If you haven’t read the previous entry, start there. This won’t make much sense otherwise. This is probably more for posterity anyway, as it is just more information regarding Ryoko & that situation I wrote about.
Note: The following messages are from Ryoko. They are the only conversation we have ever had regarding the year I tried to commit suicide. Ryoko was my roommate that year. Up to the end of junior year, we were as close as sisters, inseparable…We had become fast friends after freshman year, after an odd interaction in the dining hall one day. I remember I was wearing large hoop earrings and I kept feeling something graze my face. I looked up and realized this small, strange, beautiful Asian girl was aiming grapes at my head, trying to get them through my hoop earrings. I mean, how could I not be friends with someone like that? We were friends, then roommates. Unfortunately, in April of our junior year, she began to experience mental health issues after her boyfriend broke up with her and began to distance herself from me, as my mental health issues had become overwhelming for her in her current state.
With the loss of her friendship, I felt a complete loss of identity and the situation rapidly devolved…culminating in a suicide attempt my junior year. I actually tried to end my life while she was sleeping in the room we shared…much like Seymour Glass did to his wife in the Salinger story A Perfect Day for Bananafish…only I used pills and a razor, instead of a gun. She woke up, didn’t understand my suicide note & left me there.
After the pills set in, most of that day is a blur….mental scraps. From what I’m told, Ryoko went over to the music building to attend a recital and told my friends that I had left this weird note & was not really responsive when she looked at me. She just felt I was doing my normal acting out. My friend, Jill, screamed at her, “you just left her?!” and raced to my apartment. Jill, a volunteer firefighter, heard my address come on her scanner before she even got to my apartment. Paramedics were already there by the time Jill got there, because Beth had already called 911. Beth rode in the ambulance with me, but I was mostly non-responsive at this point. I do remember that my last words to Beth were that I didn’t want my parents to find out. She yelled, “Roxy, I’ve got news! Your parents are going to fucking find out!” After that, I was mostly quiet.
By the time we got to the ER, most of my friends were already there, somehow. Except Ryoko. Ryoko showed up an hour or two after everyone, having stopped to get food & homework. In the waiting room, she received an icy response from my friends who were upset with her over the fact she had ceased to be friends with me in the first place, that she had left me upon discovering me, that she had stopped to get food/books when they did not know if I was going to be ok…I told them to be nice to her. Beth was the only one that stood up for her…to me, in fact…”Did you think for a minute what you would have done to that girl if she had woken up and you were just fucking dead, Rox?!” My friends flooded the ER waiting room that night. The next day they overwhelmed the ICU…all sitting bedside at night. They took rotations visiting me in the psych ward…but Ryoko never came to visit me after the initial night in the ER…telling our mutual friends she was “too busy.” When I got out of the psych ward, my side of the room was trashed from parties she had thrown…beer bottles on my bed…on my desk. I was crushed and angry. I realize now that she made a lot of these choices because she couldn’t face me, my friends….but mostly, I think she couldn’t face herself.
So, after a couple days, I moved in with my professor and his wife for the summer & into a different apartment the following fall. We saw each other one night & hung out, but then didn’t hang out again at college. After college, we tried to keep in touch. We wrote some letters, sent packages for birthdays for a couple years & I saw her once after moving home when she was passing through a nearby city…and that was that…till I received these fb messages about a year ago in response to a fb post I had written about my suicide attempt. I remember reading it and feeling so ashamed that my choice had had such negative and lasting implications on those around me from that time.
5/4/18, 9:24 pm
From Ryoko to me:
That post you wrote was beautiful. [in reference to a fb post about suicide attempt] I do look back to my college days and quickly block them all out because of that particular memory. I remembered a few people who blatantly told me that I basically killed you, and felt the entire world pointed fingers at me saying “She almost killed Roxy.” I felt that I no longer belonged in the group of friends I once had, and remembered changing group of friends to people I didn’t really know. I look at some of the friends that we mutually shared and the first thing that comes to my mind is “they all hate me.” I don’t talk about college days, and I tell people I’d rather not talk about it because of all that happened. I still think of you as a closest friend I had in college and I wish it ended other ways. I’m really glad that you see many many beauties in the world, and that the world is giving you so much joy that you can appreciate. I do hope that you know, that despite our past, you are one of the very few things I talk about or think about, when I do think about college.
