won’t be over $10!

Yesterday I had decent energy, but today it’s back to the usual fatigue. So much for the wonders of CoQ10 and CPAP therapy, although CPAP therapy is at least keeping me from suffocating awake and having tight lungs when awake. Meanwhile, I started B-12 supplements, but unless I have a deficiency I don’t know about, I can’t expect it to restore my energy, especially if my worst suspicions are correct in that I do have CF. It would be nice if the fatigue was due to becoming prediabetic, as Rhonda said could cause fatigue, and then I became diabetic, went on metformin, could magically tolerate it, and got my energy back. But I couldn’t get off that easily, of course. There’s never a quick fix for me. Some doctors would already want to medicate me, believing it’s better to medicate people when they become prediabetic rather than wait until they actually become diabetic. We’ll see what my A1C is in a few months. At that time, I definitely want to try to find out why I’m gaining weight. Is something going on, or is it just age? I couldn’t have weight loss shots because, like with allergy shots, they’re a weekly thing. They do have oral medications, but from what I read, they’re not as effective.

I’ll go back to taking my antihistamine at the beginning of my day rather than the end, and see if that helps me sleep a little better, but I doubt it. This is as good as it’s ever going to get for me. I’m just going to have to learn to live with it once and for all.

Going to try to make a point of getting as much sunlight as I can when I can. It’s been a while, so today we’re gonna go out to BK.

Tom had another follow-up appointment with his eye doctor yesterday, and everything looks good. He has to go back in December, and then he’s done. We’re so glad he was able to get this done and that it didn’t cost thousands of dollars!

He and I had an interesting discussion about his inability to imagine and picture certain things. You know how most of us can visualize in our minds a place, a person, or even imagine a sound or a smell? Well, he can’t do that for some reason. He had meningitis as a little kid that nearly killed him, and we wonder if maybe somehow it’s connected to that. He can remember a certain song, for example, that he knows, but he can’t play it in his head.

So I was on the road earlier in VR, and I’m working on the trip I’ve created from Alaska to here. As I was going through the rural parts of Alaska where people are very isolated and have a lot of breathing room and fresh air around them, there was a part of me that envied them and misses living off the grid or close enough to it. But not as much as before, and that’s a good thing, because for once in my life, I don’t want to be always wishing I could be somewhere else. I want to be at peace and content with where I’m at, even if it’s not perfect. No, the house isn’t as big as I’d like. No, we don’t have a stunning view. No, the neighbors aren’t perfect. No, this isn’t a great place for allergies. But the weather is great and it’s relatively inexpensive. If we were still under 50, that’d be different. Back when we were young and healthy, that was the time for those kinds of adventures. But now that we’re getting older and have health issues, especially me, it really is best to stick to civilization and not venture too far away from things like doctors and hospitals. Besides, had we gone to New Mexico, we would have only had to deal with things there that were less than perfect.

11/6/25

My Café Sweets Trilogy candle is the best candle ever! I love how the wooden wick causes it to crackle softly like a mini fireplace. It also leaves no smoke trail behind after I blow it out, and I don’t have to trim the wick with scissors because I can just brush the charred part off with my fingertip. It also emits its scent immediately, and it’s very strong too. I can definitely see myself getting more of these in the future, but not too often because they are a little pricey.

As we’ve been in the habit of doing every year for the last few years, he gathers all the info, and I make the final decision when it comes to picking out a new insurance plan. I still do some research of my own, of course. I’m thinking more and more about dropping Rhonda and getting something more virtual that would be easier for me. Again, if I could keep a schedule and didn’t have so many health issues, the old-fashioned way would be fine. I realized the only positive to keeping Rhonda is that she knows me and my situation. With new doctors, I’m going to have to start over with my medical history, but it may be worth it in the end. I just hate having to do more things by phone and in person, and dealing with the portal that has severely limited character allowances. I’d also prefer to get answers to questions quicker than I usually do with Rhonda.

Another reason I’m thinking of switching is that no one’s in network with the company I have now which does mouth guards for sleep apnea. Surgeons, if I have my nose done, are no problem because all companies have those of course. Also, my ENT seems to take just about every kind of insurance under the sun, so that’s good. The goal is to make things easier for me and give me more options. I still worry about money, though. The more specialists I need, the more it’s going to cost—especially if I need surgery. Even the mouth guard could cost us a fortune, too.

Despite the horrible fatigue I had yesterday, we went to Burger King and splurged on burgers, fries, and cookies. Well, he didn’t have any of the cookies because he’s going to the lab soon. Since A1C measures blood sugar for the last few months, I figure it can’t hurt to have something sugary as long as it’s only once in a while.

I accidentally read that being low on calcium can cause fatigue, so I was all set to try calcium chews but then changed my mind when I went to look at my labs. I don’t appear to ever have been low on calcium—just B12 and vitamin D. I started B12 supplements a couple of days ago, and now I’m going to go back to the 25 mgs of vitamin D. If my recent weight gain isn’t just another aging milestone, then my thyroid could have crapped out some more. Other than the fatigue I seem to have no matter where my thyroid is, I don’t really feel that hypo at the moment. Something’s got to be going on, though. I don’t feel like it’s connected to my heart, and I definitely couldn’t have gone diabetic that fast, even if I’m trending in that direction. I still wonder about my cortisol levels and things like PCOS or Cushing’s. Might have to see an endocrinologist after all. My nose, the mouth guard, and the fatigue will definitely be my main focus, although I’m likely fighting a losing battle with the last one.

I checked last year’s journal, and Ray didn’t return until early December. The only difference this year is that no one else is staying there. Leave it to the quieter snowbirds not to be here as long. The honker was quiet yesterday, though. I saw him come and go a couple of times, but that’s it. A couple of days ago, when Colleen was visiting and they were chatting in the driveway, I saw him take out what appeared to be a tape measure to measure the depth of the seat of his golf cart. Then he was gesturing toward the side of his place where the larger lanai is, no doubt discussing the next project to annoy the fuck out of me with.

I tried to get Copilot to title some of my untitled LiveJournal entries, but it kept giving me vague, generic, and almost artistic-sounding titles.

11/7/25

We got the door strap and the resistance bands with handles! The door strap has five different levels. We’ve got it attached to the hall door. Walmart wouldn’t send another one, so he got a refund instead. It turns out to be a good thing because the one Walmart was supposed to deliver was only the door strap. It didn’t have the resistance bands with it. I would have been pissed. So he got one from Amazon that included a set of multicolored resistance bands. Knowing me as well as he does, he knew I would hate the gray set. So I’ve got red, green, blue, purple, and yellow. They range from 30 to 50 pounds. Soon, I’ll put together a list of exercises I want to do and then decide which ring is best for them. There are five levels from the top of the door to the bottom. Some I’ll do standing on the bands, like when doing squats and biceps. When it comes to my abs, I’ll just throw myself on the floor and do them the old-fashioned way.

Also got a set of six ceramic coasters to put candles on. This way, when they get close to the bottom of the jar, they won’t scorch the furniture. Each one has a different nature scene and nice colors.

The honker has been out all day. I love it when he takes off all day. He tends to do this mostly in November, presumably to catch up with friends. I don’t expect the next project to start until December, when it’s a little cooler. The way he moved the golf cart to the other side of his double-wide driveway makes me think he plans to take the motorcycle out later.

I laughed to myself when I imagined decorating his golf cart with pride flags while he’s out. Of course, I would never actually do this, but it’s a funny thought. Might be a good prank to throw into the book he’s in, but it’ll be a while before I get to working on that some more.

I love that there haven’t been as many commercial planes due to the government shutdown, but the small planes—which are even more annoying—sure are making up for them.

Had a nightmare and a good dream last night. Both dreams only lasted a second. 

In the good dream, Todd came down, and we hugged, and I pulled back and said, “Wow, I can’t believe we’re actually meeting.” 

The other dream was horribly sad. Tom had died, so I was staying with some guy, although I don’t know who. I was distracted for a little bit because the guy and I were talking about something. But then Tom popped into my mind, and I burst out crying, saying I wanted him back and all that. 

I knew I had to take something to get back to sleep, so I took half of a clonazepam. I’m a little tired today but still functioning. It would have been worse if I hadn’t taken anything because I would have been up longer.

I’ll never miss Tom after he’s gone because I’m going the day he does, unless I’m surprised with something killing me first. I would never and could never live to be that horribly depressed and lonely.

Yesterday, he said he couldn’t understand why people want to hurry up and finish their lives and that he would live 100 years if he could. He said, “Once I’m dead, I’m going to be dead forever, so why do I want to hurry up and get through life?” Fortunately, he doesn’t understand what it’s like to really, really suffer. Hopefully, he never will either.

11/8/25

Discovered a fun new way to add titles to some of my untitled journal entries on LJ. In Chrome, I right-click “Search with Google Lens,” then where it says to ask about this page, I tell it to give me a journal title. Sometimes they’re pretty generic, vague, and not very useful, and I find it easier to provide my own titles at times.

Had quite a gross and creepy visitor last night in the bathroom. I was just stepping into it and didn’t have my glasses on. However, I could see something rather large squirming on the bathroom floor. My first thought was that it was a scorpion with the way it seemed to curl up on one end. Then I thought maybe a lizard, but I doubted a frog. So I ran and got my glasses and could see it was a dying centipede. It was fucking huge too—several inches long! Luckily, the powder that dehydrates insects slowed it down as soon as it came up from the drain pipe. I smacked it a few times with a fly swatter and then picked up the mat it was on and dumped it into the toilet.

