sense of control in 2014

12:06pm

I always feel like a major bum when I come home from a big trip and need all this time to recuperate. I mean I know why I need it; too much socializing, too many people around, no quiet time, etc. Some people don’t seem to get this “introvert” thing, but the more I read about it, the more it completely makes sense. I’ve always been this way. I didn’t know other people were like this too. It always just seemed like some kind of fault I had, or my anti-social nature. Guess it’s not that negative after-all. :-)

Unfortunately for my sanity, I’m leaving on another trip in less than two weeks. The kind that involves four days of class sessions and having to take in a ton of information very quickly. My brain is already panic-y about it. This season just seems like it’s going to be pretty tough and it’s quickly approaching. Not looking forward to that.

The other half of the trip will involve a family reunion. Last year we got together with my maternal grandfather’s side of the family and this year it’ll be my maternal grandmother’s side. Most of them haven’t seen each other since they were kids. There’s only one uncle left (I think) and he just turned 90, so it’ll be really great to get as many people together as possible and share stories.

It’s always bothered me how little I know about my own family. I mean I lost so many of them at such a young age that there hasn’t been much of an oral tradition passed down. That’s the one thing I missed as a kid. It always fascinates me when people start telling stories about their grandparents. Like people actually have those?! =P

I still have to write about my last week or so in Seattle. I’m not sure I posted that other entry. I’ll have to go back and check.

I really need to do something about getting back in control of my life. I’ve felt so out of it lately. Like things aren’t quite right and I can’t seem to fix it. I’m starting to think it’s a lack of control. There’s nothing that I do that really involves much of anything. I want to be in charge. To think of nothing else but the task at hand. Work on some self-control and feel the sense of accomplishment afterwards. That sounds so nice right now, even if I don’t understand why.

It’s time for projects, or a cleanup, or something. Fall cleaning? That could be a thing. Right at this minute I just kinda want to get rid of everything though. Like the way I’ve been thinking about deleting Ck’s texts from my phone. No offense to the kid, but I’m trying to move away from all that.

The tough part is that every time I’ve tried in the past, it’s only lasted for a couple months and then he suddenly appears out of nowhere again. The world’s conspiring against me so that it’s impossible to let go. I’ve already done the “reading too much into that” thing and maybe now it’s just time to try a little harder.

I hadn’t really considered the fact that I’ve made all the moves. That’s so unlike me. And I’m not even talking about romantic kinda moves, just the ones where I’m trying to be his friend. I mean we have a ton in common, he’s easy to talk to, and he drinks beer! Perfect recipe for a great friend, dontcha think?

Marie and I talked about it a bunch. You know, because I’m that annoying girl who kept starting every other sentence with, “my friend Ck.....” Only because he’s the only person I’ve really been talking to lately and he does do some cool things [like manufacture his own steel truck beds - start to finish].

But I started to notice that, even in my mostly tipsy state, I kept uttering the words, “I don’t want to have to chase someone for the rest of my life.” It’s not something that hasn’t crossed my mind before, but it was always just one of those fleeting thoughts I’d ignore. Now it’s starting to mean more than that. I really don’t want to do that.

That sounds like one of the worst things in the world; chasing after someone who doesn’t really care to chase you back.

And I don’t need to be the one that’s always chased. Trust me, I’m willing to be caught by the right person, but there’s certainly got to be some give and take. It’s part of the reason I don’t have a ton of friends. I hate those one-sided friendships. All give and no opportunity to take.

Oh well. It would be easier if I could find someone to move onto. Going back to nothing is probably the part that convinces me to keep trying.

Silly stream of consciousness: always leading me down these paths. =|

Time to go. I’m going to work on this project thing and I should probably start with unpacking the rest of my bags and cleaning up my bedroom floor.

rose.
2:36pm

Last updated November 30, 2014