I’ve survived the day alone. Mostly. I say mostly as the intrusive thoughts are real. It’s amazing how much I can overthink when left alone with my thoughts. It’s somewhat super frustrating. I keep trying to reframe it but it just continues to slip back to whatever negative thought is front and center at that moment.
I managed to sleep until 1:30 this afternoon. I went to bed at like 8:30 p.m. and was us at 4 for awhile. Dozed back off and was up at 10 listening to the dog bark and making him come inside. My amazing neighbor - note the sarcasm - was aimlessly snowblowing basically to just piss the dog off. Of course, it was working. I genuinely have some of the crappiest neighbors ever. Fed him and went back to bed managing to sleep until 1:30. I haven’t slept that long in ages so it was great. Now I’m just waiting to go back to sleep.
Had lunch with Tom when I got up as he was driving through town and I’d told him I’d buy him a birthday meal the other day. We talked about Grace some and the fact her “mom” got mad at her and blocked her on everything. I’m sad for her. We don’t block our 15 year olds because they make us mad. That’s what they do. I reminded him he’s got to get her a Christmas and Birthday gift this year - he still hadn’t even looked at the list she sent both of us. Ugh. She already plans to be let down. He isn’t making me think she’s wrong. He’s a decent guy and friend. Yet, he’s a shitty dad and boyfriend when it comes to anything “extra” beyond the basic needs. Grace called while we ate and told me the idiotic mom blocking story herself too. I feel for her. It’s like I’m just left here coparenting a child that isn’t even actually mine.
I feel ginormous and hugely obese. I do NOT understand why. I haven’t really changed my diet or lack of exercise routine. Yet, I feel like I’m just gaining weight and looking like a beached whale. Like when a can of biscuits explodes. Yuck. This is one of those intrusive thoughts. It’s not THAT bad in reality but it’s not THAT good either. I have gained a few pounds. I am bloated. My mind gets angry and wants to just starve myself but even that isn’t working lately. I lose 3 pounds just to gain 5 pounds the next time I eat. I’m frustrated. I hate it. I feel gross. I then get stressed that nobody will like me. That Nick will break up with the fat girl. Hell, I can’t even like myself when I get like this. It’s ugly. So, I need to do something.
I think tomorrow I’ll go buy some almond milk and resume protein shakes twice a day. I know not eating can cause weight gain too. Ugh. Protein shakes and meat. I NEED to loose 15 pounds to not feel gross. Ideally, 20 pounds to feel my best. I’m short. Any weight on me is a lot. So, yeah. I’m going to hit the store and get healthy options for this week. Ideally, the next few weeks.
We leave for Vegas in like 25 days and if I still feel like this I’ll be miserable the whole time. So, if I can even just lose 8 pounds before then I’ll be doing better. I just. I don’t know. When I get like this I literally feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. Nothing makes me happy. The thought of food repulses me. Eventually I’m starving though and then eat more than I should. Just to then be angry at myself and feeling huge. Over and over again. I hate it. I will be down weight by next Friday. At least 2 pounds. Protein shakes, meat and a ton of water. No excess carbs. No soda. No excess sugar. I’m doing this. I just need these thoughts to go away and to feel better.
I’ve been obsessing over my lips lately too. Ugh. My body image issues are real I guess. It’s been 6 months so I got filler done and they say you’ll need to repeat every 6-12 months to keep them full. Of course I hit month 6 and start stressing that maybe they aren’t as full or pretty. Repeatedly having to talk myself out of going to do more like yesterday. I don’t have the hundreds to blow right now. They’re fine. I know they are. It’s in my head. But boy is it REALLY in my head. What will I obsess over next?
Haven’t really heard from Nick much today. I’m slightly annoyed with that too. He’s got the kids. I get it. He’s busy. But taking some time out of his day to talk to me wouldn’t kill him. He could easily call for a few minutes or text a little more. I go straight to the fact he’s liking me less or something. Is that true? Probably not but it’s where I’m at. He hasn’t called since he got the girls Wednesday evening. It’s Saturday. This is the longest I’ve ever went without a call. I love that he’s such a hands on dad and with them constantly. I need more though and a little reassurance too I guess. I haven’t commented on it and have just let the messages be whatever. That’s progress in my anxious attachment style brain. In the past, I’d of been blowing up a phone trying to ease myself & my overthinking. Now I’m at least somewhat self soothing. I still think he could have called at some point though. If even only for a second. We will see I guess. I feel like the only thing silence accomplishes is showing me I CAN live without him. Good for me I guess. Bad for him if he does truly like me and want more. My patience for more is starting to go away, that’s for sure.
That’s about it. I suppose I’ll go waddle myself to bed and try not to cry over the fact I feel so freaking fat & disgusting. Maybe sleep another day away so I’m not stuck with my endless thoughts. Sounds like a decent escape plan.
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