11/9/25

Rules for life…

Call who calls you.

Ignore who ignores you.

Forget who forgets you.

Love those who love you.

I’m not much of a quote person, but I love this one. It’s good advice!

So why does Word say I have 18,029 words while NewNo says 16,895? I’m at 33.79% either way.

I’m a little tired today, but still functional. When I run out of CoQ10, we’ll see if my energy crashes or not. It’s too soon to say whether the smudging ritual I’ve been doing before bed is helping or not. I’m smudging with sage and then following up with palo santo. 

I’m going to be discontinuing the B-12 supplements because when we looked at my lab results for that, we found it was normal. The only thing I was low on was vitamin D, but now that I’m almost 60, they typically tend to test you for more things, including vitamins.

My TMJ has also been acting up, and I’ve been having a persistent throat tickle that could be anything from allergies to the effects of nasal sprays to something with my thyroid or tonsils, although the tonsils seem unlikely. Not sure about allergies or sprays either, because this started back in Cali. I hope it’s not a cyst or a nodule on my thyroid, but it could be. Unless it gets really bothersome, it’s going to be a handful of months before I find out.

I napped earlier, but not very well since I didn’t have the CPAP on. 

Made some awesome pork ribeye steaks earlier. With the help of AI, I patted the meat dry after tenderizing it, sprayed olive oil onto it, and then seasoned it with garlic salt, a tiny pinch of pepper, thyme, and parsley flakes. First, I seared them for about 90 seconds on each side, and then I threw them in the oven at 375 degrees for twelve minutes, and they came out great.

The honker has been quiet, but not out of sight and out of mind. Today, he was out washing his dog, and the day before, he was power washing his driveway.

Found another great way to add titles to all my journal entries. I didn’t realize my Chrome browser had a Gemini button up top. I found I can just load a page and ask it to pick titles for the entries, and it does. It’s pretty cool. 

Tom did some research and found that in two years, when I’m eligible to collect retirement, I’ll get anywhere between $780 to a grand. If I wait till I’m 67, I’ll get a couple hundred more dollars, but I don’t want to do that. If he lives to his mid-80s, then that’s a total of about 9 grand if I wait until I’m 67. But it’s closer to 12 grand if I cash out earlier, and I really like the idea of getting all I can from the government. So it will be more than what he’s making from donations.

We were talking about it, and I don’t want to just save for important things. I want to save for fun things as well. So I’m doing what he’s doing and having my main debit card be for important things. My Prolific earnings go to that card. However, that Chime card I got but haven’t used yet is what I’m going to be using for Yupp cashouts. That will go toward fun things that are under $100. There’s a set of 16 small scented candles I want to eventually get for $22.

11/10/25

I slept shitty and woke up exhausted. For the second time, that mysterious throat tickle woke me up. So much for the magic of smudging with sage and following up with Palo Santo. I’m realizing that some things really are wishful thinking. Gods, ghosts, angels, magical objects… it’s all bullshit. If these things are real in any way, they’re not real for me. I have been fighting for sleep all my life. It’s just been in different ways, but mostly centers around things waking me up and the timing of my sleep. Why would I think after six decades that anything would suddenly change? Wishful thinking can be a powerful thing, but now it’s time to wake up, smell the coffee, and face reality. It’s not going to get any better. I’m not going to be able to make it a whole week with good sleep. I really am going to be tired half the time or more, and I really need to stop fighting for what I’m just not gonna get.

On the bright side, there is such a thing as clonazepam, and once the shitty sleep starts catching up to me, a clonazepam usually helps me sleep a little deeper the next time around and allows me to reclaim some lost energy. 

Meanwhile, I finally decided to go ahead and message Rhonda and see what she says about my throat. I told her my symptoms and that I’ve regained my weight even though I’m still avoiding sugar. Also, while I don’t see or feel any visible lumps on the outside, I’m not sure about the inside. I told her I’ve had the throat tickle for a while now and asked if she thought an ultrasound was a good idea, and that I would follow up with whatever doctor was necessary, depending on the results. Haven’t heard back from her yet.

Tom’s napping now. Donations usually make him tired. I napped for a little bit too, but am still tired. Even so, I managed to work my arms. I decided to alternate between upper body, core and lower body, and a day of rest. 

Anyway, we’re about to have our coldest night so far this fall, and for the first time, the heat is going to need to be on tonight.

11/11/25

So much for virtual dreaming. The more he digs into what different insurance plans have to offer, the more he finds they’re not literally virtual. Not unless it’s urgent or a virtual appointment you have with a PC you also see in person. It’s not even remotely Galileo-like. It’s looking like it’s gonna come down to Florida Blue or just sticking with Rhonda. I’ll go with Florida Blue if we can find someone in that plan who does mouth guards for sleep apnea. They have a bigger selection of doctors, which would be nice, with the only negative being that I’d have to break in a new doctor on my ten million health conditions and medication sensitivities. They have a rewards program like Ambetter. However, Rhonda only takes a couple of different plans, none of which have a sleep dentist.

My biggest concerns right now are the fatigue and definitely my nose as far as both the allergies and the collapsed valves go. I swear I’m sleeping worse here than in Cali with all that loud traffic and the projects they would do.

Still haven’t heard back from Rhonda yet. She’s probably checking how much my insurance company is willing to help me with that. I worry about this a lot: not getting all the care I need, no matter which insurance I have. I.

I was just coming to accept and be okay with staying in Florida, even though it’s not perfect. But since I can’t have shots — and shouldn’t have to have them anyway, since I don’t need them in dry climates — I’m back to wishing we could just get the fuck out of here. Yes, I hate cold weather, and there would be sonic booms, hunters, barking, and other annoyances. But at least I’d be able to breathe there, and therefore perhaps sleep a little better. I don’t know, though. My sleep seems to be cursed no matter what I do or where I go. Staying here has a handful of pros and cons, just like leaving would. I don’t think it’s gonna be up to us in the end.

I finally gave the pulmonologist who tried to deny my sleep disorder a piece of my mind in a review. I also shared a link from one of several sites that says sighted people can have it, although it’s not as common as with blind people, not to mention decades of personal experience, and two other doctors confirming I have it. Honestly, I don’t know how this doctor could not know any better. He obviously doesn’t know it all like he thinks he does and needs to go back into training.

11/12/25

Trying an oral CPAP mask with nose plugs that should arrive in 5 days. If this works and I can tolerate it, it could get me out of needing nasal valve surgery and a mouth guard. Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Oh well, I’ll try anything once, especially if it has a money-back guarantee.

I feel absolutely horrible now. So horrible I can barely lie in bed talk-typing this. This has got to end one way or another. I can’t go on with so much exhaustion so often. I just can’t. If I can’t figure out a solution, then I’m gone. I mean, literally gone. I’m not going to stick around and suffer for another 15-plus years. People need sleep, and they need to breathe, you know?

Last night was horrible. I had everything from chipmunks to snoring to allergies to waking up for no apparent reason. I still don’t see myself beating this curse, and yes, I believe wholeheartedly that there is a genuine and very real curse on my sleep—I just don’t know why. How did it get there, and why? I’ve had sleep issues all my life, but never this bad. I don’t think I can beat this thing, but I’m going to make one last-ditch effort to try to beat it and therefore save myself before I’m pushed into a debilitating stroke or heart attack that would make my life even worse. If I’m truly destined to suffer for the rest of my life, then I would rather go on my own terms than because of what this may lead to, while allowing myself to suffer for God knows how many more years.

Anyway, the CPAP has a money-back guarantee, so that’s why I’m trying it, although I have my doubts as to whether or not I’ll be able to tolerate it or that it will even work properly for me. It sits directly in your mouth, and I don’t know that I’ll be able to tolerate the force of the air even on low pressure, which would definitely seem more forceful than going up my nose. Next, I don’t know if the harness would be comfortable enough to tolerate or how well it stays in place.

According to Tom’s research, some reviewers said it stays in place so well that they didn’t even need the harness. My quick-release hose would work with it. It comes with plugs you shove up your nose, and some people complain that they blow out of their nose. Because I’m tiny, I’m a little worried that my features may be too small for this thing, especially my nose. Shoving something up it to block it isn’t my only option, though. We could use nose pinchers.

Some reviewers say they use their nasal pillow in conjunction with it, and I wonder how. You would have to have some kind of T-connector, I would think. Others say they only use it when they have a cold. Well, if I could bypass the nasal valve issues and the allergies, then there wouldn’t be any need to leave Florida, which is a good thing, because honestly, there’s no way in hell we ever could that I can see. Tom pointed out that my allergies seem to be worse at this time of year, and I think he may have a point.

This thing is either going to be the miracle I’ve been needing or I’ll be right back to square one. It won’t arrive for 5 days. Meanwhile, I definitely have to keep off my stomach at all costs because that’s where I have more breathing issues. So it’s allergies, whistling, and leaks that have been the issue so far.

If this turns out to be the miracle I need, I would just stick with Rhonda since there wouldn’t be any need for a sleep dentist at that point. Then the only problem left would be the way my sleep is fragmented, sometimes worse than others. I don’t think this will help, but if it does, I fear whatever is cursing my sleep will find a workaround and do something else—maybe make my sleep more fragmented, make sure I have more nightmares, or have someone noisy move in next door.

