I never felt much difference between dreaming and meditation. I’ve had the same experiences in both, or either.
Today, though, was the first time that I went consciously from lucid dreaming, to awake, to dreaming-awake, to awake again, and to meditation, all while connected to the same dream.
I’m still vibing with it. For me, dreaming is a whole-body experience. I feel my body, muscles, skin, the heat, the cold, the subtle play of fingertips and fabrics. I even have thoughts, questions, conversations, and relationships. It’s not at all like a hazy, foggy experience; I experience everything with lucid clarity. And I remember quite a lot of it.
I smile in fondness and the feeling that has been absorbed into my body- like a steamy-warm towel draped across me.
I first met him at some kind of a Christian camp- we were out in the woods with probably 200 or so other people, comprised of many older children, tweens and their families. He was alone, as in he had no family with him, and so was I. I, being somewhat attached to the group of my own peer aged boys I’d come with and their families, was reluctant to ditch them for this stranger. There was no love between me and my familiar peers, but there was a certain comfort of familiarity in the mutual tolerance.
So, after he’d proven his good character and intentions, I acquiesced. I’m not actually sure who pursued who or who acquiesced. I felt interested in his independence and ability to seamlessly and easefully meld into any group; including the one I’d tagged along with. I watched him act like instant old friends with boys that I knew to be particularly aggressive, and felt wonder. I knew they didn’t know him. Then he’d seemingly wander off to some other group, and again, be accepted there, too, as if he’d been there all along.
I, a social outcast, was truly fascinated. He did this on the fly; never speaking of it or acknowledging that it was any great feat. It seems almost an afterthought. Like breathing.
He was also very chatty. He talked almost non-stop. About everything. Perpetually cheerful, and not in an I want to be accepted in an attention seeking way. When I spoke, he shut right up and listened as if my few and sparse words were gems set in gold, but ephemeral, so he ought listen now. I felt impressed upon by him. I thought to myself about him; “I am attracted to him, but I don’t know why,” and in confusion, “he doesn’t have a very handsome face; it’s round and his hair is in an unattractive cut, and he wears old clothes.”
Some time later. I am in a garage with a few of the same friends- they are hoisting a car to fix something on it. It’s old, old, ratty car. But it is a car, and apparently does drive. My situation is much the same- we are all a bit older into our tweens (maybe early twenties) and the boys/young men I am with are merely more tolerable than the alternatives. The tall one, E, brought me here because he intended to help another friend fix the car.
The friend who’s car needed fixing emerged from the door to the small, cheap, seafoam green vinyl house. I was astonished that it was the same boy whom I’d met at the camp. I felt something stir deep within me; light up, come alive, and take notice and interest.
Also, I was confused and couldn’t explain what was happening. He glanced at me, and I saw his face light up, but he also seemed to sympathize with my inner turmoil, and left me alone for awhile. I watched them hoist the car, take the oil pan off and make a big mess of all the oil. They had all the tools for the job- the young man who’s name I didn’t even know proved to be an excellent mechanic. I watched with distracted interest.
“He’s not very tall- not even as tall as E’s little brothers- and he isn’t really even muscular. He’s just sort of ‘a guy’; he looked and seemed eminently average in every way. And yet, I felt this inexplicable aliveness* around him. He evoked something in me that I struggled to articulate or know at all.
We stood in the middle of the garage, taking a break from fixing the car since it needed some part that someone would have to run to the store for. E joked that they should just buy another car- it might not be worth the part to fix this one! I was feeling despondent. I didn’t even have a car- at least not one that worked. E’s two younger companions/siblings were goofing off in that immature way that young males do, and suddenly their shenanigans spilled over to me.
One, then the other grabbed my oversized T-shirt that was, thankfully, the outer layer of another shirt providing more appropriate coverage. I felt embarrassed and upset- to be in the middle of a tug-of-war between two teens in front of two older young men. It was upsetting and I asked them to please stop, but they didn’t.
I don’t even know how he did it, but the new, not-new nameless average guy stepped in and the two stopped pulling on my shirt and messing with me. I was sweating and uncomfortable from the exertion of resisting them, and still upset and embarrassed. “You look hot” he said to me, and I knew he meant “heated”, because even as he said it, I felt the discomfort of heat rising in my chest and reddening my face. “Come over here, and dance.” he invited.
