It starts by triggering her, unintentionally of course, but some damage was done anyway. And then she shuts you out again for the second time in about a month but this time it's not earth-shattering and you reconcile only this time everything feels different... You don't trust as easily and words that you hear aren't as believed as easily but you know you need to see her, you know that if you could just get your hands on her, if she could get her hands on you, then everything will be okay because it's always okay when the both of you are in the same place....
But then weeks go by and you haven't seen each other for reasons that you don't know but the fucked up thing is you don't say anything and you just wait for her. Maybe it'll be today, no it's not all right well then maybe it'll be tomorrow and you just keep waiting and waiting and waiting and then tomorrow never comes. And a month goes by and you don't see each other and you're pissed. But the whole time? You didn't say a fucking word
And in the meantime, you think to yourself, all right well if we can't see each other let's try to reconnect through some emails or something so you send her some questions about how best she likes to communicate, and how she likes to connect with people and how does she feel close to people and she says thanks for the email, and you say hey I'd really like to have a conversation about it so you don't really have to email me back but let's talk. But then a day goes by, and then a week and she never brings it up again. And then you get pissed about it but the funny thing is you don't say a goddamn fucking word. You never asked her about it because you don't want to push, you don't want to be the one always bringing the stuff up. You want her to do it but at the same time it's driving you crazy. But still you let it go.
And then she starts leaving work and not telling you, little thing starts slipping, like the notes you leave for each other, they just stop and you're wondering to yourself why but you know what, you don't say anything to her and she doesn't say anything to you. You just continue about your business like nothing fucking happened. And you're too scared to bring all this stuff up because you don't want to be accusing her of anything and you don't want to push and you don't want to do anything to rock the boat because of the last two times that you got shut out
And then your family's coming and you told her months ago that you wanted her there but now it's so weird cuz you haven't even seen each other in a month why would you ask her to come meet your family when it's difficult enough to just see each other? So instead of talking about it you just ignore it like nothing's even happening. But you know you want her there, she was invited, she belongs there. Or at least you feel like she does. But you say fucking nothing except to complain that you don't want to go
And you're circling your head wondering where you stand with her because she always says she misses you and you're so fucking in love with her that you would do anything for her and you have so much time for her but it doesn't seem like she has enough time for you. So you don't really know what to do. Do you bring the stuff up? These little things because all you want to do is connect with her. She is one of the most beautiful people you've ever known but you realize you're just sitting there waiting for her to show you something when really you're not showing her anything.
And you feel like why the fuck do I always have to be the one showing. I have shown, I've opened up my heart, I asked those questions and it got ignored. I've been shut out twice. And I'm still always the one waiting
And that's when the bitterness starts and that's when both of you stop caring. And that's when things start falling apart. And you can see it coming from a mile away. And you're fucking broken inside because you don't want it happening because even though you haven't seen each other for so long, she's still in your life everyday and you can't imagine a fucking day without her. A day without her, that silence, it's fucking brutal and you don't want it. ... But it always takes two. And you want to know if you're a priority. And you want to tell her that she is a priority. She is the priority.
There is something you can do, open your fucking mouth and say the things that are in your head. You can just fucking lay it out there. Stop being a baby. And you can't control the things that she does but at least you said what you need to and you can be at peace. And maybe you can stop these little breaks... Because eventually it's what will take down the whole foundation that you've built together.
Maybe you lose her. Maybe you don't..
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