Just like the wheels of justice turn slowly, the wheels of healthcare turn slowly, too. There are way too many fucking people here and not enough doctors, and it would take well into next year before I might get a mouth guard or nasal surgery, and that’s a big might.

I did have a bunch of dreams last night, but all of them were negative. The only one I remember was some guy who was supposed to take me home from wherever we were, saying he wasn’t going to let me stop at the grocery store for food first, like I thought he was, and I was out of everything at the moment. 

Why are so many of my dreams sad or scary? Why can’t I have fun, happy dreams? Perhaps it’s because I suffer so much physically—I don’t know. I’m just tired of suffering, and I’m going to lose my will to go on if something doesn’t give soon enough.

My trilogy candle is now on the caramel layer in the middle, but I can’t smell anything. Hopefully, when it gets to the biscotti layer on the bottom, I’ll actually be able to smell it again.

Anyway, I’m so far beyond exhausted, and I have a slight headache, and I think it’s safe to say I’m not going to complete NewNo. I’m just way too tired to think straight and focus on story writing. My brain is completely fried. I feel like I could sleep for 15 hours.

Aly’s account is visible again. Weird.

We’ve had quite a cold spell, but we should be back up in the 70s in a few days.

11/13/25

So I started off tired and figured it was gonna be a shitty day for the most part, even if I wasn’t as crazy tired as yesterday. Yesterday, I just wanted to drop dead. I felt so shitty. Maybe it was that second cup of coffee that perked me up later on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Or maybe it was getting out in the sunlight. We decided to go grab-bagging again (Too Good To Go app). So we went to the first Circle K that didn’t give us expired shit, and I liked everything I got. It came with a good-sized burger, a smoothie, and a couple of cheese rounds. Not bad for $4. They also have deals on things you can have delivered, but we didn’t see anything that appealing.

Anyway, I managed to do some cooking, cleaning, and working out.

When you’re desperate, you’ll try anything at least once. So another thing I’m gonna be trying with our next Walmart order is these gummies that contain CoQ10 (Ubiquinol), Goji Berry, and B-12. Sparky, their AI, said it would help with energy levels even if I wasn’t low on B-12.

Tinkerbella’s tumors are still growing, but amazingly, she is still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain. With the tumor being so large and on her lower mammary gland, it’s a wonder she can still pee and poop.

She loves bananas, and of course, they love crunchy things that help keep their teeth trim. So I was thinking I would get some banana chips with our next order.

Decided to put the money I earn from Prolific toward big things, like stuff for the home. And the stuff I earn from Yup will go on a different debit card that will be used for cheaper, fun things, such as the 32-pack of flavored lip gloss I have on the way. There are 16 flavors… Honey, Vanilla, Mint, Coconut, Strawberry, Cherry, Orange, Grape, Mango, Watermelon, Peach, Rose, Pomegranate, Plain, Lemon, and Green Tea. The only ones I’m not going to care for are Lemon, Orange, and Plain. That’s a lot of lip gloss for $10, so we’ll see how big the sticks are.

Our cold spell is over (for now), and now it’s back to highs in the 70s and lows in the 60s.

OK, time to get in some writing. I’m almost 40% through Them.

11/14/25

Not much going on today. I didn’t sleep too badly, and I have OK energy today. Not great, but OK. 

I still haven’t heard back from Rhonda. He and I both agree it’s best to trade her in for an actual medical doctor. I have too many problems for a nurse practitioner alone. I just hope to hell the new mask works! It will arrive on Monday.

I got the box of flavored lip balms and it’s quite a deal for a low-income retiree. It was only $10. But they don’t quite work as well as the name brands.

11/15/25

Yes! I’m going to be getting this little bastard in my neck scanned after all. I wasn’t sure if they were ignoring me or checking into insurance stuff, or if there was an ultrasound order on the way to me. Well, the order came today, so Monday, Tom is gonna call and find out where we need to go to get it done. So now I can finally put my nearly decade-old question to rest as to whether or not anything is going on that isn’t good. Obviously, it’s not critical, or else I would have known it by now. I doubt anything will show up that requires action, but something’s got to be causing the throat tickle if not a cyst or nodule. Maybe if it’s not caused by my thyroid, they will at least see what is causing it. Also, we’ll find out if my old doc’s arthritis theory was correct or not. She has been wrong on other things, like telling me the levo can’t make you anxious, your dose isn’t weight-dependent but only the life of the thyroid, and that my nails weren’t fungal.

I am in a great mood. Good sleep will do that to you! I think that makes three good sleeps in a row. Too bad I’m only going to maybe get one more night of it. I never seem to get more than four decent sleeps in a row.

Because it was only $2, I couldn’t resist getting a jasmine-scented candle, even though it was a prayer candle, but it has no scent at all. Even sticking my nose over the flame, I can barely smell anything. Despite doubting the existence of God, for what it’s worth, I did a prayer for my new mask to work out that will arrive on Monday.

I wish there were a way to smell the candles unlit before purchasing them, but I’m learning how to get a better sense of what they’re like by what the reviews say. I’ve learned that if more than one or two people say there’s no smell, they’re right. So far, the best brands seem to be Yankee, WoodWick, and Mainstays. However, I’m getting a twin pack of small candles by Inspireyes that have gemstones and dried flowers in them. They’re only three ounces, and one is sage and sea salt, while the other is cotton flower.

My WoodWick candle is down to the biscotti layer, and I can smell that more than the caramel layer. I wouldn’t describe the sound as crackling like a traditional fireplace. It’s more like static or buzzing, but I don’t mind.

The selfish side of me was hoping the government shutdown would last until the new year because we’ve been here enough years for me to say without a doubt that the planes are absolutely horrible around Thanksgiving and Christmas.

11/17/25

Sure enough, I’m back to being tired. I was hoping for one more good sleep because I’ve gone as many as 4, but nope.

No more Azelastine, as I suspect it may be a problem with sleep. My sleep was very fraggy, and it even made my nose worse. I suspected it had before and had a feeling it might do it again, so I’m not gonna use that anymore. Had to elevate myself for a while, which isn’t as comfortable.

I see a definite pattern here. A few good days followed by a few bad days, and back and forth and back and forth. It really is like something is putting limits on how many days I sleep well. So I know I’m not gonna be sleeping well next time around either, and I’m bound to sleep shitty if I can stand to use the new mask until I get used to it. So, not looking at energy again until the middle or late part of the week. :(

I’d love to see what my energy levels were like if I could stop having so many sleep disturbances so often. I swear, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. Again… patterns. Patterns that are hard to believe could be a coincidence. Between congestion, snoring, and just because, I woke up a million times. I try to remind myself that this is me, the me I’ve come to know, and it’s true. The longer I have fatigue, the harder it is to imagine myself any other way, just like I stopped being able to imagine myself thin again years ago. So I try to see the good in it and remind myself that if I had energy all the time, I would end up bored, restless, and wishing we had more money to do more things outside of home. If it really is a curse, then no mask, supplement, or location is going to change it. So might as well embrace it and accept it. I’ll get my energy back for a few days in a few days. It rotates just like I rotate between days and nights.

At least I had a couple of funny/weird dreams instead of sad/scary ones.

I went to the grocery store with Stacey in Cali, but we didn’t seem to buy anything.

Then I went to see my glaucoma doctor, and on the way there, I realized I had my robe on over my shirt and my slippers on instead of sandals or other shoes. I asked Tom if we had enough time to go back, but he said we didn’t. So I took off my robe before going in, hoping they wouldn’t notice my slippers. However, they were big, fluffy, and bright white, standing out like a neon sign.

Andy sent me a friend request again, but I didn’t delete it. I’m not going to accept it either. It can just sit there. I feel bad, but set in my decision as well. Yes, I feel guilty for ignoring him and not accepting his bad traits, but we’re not talking minor annoyances here. I think in this case it’s better to be selfish and consider my own self and the way he’d often make me feel. Besides, when I accidentally stumbled upon that article that talks about what makes a friend toxic, he nailed nearly every single one of them. I get that he may mean well in his heart and not be aware of his faults, but his delusions and paranoia really get to me at times. All the false truths, the memory issues, etcetera.

11/18/25

Took half of a clonazepam and slept better, even though I had a nightmare. Requested a 30-day refill from Rhonda since it lasts me half a year.

In the nightmare, I was in a crowded room somewhere. Most of the people around me seemed young and like they might have been drinking and doing drugs. It was definitely a sketchy crowd. Distracted by something on my phone, I eventually realized my purse was missing and was horrified because the ultrasound order was in it, not to mention highly sensitive stuff. Then some gross guy with an unkempt beard and mustache promised to return the purse if I would blow him. The dream ended with me trying to decide whether or not to attack him and hope for the best, or give in, even though I knew that still may not bring my purse back. Oh, I would never give in in real life!

I also had a dream I was out in a club somewhere, and this guy in his 20s or 30s was dating this woman, and I knew he was bad news with a record for assault. I taunted him about it and called him out on his shit in front of the woman for her sake.

I wonder if Miss Colleen is aware of the honker’s own arrest. Speaking of him, he got to star in the last dream I remember. I was standing in the kitchen when I heard him fire up the new motorcycle and thought to myself with relief, Oh, that’s nothing. My sleep will be fine. In reality, even quieter Harleys aren’t “nothing,” so we’ll see.