It was such an off the wall request that I didn’t think I’d heard him right. But no, he extended his hand for me to put mine in. I did, and he led me to a clear area where the wind was blowing and it was deliciously cool on my face and arms. Then he quite assertively turned me toward him and embraced me with a dancer’s guiding pose. I felt like I was floating as he entirely led me dancing. Well, at first I felt like my feet were stuck one in front of the other, and then they disentangled themselves.
I don’t know how, but I felt his skin. It was warm, firm, smooth, soft… It seemed like I remembered him wearing a sleeved shirt, but still I could feel the skin of his arms, shoulders, neck. As if my eyes were closed, I suddenly felt his breath on my neck and shoulder as he whispered “I’m here to wake you up!” I felt ecstasy. My body was aflame. I felt Alive. I felt Love. I also felt confusion in my mind- a constant stream of questions and wonderings coming at a clipping pace. “I feel so attracted and aroused, but nothing sexual at all, how odd. He’s shorter than me! Oh, but, not really. Or at least, not by much. Maybe it’s still fine? What is happening right now? Is E and his brothers watching?!” and even as the stream of thoughts and questions bothered and sought to distract me, each one I just decided that I didn’t care because whatever this was felt way too good.
“Who are you?” I asked him.
And I woke up. I woke up and felt my body exactly as I had felt it in the dream. Heated. Alive. Aware. Woken up.
Still, I felt amazement that I perceived no sexual arousal. Yes, I was aroused, but it was not sexual. It is like a love in my body that is whole- complete- and needs nothing to be satisfied. I felt no want, and no need.
I felt again my intense curiosity and desire to know about this person- this man. “Who are you?”
“I’m just like you-!”
“You’re human?”
“Of course!” he took off his ‘shirt’ and showed me a luminous light blinding me from his center.
“Are you dead?”
“Oh, no! I’m not dead!” He seemed to pause in thought. “But I don’t currently have a physical body like you do.” this last sentence was spoken with such subtle nuanced feeling. He clearly loved himself and who he was, and his present state- but he also conveyed a deep love for me- a sorrow, even, that we are not both in physical bodies, and a deep love also, for the fact that he is speaking to me, now.
“What should I call you?”
“Thomas!” he said joyously- his whole demeanor is cheerful and playful but some things are imparted with extra.
“Oh, like my brother?” I asked- moreso because I half-expected something very different and foreign.
He laughed. “You have a Brother named Thomas! Then call me by my other name- Phillip.” this name came with a deeper feeling of golden light hue and more sober love. I begin to pick up that maybe we are not conversing in words as it is normally understood. “You don’t have any brothers named Phillip, do you?” he laughed again. The sound was so full- joyous. “And, my dear,” he added, a twinkle seeming to gleam at me in his eyes, “What should I call YOU?”
To my surprise my name as I know it didn’t come out of my mouth, but the name that I had found- my spiritual name- came out. “Lynna.” I said simply. It was such a simple act, one word- but it was a moment that I felt something fundamental open up in my body. An anchor is all that I can say to put a word to it. It is like a permanent stone by which I can always find my way- to what? I have no idea. To this place, I suppose.
Even as I spoke the word, even as I felt this something in my body, Phillip himself became as ecstatic as I seemed to feel. So far he had always seemed to be non-chalantly embodying with perfect poise a level of joy, grace, and perfect love that I not only have never seen in anyone, but didn’t know was even possible. But now he seemed to explode into a celebration of total bliss and mind blowing joy, as if he just couldn’t help himself.
When that happened, I felt some fear, and was instantly transported back. Back to 3D, material reality.
I got up from bed and took a shower. After my shower I saw with my Cosmic Towner, Eugene. Eugene is great. I love him so much. He transports me even in the most challenging situations.
As I sat with Eugene, I noticed that I was being transported back. Phillip was right there, right away. He extended his hand; an offer of assistance. I took it, and he instantly jettisoned us both even deeper. I was aware that I had a lot of questions- a lot of doubts. I was also aware that I was not actually concerned too much with them. That I was still in a state of “I just decided that I didn’t care because whatever this was felt way too good.”
Yet Phillip seemed interested in knowing my questions. My doubts. He really genuinely was full of abject adoration for me, and honestly I am for him as well.
I wanted to know about the “touchy feely” aspects of this experience. I always have had an image in the back of my mind that spiritual people are austere, never touching, never “involved” and never intimate.
“It’s like cats” Phillip told me. “we just can’t keep our hands off of them!”
And as if on cue, our new cat walked over me as I sat there, and I petted him. Lol. It’s so true that when I perceive a cat around, I instantly and unconsciously reach to pet it. And, it’s exactly the same with anyone who really adores you.
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