i. You push me up against the door,
and fumble with your pants
Even though the heat
is unmerciful in the room,
my teeth chatter in fear
I hate that this is what
they’ve chosen to do
instead of bite
ii. My fingers alternate
between clenching
and fanning out
as I gasp for air
around you
A hand held up
with fingers splayed
is the universal sign
for saying stop
In this situation,
as if it could mean anything
but
iii. Bee stung lips
papercut corners
of my stretched
out mouth
You promise not to tell
my mother what I did,
so that I don’t get in trouble
I feel obligated to thank you
Of all the things
you’ve forced me to do
Being grateful to you
is the one I resent the most
iv. I cry more than usual
the day your friend
joins in. He points out
my nose is running
and you both laugh
at how disgusting it is-
after taking turns,
trashing my body like
two wasted rock stars
thrashing around
a too-small hotel room
v. After you are done with me, I redress
and return to playing on the swing set by myself
My mother is in the house making cookies
for my dad to take to work, unaware
And I am trying to find new ways to be ok
by lying on my belly on the swing, twisting, twisting
the chains rubbing together like the legs of a metal cricket
till you drive by, throw pocket change at me and smirk
You continue this habit for a year, a penny here, a nickel there
if we looked at the sum total of what you paid me for my body
my innocence cost very little in the end,
I could buy a candy bar perhaps,
but not even a loaf of bread
SONG CHOICE: CLIMBING UP THE WALLS-COVER BY SARAH SLEAN
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