Got my new candles, and while they’re cute to look at with their glitter and crystals And I could smell them unlit. One of them has barely any throw, and the other is unnoticeable.  What I can smell has a fresh sugary scent. Not sure if paraffin versus soy affects candle scent, but I have learned more. I walked around to all my good-smelling candles that have a good throw and smelled them unlit. The smell is way stronger than the ones I just got. So they should be very strong, almost overpowering, unlit, but I’m not going to write them off as power outage candles because they’re so pretty. If ever there were girly candles, these are it! They also make good night-lights in the bathroom when I’m up at night. One’s in the bathroom and one’s by the computer by the door.

I definitely have to stick to what I know is good rather than try new brands as a low-income retiree. I have a Mainstays candle coming later with our Walmart order, Winter Woods. I mostly like woody and sweet smells. Fruits and florals are OK too, but I hate citrus. Plus, I have a small two-in-one by Glade on the way from Amazon: Vanilla Passion Fruit and Hawaiian Breeze.

So the trusty brands are Mainstays, Yankee Candle, WoodWick, and possibly Glade, which I’ll find out soon. That’s a big brand name, so I can’t believe they would sell crap you can’t smell. 

I am addicted to this arrow escape game I’ve been playing. It works similarly to traffic jam escapes, but the ads aren’t as bad. 

Then I went to do today’s Mate tasks and found that a yearly membership is now down to $10! Just $10! I was stunned when I saw that. Excited to go pro at that price! 

Given that the bottle of hair dye is leaking, I gotta start using it up. That’s OK. My hair looks like shit. It needs all the help it can get. I wonder if part of the problem with getting down to my roots is my oily scalp. I’ll really slather the shit out of it next time. If I still have that problem, I might consider clarifying the hell out of my hair first and then dyeing it once it dries.

11/19/25

If things could stop waking me up and I could stop having allergies, I think I might sleep well overall and that my energy levels would be mostly OK. Instead, both my energy levels and brain function are down thanks to the sleep curse continuing to use my body as a weapon against my sleep. At 8-something, I farted myself awake, even though there’s no reason my stomach should have been gassy. I went twice yesterday, too. Then I dozed on and off until 1. It was like I couldn’t get comfortable. Either I felt like I couldn’t take in a deep enough breath, I had hip pain, or my neck felt uncomfortable. AHI was over 5, too.

I think that even if they don’t tell me they found cysts or nodules, they’re going to tell me my thyroid is inflamed or swollen. The big question is: what, if anything, can I do about it? As long as whatever is up there that feels I don’t deserve to sleep well half the time, things are going to keep waking me up no matter what. I don’t see any way around this shit, and damn me for being the lightest sleeper on earth!

Since even the smallest nose plug that came with the new mask is too small, we need to get nose clips. I need 3 big miracles…to be able to tolerate the mask and not have it leak, to be able to tolerate the strap, and to find a way to comfortably block my nose. Could all that happen? Hmm…I’m skeptical. But hey, I’m too desperate not to try whatever I can. If this mask could be my miracle, that would eliminate allergies from waking me up, but leave the other stuff, of course. Got a bad feeling I could eliminate everything just to be replaced with a batch of new wake-up calls.

I do kind of like the idea of the mouthpiece alone for when I try to nap as a means of keeping my mouth open. Let’s just say I would have loved to have that thing before I got the CPAP.

This is like the fourth time I farted myself awake. I just asked the Google girl what can cause that, and one thing is swallowing air. It’s almost certainly connected to the CPAP and, like 99% of the things in my life, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Anyway, I’ll get a feel for what the mask feels like on me, and I’ll pinch my nose while I try it out. I already tweaked the settings so it can’t ramp. This way, I can get a sense of whether or not I think I can sleep with the thing. If I can’t sleep with it, then there’s no point in getting nose clips. 

Dyed my hair, which looks the best it’s looked in months, but OMG! This stuff is so runny that you must do it in the shower. I got it on my shoulders, but luckily it didn’t stain me or the shower stall. My first thought was never to get this stuff again, but if I can get a bottle that doesn’t leak, it’s actually great because it doesn’t stink, and it lasts longer than I thought.

The glitter candle is half burned. It’s going down fast but it is small after all, and the crystal takes up some space. Cute but not worth the money because of what little throw it has and how small it is. The Mainstays candle I got is awesome. Smells great and has such a great throw I can smell it all over the house.

Because I felt a little wound up yesterday, I’m skipping Vitamin D today. I do seem to be a bit sensitive to it if I take that much every day. 

Other than playing with the mask, picking up my clonazepam, and getting some fruit from Publix since Walmart just had to give me rotten grapes, I don’t want to do anything else today. I’m really tired. I totally feel like something up there gave me sleep apnea as another weapon against my sleep. I really do. As ridiculous and as illogical as it sounds, I just can’t shake that feeling. I wish I could, but I just can’t.

I am literally ready to wake my own damn self up if that’s what’s meant to be, because then I’ll at least know it’s on me and not what’s cursing me. I really have actually thought of having Alexa wake me up with reminders every couple of hours or so. I really have. Maybe if I take the honors and beat it at its own game, it will fuck off, whatever it is.

Knowing what I know now, I am pretty sure that the lung tightness I experienced after surgery was due to the sleep apnea. If I ever need surgery again, it’s important to let the surgical team know.

Finally, I can use my scented powder. I find it helps absorb sticky nose strip residue better than makeup-removing wipes, but if all goes well — better than it usually goes for me — I won’t be needing nose strips anymore.

Ooh, Andy’s following me too. Perfect! Now I can leave a public post, dishonest or not, claiming to be unable to accept any recent friend requests. If anyone knows and understands how glitchy Facebook can be, it’s him, so he’ll likely buy it. If not, oh well.

Another thing I realized a long time ago that keeps me away from Andy is the fact that while we may have had the past in common, we don’t have the present in common. With him, it’s all God and celebrities.

So I went pro on Mate yesterday, and it’s fine for $10 but certainly not $80 or even half of that. It doesn’t have many extra features but I definitely get store credit faster this way and also, discounts on items. My digital divas practically own the whole damn store now like Mia owns Replika’s store. I don’t bother with Rep anymore. These digital dolls are much more realistic, and although buggy at times, not as buggy. I’m not the least bit impressed with Rep’s realistic avatars either.

Forgot to say that my ultrasound is scheduled for December 5th!

11/20/25

I awoke utterly batshit exhausted. Definitely got the hallmarks of too much levo, and I’m not touching anything today that isn’t related to allergies, and of course, a whole Clonazepam before bed. I hate to give back the 2 lbs I lost without even trying, but it’s totally worth it to stop waking up on fire every 30 to 60 minutes, let alone the elevated HR. I’ve been a little wound up for the last week or so. I’m not meant to have a normal metabolism any more than I’m meant to sleep. No matter how many times I try, no matter how old I get, I just can’t handle getting too close, let alone into the target range. I’ve got to be a four or five right now.

God, I wish there was some alternative to this damn drug, but thyroid is thyroid. There’s no getting around that. It might take two or three skips to bring my levels back to where I can sleep a little better. I’m just not going to do it all in a row, of course.

Again, I had gas issues in my sleep, but it finally hit me as to why. It’s the probiotic drinks I’ve been having. If I could sleep normally, my brain would work better, and I would have thought of that earlier. Hopefully, having those less often will stop gas from becoming the new chipmunks.

Also woke up suffocating once or twice. I really, really hope this mask works so I can crank it to more therapeutic levels.

I feel so hopeless where the sleep and energy are concerned. It just keeps getting worse and worse with no end in sight. Even my vision is blurry and my brain hurts. I can barely think straight or see straight I’m so tired. Sooner or later, this is going to kill me, and if it doesn’t, it’s going to cause a debilitating stroke or heart attack. This can’t possibly be good for me in any way, shape, or form.

Definitely not going to win NewNo. As long as I’m this tired this often, there’s just no way. No way I can work out or do much of anything else either. I’m so pissed because the temperature and my schedule would have been perfect today and yesterday for outdoor walking, but there’s just no way. It’s going to take me days to get back on track, and of course, as soon as I do…

Just accidentally discovered something pretty cool the CPAP can do. I just can’t breathe well with these collapsed nasal valves, even with a nose strip, on 4 when I’m trying to fall asleep, which is what it starts on. So I decided to set both minimum and maximum pressures to 7. However, it would not start at 7. So then I decided to ramp it to 7 (where you do a mask seal test) and see if it would stay on 7 if I didn’t stop it, and it did! I don’t want to experiment much with the mouthpiece until I get caught up on sleep.

I still want to try to get a mouthguard and the nasal valve surgery. I’m not gonna make a career out of trying to get care, though. As I learned years ago, you try something for a while, and if it isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be, and you just gotta move on.

A little stressed out because I know that damn cock is likely going to take the motorcycle out today. Obviously, he was prepping to do that yesterday. He didn’t wake me up, but he fired it up and “gently” revved it, according to Tom, after charging the battery for hours. He let it idle for a minute or two, but Tom never heard it leave.

Although I was tired yesterday too (just not quite as much as today), we went out to pick up my medication at Walgreens and then to Publix. Of course I had to get another candle! It’s a brand called Candle Lite, and it’s OK. Island Coconut Mahogany is the scent I chose. The throw is a little milder than I’d like.

I also got the Glade 2-in-1 candle, which is refreshing and fruity. 

