I turn 38 in two months. The only thing I can think about is how I am living paycheck to paycheck. I am struggling to give my kid a good 8th birthday party. His first. This is not a huge problem, I know, but see if from my perspective: I am RN. My husband is a teacher. We overspent a bit, so we accrued a bit of debt, but it shouldn’t be to the point where I am paycheck to paycheck. The only thing I have pulling me through is knowing that my jeep payments will hopefully end next year, which means more money back in my pocket.
The problems I have had with the husband are not as bad as they used to be, but they’re not getting better. At least now. I feel that we are stagnant. He’s entering his ‘woe as me’ phase again with work. Poor me I work 5 days a week, poor me I’m tired, poor me etc etc. I mean, I get it. I don’t envy the guy his work schedule. I prefer my three 12s over working 5 days a week any day. I think that is a freaking crime honestly. But the rest of the world does it. He is not the only one. How many millions of other people make it work? How many other people work 2 jobs even and still don’t come home with a piss poor attitude that they think gives them license to lock themselves away on a computer and ignore the family for the rest of the day?
Am I a bit resentful? Yes.
But I believe I have a point. Conversely, I am also a piece of shit. I am a mature adult that can own her faults. One of them being I don’t really know my husband. I don’t know what he likes, and the things that he does want to share with me I don’t care for. He’s tries to get me invested in stuff. Like the other night he sent me a youtube of what would have been VH1’s behind the music of Paramore. He found it interesting. I did not. I watched about half before loosing interest. I didn’t say that I didn’t like it, but we didn’t discuss it. But seriously, I don’t know what he likes. This could be a for a few reasons: one, we don’t communicate anymore. Who he was when we met is not who he is now. I fell in love with a different man, I feel. He’s definitely changed. Life of course does that. But I mean…damn. My husband, it feels, literally has no joy. Two, we don’t share any mutual interests.
I yearn for the type of husband I see my friends have. Loving, calls during the say just to see how they are doing, interacts with the family. Like truly interacts. Family game night, take one of the kids out on a father kid date. Something. Not even for me anymore. I can let the woman in me die. Would that suck, yeah it would, but for my kids as long as it meant that they have somewhat interactive father that they think gives a shit, I would sacrifice a lot.
But its not all his fault. Mine too. I am sure I don’t make things easy. Going back to how I am a piece of shit; on father’s day I did nothing. Count it folks, nothing. I even forgot to say happy father’s day when he woke up. The cherry on top of the cake is that I bitched about nothing happening for me on mother’s day, I forgot that I bitched, and then didn’t do a damn thing for him. Hypocrite much y’all? I see now that I am, or was at that time. And he was hurt. But I have no idea how to comfort him, give him something he likes because I am unsure of his likes, or just be with him. I feel like I need to date the guy all over again.
I am tired. I want to stop thinking. I don’t want to worry about bills, kids, husband, or life. People might believe that is suicidal. Its not. I just want for a bit to not have these thing shoved in my face all in one day. I have dreams of floating, being so light that I lift. Because my mind feels so heavy. My body feels weighed down. I keep a mantra of ‘things will get better when,’ but in the meantime I know that days are passing me by, my best years are leaving me as I wait for ‘things to get better.’
Gotta tell you. I am sick of waiting, but as my husband so eloquently put it, I have no follow through. Guess I am fucked. Screw my birthday. Screw my late thirties. Screw this economy. Screw the shitty thoughts in my head about such a wonderful man that I do love, but forgot how to cherish. I want to be numb. At least for a while.
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