5/4/18, 11:06 PM
From me to Ryoko:
Thank you for your message. I know it changes nothing, but I still have a lot of guilt regarding that time period. I know that I did a horrible thing to people I loved, such as yourself. The destructive things I did to myself ended up having negative consequences for other people in my life….and that is something I am still truly sorry for. Like I said, I know it doesn’t change anything, but I just want you to know that I recognize I did a horrible thing to you and I’m still sorry. When I look back, it strikes me: we were just kids, ya know? And I was a dumb kid with a mental illness, poor decision making skills and access to alcohol. (Gee, what could go wrong?! Lol.) I am sorry people blamed you. That wasn’t fair. I think it was probably easier to make you the bad guy than to admit their friend (me) was as sick as she was. I’m sorry. I hope that eventually it’s not so painful to revisit your college years….Because I would hate for you to lose the good stuff, too. I think about all the funny and stupid memories from those times and all I can do is be ridiculously grateful for them because I know how lucky I am to have had those experiences and to have had those amazing people in my life..you included. I hope, if nothing else, you can find a way to make something good out of the otherwise fucked up situation that I (regretfully) put you in. You have always been a strong person so I have no doubt that you will grow a garden out of all that bullshit. I think about you fondly often and remember our inside jokes still. I am thankful for your friendship during what was a really difficult year for both of us. You are such a good person and I hope that you have so much joy and love in your life now. Hugs.
5/5/18, 2:09 AM
From Ryoko to me:
Thank you for such kind words. It made me a little teary. I think college, well, particularly majoring in music in college was stressful. Always feeling like someone is judging you, always beating yourself up, always feeling like you are not good enough, always feeling bad or guilty, and feeling like being talked behind your back all the time. There are a lot of fun memories that I think back on, a lot of it always had you in it. Not everything was difficult and bad, but I guess I never really tried to recover what was damaged, so I graduated thinking, “screw it all.” I have a high school student that had her two closest friends, who all don’t talk to each other anymore and she’s about to graduate. That made me look back to college, and I encourage her to at least try and do something about it as I don’t want her to have a regretful past like mine. After college, I got in a couple of unhealthy relationships, got lost on my career paths and started to believe that I was just a terrible person with no brain, heart, or skillset of sort, and was deserving of all the pain. I started allowing people into manipulating me and making me think less of myself, and because of the pain, I hurt ones you are most closest to. Someone once told me, “hurt people hurt people.” I let other people who are in pain use me as a punching bag, and I also was doing the same to those that were around for me . It was a vicious cycle, deriving from my own weaknesses. I’m starting to realize these things and make more conscious effort to do something good and positive but, negativity is in my nature and it’s not always easy. What we went through in college did help me understand a lot about people, and I think sometimes, it benefits me as I work with kids. I do have to consciously think about happy, healthy choices but, I do think of you frequently and hope that you are out there in the world making everyone laugh, as you laugh at yourself for how funny and smart ass you are
11/9/18, 1:56 AM
From Ryoko to me:
Roxy, I have always loved the way you wrote do flawlessly. I dislike reading long writings, but your writings always sucked me in, and made me want to re-read it over and over. I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you when life was rough. I don’t mean to sound condescending but you are one tough, strong, brave soul to go through everything you’ve been through. I know the post was meant for Alex [reference to a fb post I wrote about Alex & our failed marriage on the date of our anniversary], but thank you for sharing.
11/9/18, 10:22 PM
From me to Ryoko:
Aw, thanks, RyoGrand. (Hehe.) This was such a sweet message to wake up to! You have nothing to be sorry for–you were a wonderful friend to me…and even though there were tough times, I am grateful. I learned just who I am as a person loving another…and that’s nothing to sneeze at, so to speak. I hope all is well in your life and that you are happy or working towards it, at least. I actually was talking about you the other day–talking about that time we taught that stupid animal lesson plan…and your tape machine ate the Carnival of Animals tape after you assured me it wouldn’t…HAHAHA Then that 1st grader busted out crying, “My guinea pig just died.” My co-workers were cracking up at us. Anyway–thank you for the nice message, so good to hear from you.
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