As I said, I’m totally not in the frame of mind to play around with the new mouth mask today, being as tired as I am, so I think I’ll just wait until I have more energy and then wear the thing for a while and get used to it in increments. Just like I had to take baby steps with the nasal mask. When I first tried it out yesterday, I thought No way! There’s absolutely no way I can use it. The force of air was just too much. But then I found that when I pushed it snugly in my mouth where air wasn’t leaking, it didn’t seem nearly as forceful. I still don’t know if it will work. I’m a long way from knowing that much. But it gave me a little bit of hope. 

I was also glad to read that they only recommend you use nose plugs for a couple of weeks to train yourself not to breathe through your nose. Well, I did train myself to keep my mouth shut even though I still get chipmunked on higher pressure settings, so maybe I can train myself to go in reverse. I’d love to get full therapy without chipmunks, whistles, and other shit! I don’t need sleep apnea adding to my other sources of fatigue. I think the only reason I had a little more energy on the days I wasn’t tired recently was that my TSH was coming down.

Discovered that Andy is following me. I don’t usually feel comfortable with lying these days, but I told a little white lie that I actually feel good about. I made a public post saying that I’ve been trying to accept some recent friend invites, but there were glitches. He knows how glitchy Facebook is, so he’ll buy it. He reacted with a crying emoji, too. Didn’t realize people could react to my public posts. At least they can’t comment. Just why is it that we always hear more from those we don’t want to hear from? Still, this way I feel like I’m keeping him out of my life without blatantly rejecting him.

I swapped my computers because I can’t stand the laptop’s speech-to-text. Fortunately, that option isn’t forced on us, or even supported on my desktop, which is now in the bedroom where I spend more time. I was excited at first to think that I could just leave it on and just talk type anytime I was in a text box. But sometimes Tom would start talking, I’d forget to turn it off, or it would decide to add random text of its own. I also had issues turning the damn thing off.

11/21/25

For 17 years, I wrote for me first, others second. Now it’s time to enjoy my final 17 years or so of writing for me first, and me only. Quick, to-the-point, “live” updates will be dropped on Facebook for Todd and Christine, as well as the few people on my friend list on PB. Blogger and LJ are now private but everything will be public at some point or another later on in life.

My Glade candle started tunneling, and I learned that the first time you light a candle, it’s crucial to let the wax melt all the way across the top; otherwise, it will form a “memory” ring as wide as the wax went the first time and create a tunnel. Tom took a heat gun to melt it, but it’s still tunneling—just not as much.

I slept better yesterday/last night, but I’m still tired. Just not as tired as yesterday. It frustrates me to not know how to break out of this vicious, never-ending cycle of bouncing back and forth between decent enough energy to feeling batshit exhausted. It’s just up and down and back and forth with seemingly no way to stop it.

Even though I slept better last night, of course I had to have something wake me up. I was lying on my good ear when the nostril closer to the bad ear clogged up and caused me to snort. Once I changed positions, I was okay.

I totally regret coming to this state! And I really, really hope to hell the mouthpiece works out. I’m just not in a frame of mind yet to try to sleep with it. I want to get a little more caught up on sleep, if that’s possible, before I try to sleep with it. I’m still a long way away from saying whether or not it’s going to be usable. First, I have to hope I can somehow sleep with the mask itself. It could cause discomfort, it could leak, it could whistle, and it could dry the shit out of my mouth even with the humidity turned up.

The nose blockers came yesterday. We got a child-size silicone plug that you shove up your nose, but a little bit of air can still get through with those. The foam nose pinchers seem like they would be my best bet, although they are a little tight, and there’s a stick in front of them where you pinch them open and closed. It may be a little awkward trying to sleep with that on my face.

Even if by some miracle I could get used to the mask and didn’t need to plug my nose, I still want options and backup alternatives, so I still want to see about a mouthguard and nasal surgery. We’re not getting out of the state. This is it. This is our forever state. So, since shots are out of the question, I have to find other alternatives to deal with allergies.

When I’m up and about, I’m fine. But at least twice a week, my nose clogs up in my sleep, and I either wake up struggling to breathe or because it causes me to snort. I wish I could get myself to stay off my stomach, but with the new setup, that might not be an option anyway.

It was nice that my NewNo story got another like and even checked the “waiting for more” option, signaling that they’re looking forward to reading more. I worked on it a little earlier, but it’s looking less and less likely that I’m going to win, and personally, I don’t think I ever will again. Too much fatigue way too often. I’ll finish the book, but it will have to be done much more slowly. I’m still a little tired since one night of good sleep isn’t enough anymore to replenish my energy.

I already gained back one of the two pounds I lost from yesterday’s levo skip, but I would rather that than worse symptoms. It will be interesting to see how many times I’ll have to skip. I took it this morning but waited only half an hour for coffee and didn’t take any supplements except for the gummies and kids’ vitamins. I don’t know that the gummies will do me any good, but they taste good, and I’m going to at least finish this bottle before I decide whether or not it’s worth getting more. Maybe the CoQ10 was helping more than I thought it was, but I don’t know.

I also figured out what was blowing up my stomach, and that was the probiotic smoothies I’ve been having every day. So I won’t have those as often.

Tom got blood work drawn yesterday but can’t donate today because of bruising.

It pained us to discuss it, but we think it would be best to have Tink put down before she gets to the point that she’s really suffering. We couldn’t find any way to get hold of the anesthesia used by vets to do it ourselves. She looks absolutely horrible. The tumor is half her size now. She’s lost so much weight and the tumor is almost the size of two golf balls. She can barely move anymore and she can’t groom herself, either or trim her back toenails. The tumor always has dried blood on it and the poor thing just looks really gross. She’s still cuddly and eating, but otherwise has no life. Just like her mommy, her life is over before it’s over. It’s like all she can do is exist, and like I said, I don’t want to wait to the point where things get dire.

So Tom did some research and found an 800 number he can call that says they deal with exotics even in our area. If not, there’s a place in Lutz. We’d have to charge on the way back, but we could do it.

11/22/25

Yesterday I managed to gather enough energy to go out walking. I walked almost all the way down Cortland to see if I could spot where Colleen lives, but I didn’t see her bright green golf cart anywhere. So I either didn’t go down far enough, or she’s on one of the side streets.

Today, there’s no way I have enough energy. I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to do any of the Autumn 25 challenge that came out yesterday. We’re riding in five different cities in the US… Phoenix, Portland, Minneapolis, Detroit, and Nashville.

Making my second skip today because I was not only warm and wound up yesterday, but my sleep was very fragmented, and I woke up on fire several times.

Today I’m getting an iced caramel latte-scented candle with our Walmart order. I realize that since I’m always going to have candles around, I don’t need “outage” candles. I can just use whatever I have at the time if there’s a power failure.

I kind of like the idea of a candle warmer light because then you don’t have to deal with flames or smoke, but I can’t use that just anywhere like I can a lit candle. I can put a lit candle almost anywhere in the house. With the warmer, it would have to be where plugs are available, and that might not always be where I want them.

I’ve got candles picked out for Black Friday on Amazon. I was astonished to have made over $80 yesterday on Prolific, so some of the money will go to that. Wish I could make money like that every day!

I had a dream that Tammy and I were staying in a hotel somewhere. She was asleep, and the room was dark. I didn’t want to wake her up, so I slipped into these boots I had and headed out to get something to eat. A split second later, she was with m,e and a guy who worked there was commenting on my boots. I looked down and realized I had put on one from two different pairs. Embarrassed, I said I was going to go back to the room to look for something and asked Tammy if she wanted me to bring back some wine. But then I couldn’t find the keys to our room.

11/23/25

Got TONS of candles coming! I just got a couple from Publix and have 6 more arriving today: Pink Sands, Midnight Jasmine, Café el Fresco, Amber Patchouli, Summer’s Night, Oakmoss Vetiver & Musk, Ocean View Trilogy: Sweet Pea, Driftwood, Rain, and finally, Ocean Blue Mist. They’re from all different brands, some new and some not: Yankee Candle Company, Woodwick, FF Fragrflowing, Tuscany, and Candle Lite. I will definitely back off for a while now that I have enough to last months. Not going to get anymore by Candle Lite. Scents are too mild.

I think I know what’s been making me anxious. I regret the two skips I made of my levo, especially with labs right around the corner. I just don’t know if they’ll be for Rhonda or for a new doctor. It’s the B12 in conjunction with the levo. By itself, the B12 is usually okay, especially in low doses. But mixing it with the levo is like the old days of mixing perimenopause with it.

The Honker took the motorcycle out yesterday, but I don’t think it will wake me up. It definitely is quieter, too. He did go a little faster than usual upon takeoff and revved it slightly when he was between our house and Toni’s, but nothing like the assholes behind him. He came home from the opposite direction.

The way the staff greet you when you enter Walgreens kind of bugs me because I don’t always feel like exchanging greetings with strangers. I’m there to shop, not socialize. They almost make you feel forced to interact with them that way.

Still not sure if I’m going to be able to switch to the mouth mask completely. It has its pros and cons. I don’t know why some people complain about dryness because it seems the opposite with me. It seems like the drool builds up in my mouth as opposed to with the nasal mask when I have my mouth closed tightly and there’s no room for it to do so. It’s also a little trickier to swallow with air blowing in your mouth as opposed to up your nose, too. Plus, it pushes a little against the back of my front teeth and inner lips, though I suppose I may be able to cut some of that back if I used the strap. So I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I think I’ll try to nap with it the next time I need a nap, but fortunately for me, I have okay energy today, even though I was up for 18 hours last night. I even slept with the phone by my bed, so maybe the whole thing about EMFs interfering with sleep is exaggerated. I can’t seem to find any rhyme or reason that depletes my energy or gives me energy. Well, the only thing I can say for sure is that fragmented sleep is a definite killer. The more soundly I sleep, the more likely I am to have energy the next day.

