Conflicting in one word at a time

I smile whenever I am with you
In sorrow I seek you
In darkness I yearn for you
I thought butterflies are exaggerated
Yet here I am falling head over heels for you
But why does it hurt so much?
I’ve thought I accepted the reality that we may never be with one another
Yet hope is such a beautiful sword held against my life
A tool of beneficience to the faithful
A hammer of maleficence to the damned
And I am one of the damned