distractions to come in 2014

10:32pm

So many things. Well, not that many, but I keep getting distracted from actually writing anything down. I never really mentioned much about Seattle, then I went to Texas and haven’t said anything about that either. There were plenty of good moments too. I just need to buckle down and write out everything I remember. In good news for my future self, I don’t remember all the details anymore so the entries should be a lot shorter and take less time. That seems like a bonus quality, especially for my procrastinating brain that gets overwhelmed by the idea of retelling all those moments. I really would like to keep them somewhere though.

I always enjoy going back and reading things. I’ve recently gone over some of the entries that have been sitting around since like August that I never posted. It’s interesting. I love the way things change. I love to see the way that I grow even just a tiny bit from weeks, or months, before. It makes me feel like progress is actually being made, even though it doesn’t quite feel that way in the day-to-day life stuff. It’s still there. :-)

Unlike the progress that is definitely not being made between Ck and I. Yes, I’m going to talk about that again. It’s been a big part of my life over the last several months [years?] and it’s hard not to mention at least a little something.

My brain flip-flops on the subject so often that it’s difficult to keep track of where my head is at. I like him; I don’t. We’d make great friends; we’re horrible around each other. Ok..we’ve never been horrible around each other. I’m a pretty decent person around him. But still. The brain is all over the place. One day it’s thinking about all the moments that have been so fun and great, and the next it’s thinking about how I should just forget it all and move on already.

He hasn’t said anything to me since we hung out. Or since Halloween, the day after. He didn’t even respond when I asked him how the move went. And I get that he’s shy, or whatever, but we’re supposed to be like friends now. It’s not that hard to strike up a conversation. Looking back, I can see how there have been a lot of moments like this. Someone stops responding and then it sits and simmers for a long while. He’s been the first to get back in touch a few times, but the majority of it has been me. I’m pretty tired of having to come up with excuses to shove myself into his life. And it kinda hurts my feelings that he was right.there outside my house and he didn’t even bother to send me a stupid text, or anything.

I don’t get that kid at all.. . .

I’d love to be friends with him, there’s no doubt about that, because we seem to be pretty good at that in person. I like the idea of sitting around talking to him over a couple beers. I want so badly to convince him to try a Snakebite with me [a drink I was introduced to in Texas, which was delicious and I think he’d appreciate]. There are so many little things that remind me of him and make me want to start a conversation. But I have this awful pride.
Such awful pride.

The better idea would be to just go out and make more friends. But there seriously isn’t anywhere to meet people here in town. I could hit the one bar [technically there’s two, but the other is an old man bar.] but that would be like traveling back in time to high school. The idea of running into any of my old classmates gives me major anxiety. I didn’t like who I was back then. I have no desire to talk about the “good ol’ days” or bond over moments that didn’t matter. I just want to meet new people and the opportunities in this town are so few and far between.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this small town of mine. I love feeling safe enough to walk anywhere, even alone at night. The charm, the knowing people, the comforting sounds/smells/sights. It’s all amazing. To the point where as much as I want to leave, I don’t think I’d ever be able to stay gone for long. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a great place for a young, single, 20-something to be hanging out. It definitely limits my chances of any meaningful interactions.

So my point is that meeting someone at work is one of those rare opportunities. Actually making a new “friend” was surprising and great, but it took for ever and now he’s gone and I’m lonely again. I want to move on. There’s just not much to move on too, know what I mean?

Whatever. Days go by. It gets a bit easier with distractions and time.

There are plenty of things to be distracted by. Work is going to be crazy busy this coming week. I have a couple huge projects that I want to get caught up on before the end of the year. There’s Thanksgiving! and Christmas! and all that special holiday stuff going on.

Mom and I are probably heading out on Thanksgiving. Spend time out on the town with a bunch of strangers. The holiday hasn’t been that big here in a while. Most people leave the area and it’s silly to just cook for the two of us. I told her we need to get some new friends because I have a ton of recipes I want to try out, but there’s no one to eat the food. hah. Not sure what Christmas has in store. I’m looking forward to traditions and maybe some amazing food. I haven’t even contemplated the outside lights yet, which I’m just now realizing. yikes! That project needs to be taken care of asap. It’s my favorite thing. So see? Plenty to think about.

Except you know, most thoughts wander back to being lonely, not having huge family traditions, wanting to spend time with people to celebrate. It’s the one time of year that I try to ignore the panic that rises within at the thought of social interaction so that I can celebrate all these amazingly awesome moments! [You know what’s funny? I’m just now thinking about the fact that I didn’t even get nervous to hang out with CK. Like I drove out there to hang alone with him and I didn’t feel any kind of anxiety whatsoever…interesting]

I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible at this reading/writing/noting thing recently. Sometimes I pull away and forget to come back. I’ve got that added excuse that I kept going out of town and got so far behind. Like I’m still reading stuff from early October. So I’m going to try to catch up and get better at noting and writing in the future. It’s so nice to have faves to share life with, but I’m really bad at the whole keeping up thing. [on here and in person - hellooo only making one friend in the last three years. hah!]

Tomorrow I have plans to finally clean out all the vents so we can start using the heater. The fireplace has been good to us, but we’re quickly going through our stockpile of wood and it would be nice to save some for later. Plus having to work early in the morning involves showers and the desire for a bit more warmth in there. =) The grass is also sprouting mushrooms like crazy after the few drops of rain we’ve had. I need to pick those and mow the lawn if it doesn’t suddenly decide to rain in the morning. I have been loving this weather though! The dark skies and grey clouds. I’d missed them. Even though I’m really starting to enjoy the summer season, this rain is doing so much more for my soul right now. And the silly flowers are blooming all around the house. Poor things must be completely confused by our changing weather. Maybe I can whip out the camera and take a couple shots while I’m outside. I so miss picture taking.

Ok, enough randomness. I stumbled across a Bon Iver album online and it’s kind of amazing, so I’m gonna go look into that.

Good night.

rose.
11:13pm