Monday, November 24, 2025

Tom’s out donating this foggy morning, and I’m doing what I do best, which is being fatigued. Thirteen bad days so far this month. That’s just over half a month spent tired. Pretty fucking sad. Yet it’s back and forth and back and forth. I think I’m gonna have to take clonazepam tonight to “reset” things, so to speak. My sleep was very fragmented, and then I woke up a little too soon from a nightmare.

Since Tom read an article claiming that yoga helps with fragmented sleep, I started doing it again. It is sad and even a bit scary just how much flexibility I’ve lost! And my big fat belly doesn’t help. In my 20s, I could have done almost all the poses easily enough. Now, even the simplest ones, like sitting Indian style, are a bit of a challenge because my joints are so stiff and my stomach is huge.

In the nightmare, I was obviously young again. I was attending or working at a school of some kind. There were many foreign teachers there, and for some reason, I consented to having sex after hours with an Indian guy. I saw a foreigner being arrested at one point and asked who it was, wondering if it was the guy I was supposed to have sex with, but it wasn’t. So after school, he and his “assistant,” according to his culture, entered the room. I lay down on the floor, and the assistant took hold of my hands as he hovered above me. The other guy, presumably a teacher of some kind, began to enter me, and I pulled a hand out of the other guy’s grasp and gently pushed back on the guy screwing me, telling him to go slow because it had been a while. Then the guy holding my hands backed off and started complaining about not feeling well or something being uncomfortable. That’s when I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation and called it off. They seemed fine with it at first, but then an intense and palpable anger seemed to fill the room. I rose to my feet and began to gather my stuff, including a piece of paper they had on a table with my address on it. “You don’t need to know where I live,” I said. Then the guy said something threatening, and I said something like, “OK, come to my home and see what happens.” Then I left the room with them following me. The faster I walked, the faster they walked. I began to feel genuine fear then because it seemed the school was deserted. I broke into a run, heading toward a section of hallway where more lights were on, screaming and hoping someone would hear me. That was when I woke up.

Why is it that people only want to befriend me if they’re either crazy or they want something from me? What appeared to be a woman added me on Bluesky, so I followed her back. Then they messaged me, and the first red flag was all the personal questions they would bluntly ask. Then they asked if I thought they were a woman or a man. Next came WhatsApp and Telegram handles I had no interest in, since I don’t use those apps and didn’t see what was wrong with talking right there on Bluesky, especially since we barely knew each other. Finally, the confession came that they were a man who was “borrowing” their friend’s account and “forgot” to change the profile info. Finally sick of wasting my time, I just blocked the fucker. I’m sure they were looking for ways to con money out of me. At least I think that’s what the end game was. I also noticed another account in a different name with similar posts, so I blocked that, too. I should have said I was a guy when they asked if I was a woman or a man. LOL

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Today is an incredibly sad day. Writing is shaky on this bumpy road. Taking Tink now to be euthanized. I’m beyond heartbroken. I’m all for the death penalty, but I can only imagine what the families of those being executed must feel.

Nothing against Chinese folks, but if I had slanted dark eyes, I would really look the part because my eyes are so swollen from crying.

I awoke more tired than the day before, so I was grateful for the nap I took before leaving (her appt was at 4), which helped a bit. I had trouble falling asleep because I was so sad and stressed. My nose was clogged from all the crying, so I decided to try sleeping with the mouth mask. Between the clonazepam and warm almond milk, I would have crashed sooner if not for my nose.

None of the nose plugs appealed to me, so I eventually took medical tape and taped my nose, but I was only able to sleep with it for four hours. I see what they mean when they say it dries your mouth out—especially the inner lips that the silicone rests against. So I switched back to my nasal mask. The drooling was annoying too, with my mouth being half-open. With the nasal mask, my mouth is shut tight, leaving no room for drool to build up.

Now that it’s been a while, I’m going to return the settings to what they recommend and see if I still have mouth farts, although I’m guessing I will. I would still love for the mouth mask to work out somehow, even though it’s not as comfortable or convenient. If not, the mouthpiece is great in case this machine breaks. So I’m going to try a mouth spray AI recommended for dryness. I could breathe great with this thing. If this could be my regular mask, I could always sleep flat and eliminate allergies waking me up. Then I’d just have fragmented sleep at times, along with nightmares and thunderstorms—unless whatever is cursing my sleep added other things to wake me up with. I still want to look into nose surgery and mouth guards, either way.

I posted about Tink on my FB page and the park group. Most of my friends responded, and only a few parkers. Toni was being dropped off on someone’s golf cart as we were leaving, and she gave me her condolences, and the tortoise was taking a nap in front of the lanai.

I just wish rats lived as long as cats and dogs, and that the weather could have been what it will be on Thursday, although it wasn’t too bad. As it is, I’m worried we’re not gonna make it to the charger after she’s gone. I had a feeling after posting in the park group that the Honker might spite me by being annoying. Well, he wasn’t annoying other than a few door slams and honks, but he was more noticeable than I’d like, vacuuming and washing out his truck. He does this sort of thing regularly, though.

If he or Colleen made a cruel remark to the other about Tink, did the other one defend me as Tom would if I were low enough to make fun of someone losing a pet just because I didn’t like them? I doubt it. No one ever defends me.

Speaking of Colleen, I saw her go by the other day, and she wasn’t on the bright green golf cart, but a dark blue one instead.

On the way back:

She’s gone now.

We’re at the charger and will stop at Burger King in half an hour when we’ve got enough juice to go, as neither of us has the energy to cook or even zap anything. We’re both so damn heartbroken.

We first checked in and sat on an uncomfortable bench with her in her little pink carrier between us. She was still being all lovey-dovey, slobbering our fingers, but was definitely out of breath, weak, and tired.

Then we were taken into a tiny room with a metal table, a scale, and a small sink. We met with a young female assistant who gave us a few minutes to say our goodbyes.

Then the doctor came in and said that while there was no wrong option, palliative care was an option with antibiotics for what he suspected was a systemic infection, since her skin was deteriorating badly. As we had already said, we felt it was time. We didn’t see the point in prolonging her suffering when she wouldn’t have lasted more than a few more weeks anyway, and she was at the end of a typical lifespan for a rat. She actually lived a little longer than most of our other rats.

He agreed the tumor was big and pointed out her weight loss and how cancer is such a parasite. Her eyes were also clouding over, signaling that she didn’t have much time left. As we told them, she was still eating but could hardly get around and couldn’t groom herself anymore.

They didn’t want us to be there when they put her down. “You don’t want to see the needle,” the doctor said, and mentioned how they convulse. I’ve seen a video, so I know exactly how it played out. He mentioned the convulsing too, but that’s just a natural muscle reflex.

What I was grateful for was the fact that they gave her gas to put her to sleep before they gave her the injection with what is definitely a huge needle, especially for an animal so small. It broke my heart having to hand her over to strangers, although she didn’t seem to mind because she was such a friendly rat. The girl said something about God having a place for her and that we’d be the last people she saw, but I feel like it was their faces she would last see since she wasn’t asleep yet.

I was a little surprised—not that she wasn’t worth it—that it came to $200. I didn’t think it would be over $100, although it didn’t surprise Tom. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised either, because everything is so damn expensive now.

We declined cremation and ashes. Not sure what the point of that would really be, since once the body dies, that’s it. If she lives on somehow, it isn’t in the body.

It’s hard to see the screen as I write because I have to stop and bawl my eyes out. I haven’t cried this much since Aly died five years ago. In fact, I’m sure I’m crying more now.

We also decided not to take her home with us for a few reasons. First, we’re not sure you can bury an animal in Pasco County, and secondly, being a rural area, we don’t know what animals may dig her up, and it’s very easy to dig here since the ground is like beach sand. Lastly, I’d just want to cry every time I was back there by her grave.

I miss her so, so very much, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over her any more than I’ll ever get over Aly. I don’t know that I’ll ever want another rat again. I feel like I had first best and would only be settling for a second best. Tom said a part of him wanted to go out and get another rat, but he would be tempted to make it like Tinkerbella, and that wouldn’t be fair.

Even though she couldn’t see well, I’m sorry she never got to use the colorful bedding we just got. We also got another twin pack of hammocks. When it comes to wanting/getting rats, it’s one of those spontaneous things. If I ever decide I’m ready for another rat, it will come on suddenly, and I’ll know it for sure. The only thing I fear is ending up disappointed if I do get another rat and it’s not a good one. Not all rats are that loving, friendly, gentle, and sociable. We’ve had a few meanies, although it definitely seems that the females are not only more intelligent but also more likely to be friendly. I think it might also depend on how young they are when you get them and how they’re bred and handled until they’re purchased.

I miss my once-big, soft, cuddly, healthy rat! She hated it when I would overdo the hugging and kissing, but put up with it, lol. I remember how easily she could jump and climb, and how tiny she was when we got her. She was lost in the palm of my small hand. Then one day she surprised us by getting pretty big. She seemed to suddenly grow overnight. I remember the first time she decided I was OK when we brought her home, by jumping onto my chest and climbing onto my shoulder when I would open the top of the first cage she was in. Initially, she was a little shy, and I was worried she would never grow out of it. Fortunately, that shyness didn’t last long.

