So... here we are again. in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)
- June 25, 2025, 2:16 p.m.
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- Public
It’s been a while. I know. But I’m back to needing a place to shout into the void, that no one around me can hear. I dunno what’s worse, my mind, or my damn heart.
So where to pick up? Cat is fine. He’s still the same sweet and lazy, pudgy ball of fluff he’s always been. S, after the last attempt, is out of my life for good, after finding a new boyfriend, and getting married (my decision, I’ll get into that later), M hasn’t contacted me again - which is almost disappointing, I’m still working the same job and am now the most senior tech they have (though, for how long is a question), I’ve finally met up with my 4 online friends twice, one of these meetups was a cross country road trip - which I enjoyed, and I’ve given up dating, as there’s no chance I’m going to find anyone I could be with, partly because nobody wants this, partly because I don’t think I could trust anyone to be that close to me, and partly because “The Ginger©” is still haunting my dreams. Oh, and R is expecting again. So, fun times. Apologies in advance if this goes wildly off course - I’m writing this while laying in a hot bath after a crap day with a sore back. I’m probably missing some things, but I don’t remember what was going on last time I was here.
S kept trying to reconnect for quite a while, kept trying to get me to meet her new guy “I think y’all would get along great”, inviting me to the wedding, etc, but I kept avoiding all of it. A little while after I cut contact, I realized why I was being so evasive. I still had some level of feelings for her. I was jealous she was getting her happy ending, and I wasn’t. And being even a little involved with her, I was never going to get over her. It’s strange to see myself type that out. It’s been quite a while since that all happened, yet it still stings a bit. Do I miss her? Of course. I miss a lot of people I’m better off not being around for one reason or another. But I know keeping distance is the only way to salvage what’s left of my sanity.
The road trip was to one of the friends who lives basically in the middle of nowhere. I drove through a lot of nowhere to get there, which was actually not as bad as I expected it to be. Just set the cruise control and enjoy the scenery through the windscreen. But once I got to my friend’s, I realized just how badly the noise here is killing me. Even when we were busy doing things, it was still peaceful there, unlike the barrage of annoying noise I am bombarded with at home. I felt better rested, less stressed, and more energetic that I had in a long while, and still felt that way for a couple of weeks after I got home. But the same old annoyances here brought back the same old stresses and anxieties that I’d been able to rid myself of for a couple of weeks. It’s more clear than ever I desperately need to move away from here, or I’m just shortening my lifespan with the stress of living here.
So I made the decision a couple years ago that trying to date just isn’t worth it anymore. For one, in this area, there seems to be a 6/6/6 rule girls have for the guys they’ll date. 6 feet tall, 6 figure income, and 6 inches of… Well.. you know. I only have one of those. I won’t specify which. The other side of that is people here are cold. The “Seattle Freeze” is real. Basic politeness just triggers people. Hold a door open and they look at you sideways like you’ve got 3 heads and purple skin. And my heavily engrained southern manner? Throw that shit right in the trash because god forbid you say “No Sir” to someone who very much looks and sounds like a natural born male. “HoW dArE YoU AsSuMe mY GeNdEr!!!!” As they have a complete fucking meltdown. Because of this, I just address all my customers by their first name. Then I had one fucking lecture me about respect because I called him by name. “Around here, I can’t just call you Mr. ______, because then I’m assuming your gender, and too many people lose their minds about that.” I mean, it shut him up. Anyway, I’ve removed myself from all dating apps and sites, and called it done. There are a lot of moments and milestones I know I will miss out on, and that honestly kills me inside, but I’d rather be “meh” alone than miserable playing the dating game.
Which brings me to R. So, to add a little clarity to this, I’ve kept my life kinda compartmentalized. Work and personal don’t mix, groups of friends don’t mix, etc. With R, her husband, and a few others, I’ve managed to break down that compartment wall, and mix the two. With past experiences being the reason I had partitions on my life, it wasn’t an easy thing for me to do. They were actively reaching out to me, and I just politely kept my distance. Still feeling like it’s a matter of time before this bites me in the ass, but never mind. Anyway, R is expecting her second child, and while I am truly genuinely happy for them, it stings. Another moment I’ll never have. Jealousy is a cruel bitch. I want to be ecstatic for them, but it’d be a lie, and I don’t lie. Sadly, this isn’t the only scenario like this.
J and I have grown apart the last few years. I don’t deny I have blame in this. But we’ve not spoken properly in quite a while. I knew she was seeing someone, but didn’t know how serious it was until she posted a very “happy moment” picture. No, I won’t say what, because she’s private about her life and I absolutely will respect that. But that picture hit harder than it should have. I’m happy for her, I really am, but I’m jealous. And I’m sad, because that will never be my life. So I made the decision to step away. Not because she did anything wrong, but because I can’t be the friend she deserves. If I’m having all this crap run through my head because something good happened in her life, that doesn’t speak too highly of me. I’ll not be raining on her parade. She deserves better.
(J, if you read this, I’m sorry I’ve failed you as a friend. You deserve all the hope and happiness in the world, and I really do wish you all the best of everything and more, and I wish you a long and happy life. I will miss you, but I don’t deserve you as a friend.)
There’s been more going on, but I don’t know how to word it. The last couple weeks have just had me spinning, and it’s just hard to tolerate. I’ve made the decision though, I need therapy. And quite badly. Things have been piling on in my head, and it’s got me just about to fall apart more often than I’d like. And yet, for some reason, it’s still engraved on my brain that I can’t talk to my closest friends, who I’ve known over a decade, about any of it. If you’re a parent of a boy, please please please DON’T teach them “boys don’t cry” or “boys don’t show their emotions” or shit like that. That’s how I was raised, and this is the price I’m paying for my asswipe “father’s” bullshit beliefs. On top of everything else wrong with my brain, I have deep thoughts and emotions I’m having hell getting out, because it’s not “manly”. I can at least say I’m working on it, though.
And guys, no matter what, your feelings are valid. Your emotions are valid. Your tears are valid. Don’t bottle it up, talk to someone. Don’t end up a spectacular dumpster fire like me.
Since I’m turning raisin like and getting hungry, I think this is where I’ll call it an entry. I’ll try and get back to this more often, and hopefully be better entertainment. Thanks for letting me get this outta my head.
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