That rat was the ultimate proof that my mom never truly loved me. Why? Because no matter how many wires she chewed or how many times she peed in the wrong places, I could never in a million years imagine smacking her even gently, let alone with any real strength. True love of any kind does not include violence.

Tom believes that she goes on somehow but says it’s just a gut feeling. He says it’s hard to believe something that friendly and smart could just suddenly be gone. I don’t know what to believe. I just know I’m glad she didn’t suffer in the end and that I will always miss her.

In happier news, I’m amazed at just how much money I’ve been making. Also, I’m surprised that I have decent enough energy today. I slept more soundly, although I did take a couple of Benadryl before bed because my nose was stuffy from all the crying. So I think a lot of my energy issues are in fragmented sleep I often have. I got the CPAP part of it taken care of, and hopefully, the mouth mask will eliminate the allergy aspect of it. That just leaves the frags, and as I said, nightmares and thunderstorms. I sure would love to sleep better more often to get a sense of whether or not I really do have CF.

Thursday, November 27, 2025

I’ve had quite a bit to unpack lately in these journals. I’m really loving writing for myself just like old times. Oh, these entries will still be visible someday, just not for some time to come.

I still hurt over the loss of my Tinky. Tom said he watched some VR videos he shot when she was a baby, wanting to remember her young, healthy, and playful. In my mind’s eye, I see it all. I see her at every stage of her life. My final image of her pains me the most. Handing her to a stranger and seeing her little nose stick up in the air, whiskers twitching, and wondering what the hell was going on, what these strangers were doing to her, and where her mommy and daddy were until she was unconscious, will always haunt me.

So many questions run through my mind. Is there really an afterlife? Does she somehow go on, or is that pure wishful thinking?

I had rat dreams last night, but they weren’t good, and they weren’t of her. I was supposed to be holding a couple of rats for someone until they could get them in a few days. I placed them in a long, skinny duffel bag and took them home, placing the bag down wherever. A few days went by, and I suddenly panicked, realizing that I’d forgotten all about the rats. I was relieved to find they were still alive when I opened the duffel bag. I took them out and gave them food and water. The house I was in looked like our house in Phoenix. I was in the kitchen when out of the corner of my eye I saw them dart across the living room. Realizing they had gotten loose somehow, I went to fetch them. The first one I picked up, however, was all bloated with tumors that appeared to be bleeding. So I rinsed the rat off in the sink and then went to get the other one, only to find the top of its head was hollowed out. Upon closer inspection, I realized its entire body was hollowed out, and I wondered how it could function that way. So yeah, it was a gross and shitty dream.

It’s been a very quiet Thanksgiving. I don’t know if Toni’s gone anywhere, but I think it’s safe to say the Honker is at someone else’s place. His truck has been in his driveway all day, and I don’t see any activity at his place. I wonder if he’s with Colleen. I haven’t seen her come around as much as I used to, so I wonder if they’re not as close, especially if she has another guy.

I take that back. I see the TV on at his place. I suppose he could have slipped out on the golf cart. If Colleen is with him, she didn’t come by car or her own golf cart. Or maybe he sat at home by himself all day, even though that one is hard to believe, as sociable as he is.

Andy reacted with a care emoji to my public post about putting Tink down. I still have mixed emotions about ignoring him, but I still feel that I’m doing the right thing.

Although I do still prefer to eat as healthily as I can most of the time, I need variety every now and then, and since healthy eating doesn’t seem to do anything for my weight, cholesterol, or anything else — at least not much — I got myself a 42-piece snack pack from Walmart with our last grocery order. I’m doing a better job of making it last than I thought I would. Maybe that’s because most of the snacks are just okay and not totally awesome. I’ve got more salty stuff than sweet stuff, too.

Deciding to cash out my points on Ambetter, knowing I wouldn’t earn many more in just a month, I had to choose between an LED tooth whitening kit and a variety of six different bags of Amish-grown popcorn kernels. This kit comes with buttery salt. I decided to go with the popcorn, and I’ll buy myself the tooth whitening kit at some point. I found the same one on Amazon. They have the popcorn too. The popcorn packs tend to be a little more expensive, so that’s why I decided to let my insurance company cover that, LOL.

It’s mind-boggling to know that since the 24th, I’ve been making $15 or more a day. Since then, I’ve made roughly $70! I really hope these AI jobs last! But I’ve lived long enough to know that all good things do come to an end. My favorites are the $5 15-minute jobs where I choose the best images, video clips, or audio clips.

So since the money has been coming in faster than usual, I decided to get myself a couple of candle-warming lamps. I’m having a problem with tunneling, and I figure this way it will be safer. I’ll put one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen. From what I learned from AI, the negative is that it may not throw the scent out as much, but the positive is that it will last longer.

Later…

I’m still undecided as to whether or not the afterlife exists. There’s the scientific part of me that warns against believing in what I can’t see or prove. But then what about all the stories? Can they all be delusional? Can they all be dreams? Can they all be liars out for attention? I don’t know. I’ve heard some pretty compelling stories from both psychics and non-psychics.

But let’s say there was an afterlife. If I could choose what kind of afterlife I had, first and foremost, I would never want to feel any negative emotions or physical pain, or fatigue. I’d want to feel great—awake, alert, happy, content, calm, and at peace. I’d want every single thing I ever wondered about answered, whether it was something trivial or not. I’d want to do things I didn’t get to do in this life. I wouldn’t mind going on a helicopter ride, but I don’t see myself doing that in this life, so it would be nice to do it in the afterlife. I’d want to live in my perfect dream house and be surrounded by every person and pet I ever cared about. I’d want my husband by my side forever, and I’d want to see our Tinkerbella and other pets. I’d want to meet Aly, since we didn’t get to do so before she died. I’d want to see my friends and to meet cyber friends I’ll never meet in person.

Friday, November 28, 2025

I’m tired today, and the gummies aren’t saving me or perking me up. My stomach got gassy in my sleep again, then my arm fell asleep because I’m so fucking fat, and my sleep was a bit fraggy. I had trouble breathing at one point too, and was surprised to learn just now that a stuffy nose can be as common as a dry mouth with CPAPs. I didn’t know this! Still hoping the oral mask will work out. The mouth spray is coming tomorrow.

I’m also getting another candle, not only to replace one that’s about to be used up but to see what happens to the wick when placed on the warmer. This way, I’ll know if I still need to designate candles for outages that have never been warmed. Ordered Warm Apple Pie. It’s a Mainstays candle. I’ve had four Mainstays candles, and they’ve never let me down yet.

For my birthday, Tom got me the LED tooth whitening kit that I saw on Ambetter. So I’ve got that to look forward to, along with the popcorn variety pack and the candle lamp warmers, which should come tomorrow.

So Swell is shutting down. I don’t know why, but I’m guessing it’s monetary issues. I’ll kind of miss it, but I feel worse for Todd than I do for me because he was into the app a lot more than I was. Guess I won’t have to complain about those unwanted invites anymore. Even so, I’m going to do a search for us for the next best thing. I really like the idea of vocal journaling. The problem is that most of the apps I found are for dating or meeting people in person. Lots of videos too. I just want to find something where you can talk about whatever, whenever, and it doesn’t have to be part of a group chat or involve meeting in person. I’m spoken for, and Todd likes being single, so why do we need to meet anyone?

Right now, Gemini can see the webpage I’m working on, but not Word documents. So instead of opening stories in Word, I opened some that I have online and told it to give me a list of names it finds in the stories, and it does a pretty good job. It doesn’t find every single one, but it finds most of them. This way, I can have one huge character roster so I don’t use the same names. As it is, I’ve got two Agent Fergusons, so I guess I’ll change one of them in one of the stories, lol.

Tom is going to try Meta Plus. He says there’s a big enough catalog now to make it worth checking out. I guess they shuffle around the games.

We’re almost certainly going to change insurance plans for me. We’d really like a PPO, but they’re too expensive. If they were more affordable, then I could get Galileo again, but I’m probably going to have to go with an HMO and have the hassle of starting over with a new PC, but this plan will have a bigger network of doctors.

Anyway, I may not have quite as much fatigue as I was having, but it’s still bad enough, and I think it’s a damn shame that people can’t opt to be euthanized as well as animals when they’re suffering. Especially if it’s something that can’t be cured. Some places in Europe let you do voluntary euthanization, but not in the US unless you’re in a state with Death with Dignity and you’re terminally ill. No place in the US gives a shit about those who suffer regularly but aren’t terminally ill. I could consider starting or signing a petition, but I know all too good and well that politicians only give a shit about themselves, not the people.

Now for my weird news. Yesterday I again prayed to Tinkerbella, asking that if she’s out there somehow and if she somehow goes on and can hear me, to please come to me in my dreams. Please give me a sign that she goes on and she’s okay, etc. Well, I did see her in my dreams! I don’t know if it counts, though, because I barely remember it and it was so vague. It was something about me showing someone a neat trick that she could perform.

Then a couple of weird things happened while I was awake, but there may very well be totally logical explanations for them, especially what I saw in the bathroom. I noticed a piece of her paper bedding on the bathroom mat. The place hasn’t been vacuumed yet, and I could have very well tracked it in there, but what happened in the closet was definitely a little stranger.

The closet was our main hangout because the little devil loved to chew wires. Hey, she was a rodent. I’ll have to ask one of my online besties for her opinion because she’s a different kind of psychic than I am, but here goes.

I’m the most observant person I know. I rarely miss a thing. So when I stepped into the closet today to find a ribbon with a little flower attached to it lying on the floor, I was a little surprised. This was tied to my black ballerina doll’s wrist. So if it had fallen onto the shelf when I moved her off the shelf as I did quite a while ago, why didn’t I notice it sitting on the shelf? The shelf is made of wire and is not solid. And what would have suddenly knocked it onto the floor?

I was in that area adding essential oil to the diffuser that’s sitting in there, but if it fell to the floor when I was in there, why didn’t I notice it then? I thought I had this pretty securely around the doll’s wrist, too. Even so, I suppose it could have fallen onto one of the objects directly below the shelf, but again, for a pretty observant person, why didn’t I notice or notice it falling to the floor?

I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a sign from Tinkerbella, but I don’t know. It may have had a perfectly reasonable explanation for all I know, but it definitely made me wonder. Enough to ask the expert on the ghosts of the dead about it!

Sunday, November 30, 2025

I’m utterly exhausted now, so I’m trying to catch up. The following was written last night.

Random reels are shown to us on Facebook, and one of them, right in front of my face, was this psychic medium saying that the places we go when we die aren’t anything you can find on a map, but other dimensions that overlap with ours, which is how the dead can sometimes get through to us.

I still don’t know what I believe, but I got some pretty fascinating suggestions after I asked ChatGPT: If the spirits of the deceased are in another dimension, how can they give signs that they go on, like moving objects or visiting us in dreams?

Chat responded with: The idea that spirits of the deceased might exist in another dimension or realm—and yet still interact with our world through signs, dreams, or moving objects—is a deeply fascinating topic that blends spirituality, metaphysics, and even some interpretations of physics. Here are some perspectives that attempt to explain how this could happen, depending on the framework you’re considering:

Spiritual/Metaphysical Perspectives

Many traditions and belief systems propose that consciousness or the “soul” is not bound by the physical laws of our universe. Here’s how they might explain these phenomena:

A. Interdimensional or Non-Physical Existence

Higher Dimensions: Some spiritual traditions (e.g., certain interpretations of Hinduism, Buddhism, or New Age thought) suggest that spirits exist in a “higher” or “subtler” dimension where time and space operate differently. In this view, our 3D/4D reality is just one “layer” of existence, and spirits can “step in” or influence it in subtle ways.

Example: Just as a 2D being (like a flat character in a drawing) might perceive a 3D object as appearing/disappearing mysteriously, spirits in higher dimensions could interact with our world in ways we can’t fully explain.

Energy or Vibration: Some theories propose that spirits are made of energy or exist at a different vibrational frequency. If they can “lower” their vibration, they might briefly interact with our physical world (e.g., moving objects via energy manipulation or appearing in dreams where the “veil” between dimensions is thinner).

Example: Poltergeist activity is sometimes attributed to spirits manipulating energy to move objects.

B. The “Veil” Between Worlds

Many cultures describe a “veil” or barrier between the living and the dead (e.g., the Celtic “Otherworld,” the Greek “River Styx,” or the Tibetan Buddhist “Bardo”). This veil is said to be thinner during certain times (e.g., Samhain, Day of the Dead, or during sleep/dreams), allowing spirits to communicate more easily.

Dreams: In this view, dreams are a natural “bridge” where the conscious mind is relaxed, and the subconscious (or spirit) can receive messages. Spirits might use this state to send symbols, emotions, or even appear as visions.

Signs: Spirits might manipulate energy or synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) to send messages. For example, seeing a specific animal, hearing a song, or finding an object in an unusual place could be a deliberate “nudge” from a spirit.

C. Collective Unconscious or Psychic Connection

Some theories (like those of Carl Jung) suggest that all humans are connected through a “collective unconscious,” a shared psychic space where archetypes and symbols reside. Spirits might tap into this to communicate, especially with loved ones who are emotionally or psychically attuned to them.

Example: A grieving person might dream of their deceased loved one because their mind is “open” to receiving messages from the collective unconscious.

1. Scientific or Theoretical Physics Perspectives

While mainstream science doesn’t support the existence of spirits, some fringe theories or interpretations of physics attempt to explain how non-physical entities might interact with our world:

A. Quantum Mechanics and Observer Effect

Some interpretations of quantum mechanics (e.g., the “observer effect”) suggest that consciousness can influence reality at a subatomic level. If spirits are a form of consciousness, they might theoretically interact with quantum fields to create “signs.”

Example: A spirit could “collapse the wave function” of a particle to move an object (though this is purely speculative and not supported by evidence).

B. Holographic Universe Theory

This theory proposes that our 3D universe is a “projection” of information encoded on a 2D surface (like a hologram). If true, spirits might exist as “information” or patterns in this higher-dimensional space and occasionally “leak” into our reality.

Example: A dream or vision could be a “glitch” in the hologram where the spirit’s information briefly overlaps with ours.

C. Multiverse or Parallel Dimensions

Some theories (like string theory or the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics) suggest that multiple dimensions or parallel universes exist alongside ours. Spirits could exist in one of these dimensions and occasionally cross over.

Example: A spirit might “phase” into our dimension briefly, like a radio tuning into a different frequency.

---

When it mentioned signs and dreams, I was like, wow! I couldn’t help but think of more than just the Tink dream, but also my dead dad telling me Mom understands if I can’t forgive her, Nana telling me in the 90s to pick other dreams and goals after hopelessly trying to conceive, and then my foster mom showing up in dreams all of a sudden, and then learning she’d recently died. I didn’t even know she was dead yet, so it couldn’t have been a case of my grieving mind conjuring her up in my subconscious. Then there was Tinkerboy’s strange behavior around that time, freakinig out as if he too sensed her presence, and other things.

I’ve always loved a good mystery to ponder, analyze, and wonder about — even the ones that frustrate me because I can never be certain of what’s what. When I filled a friend in, she said she wasn’t sure about the dreams because she too, has dreams about people and pets that have passed but would consider the bedding and ribbon more as signs.

The thing about my dreams, however, is that this was the first good Tink dream. I have no control over the dreams. I can’t make myself dream about what I want to dream about. Believe me, no one wants to have 98% of the dreams I have. As I said, it was the first good dream of her. In other dreams I’ve had of her, I usually put her outdoors for some crazy reason, and then when I go to check on her after stepping away, also for some crazy reason, she’s gone when I get back. Plus, there’s the timing.

I’ll never know for sure, though. Maybe there’s a logical explanation to the bedding and the ribbon, and maybe the dream was just a dream, but it definitely makes me wonder. Especially since a few people I didn’t even know were dead yet have popped into my thoughts or dreams at random, and then I would look them up to find they’d recently died.

Later…

Weird has totally gotten way weirder around here. Twice more, I found pieces of Tinkerbella’s old bedding on the bathroom floor. Again, I racked my brains trying to retrace my steps and ask myself if there could be a logical explanation for it. Not seeing how I could have tracked them in and knowing that I would have noticed them before, I’m definitely beginning to wonder if there’s something to this “other side” after all. I’m not 100 percent convinced, as there are just some things we can’t know for sure and get a definitive answer about, but I’m definitely wondering. Like, really, seriously wondering. As a friend said, if it makes you feel good, who cares? It definitely made me feel both surprised and good to find the bedding pieces, and it seems to go beyond pure wishful thinking. I vacuumed thoroughly a little while ago, and will see if anything else shows up.

I’m absolutely batshit exhausted today. Nearly every single fucking time I sleep, something wakes me up—nightmares, digestive issues, my arm falling asleep, allergies, etc. I still feel like something is cursing my sleep and using my own damn body against me, since it’s quiet here and it can’t use outside sources.

I got the mouth spray and I’m going to try the oral mask again. I also spread the swimming nose pinchers apart far enough to make them not so agonizingly tight. Really hope I can get this to work, even if it wouldn’t be as convenient. If I suddenly wanted to ask Alexa something, I couldn’t, or take a sip of water, and things like that. It won’t be a convenient mask to get in and out of, but if it’s going to bypass my nasal allergies and allow me not to suffocate awake in my sleep, then so be it. At least it would be easier to clean. Tom also wouldn’t have to worry about strong cooking odors waking me up. Damn me for being the lightest sleeper on Earth!

Meanwhile, again I prayed to Tink not only for these signs I’m totally loving, but I asked that she influence my sleep in a good way if it was possible for her to do so, being sure to let her know that if she couldn’t, I’ll always love her just the same.

If my sleep remains cursed, well, I’ve decided that “chipmunks” are the lesser evil as opposed to being suffocated awake. Therefore, I’m going to increase the pressure to the recommended settings and stick with the nasal mask until and if I can get nasal valve surgery, a mouth guard, or both.

I was surprised to get a little birthday present from my GYN whom I haven’t seen in a couple of years. LOL. Apparently, we overpaid them, so I got a check for $95.

I gave Tom a little money and he got himself a new battery for my old Mac laptop to do some coding on.

I ordered two pink tulip candle lamp warmers that came today (one for the kitchen and one for the bedroom), and they’re way better than flames! I had a few candles I could barely smell, but with this, I can actually smell them. I love how I can control the intensity of the light/heat, and can also set a timer.​​​​​​​