4:47 am Have you ever had that whole thing where you can’t sleep? Like, let me give you an example. When I was 16 (at least I think I was) I had a crush on some random girl I met on a website called face the jury. You’d upload a photo of yourself and people would judge you and give you a rating. Are you hot or are you ugly? Her name was Somegirl125 or something like that. Numerical numbers at the end. Maybe it was 825? Her date of birth?
I’m getting off topic. We started talking and I got a little too attached, more like crazy stalkerish like. The whole calling her house every few minutes. Not my proudest moment or, years? Reflecting back on that time period makes me sick. She went out on a date with a guy named Elvis. He must have been 26 to 31 and she was 15 or 16 at the time. I only found out because I read her diary.
That night my stomach was hurting and I kept waking up every 30 minutes, crying. That’s the only way I KNOW of, how to explain it. It’s a feeling I don’t want anyone else to feel. I’ll give you tooth pain over feeling that.
I’m feeling that. Should I run my entries through chatgpt, because when I’m off, I use and start everything with EYE. EYE this, EYE that, and yes, EYE know it’s the eye-eye as in your head but I am emphasizing the way I am mentally speaking out this entry in my head.
EEEEYE.
We haven’t spoken a lot today and that’s have just kind of trailed off. She sent me this photo.
And I told her that seeing her makes my heart beat and my dick hard… YEAH I KNOW HOW THAT FUCKING SOUNDS! But I told her that I’m just being up front with her. I like her, and I want to win her heart and her body, but I’m afraid. I quickly deleted that a few minutes later. She replied omg you’re so cute. That’s when I said what I said and deleted it.
I left out the whole part about getting nudes from her. Someone reading is probably going, “Get out!! RUN!” and I agree.
Am I overreacting? When we first started talking she told me that she wanted to fuck this guy that blocked her for having sex with him while she was on her period.
Before I go any further, think like a normal horny guy. I got NEWDUDESSSS and they were beautiful. All of it.
I got jealous when she said that about the other guy. At the time we were just talking like two strangers about random shit going on in our day. I talked about work and she talked about having to get some food and being horny.
Is this making sense?
Then a few days ago she sends me a cute photo and I relied love me already and she said she does…
For real?
I get that she’s on vacation and I do my best to not bother her while she’s on it; but I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach.
It woke me up from my drunken sleep.
I don’t want to get attached, only to have the fucking carpet pulled out from under me.
Other dudes in my situation would take it. Smash that pussy and smash another. That’s, not cool and all and it isn’t me. I just want to fuck one girl and love one girl. Am I wrong for feeling that I am definitely not the only one in this equation? Am I ???
When I said that no one is interested in me in real life, I meant no one my age, or mentally in the same space I am. Younger girls, sure. They like older guys and it seems to be a trend in today’s society. People are becoming more inline with the idea. Unless you’re Leo DiCaprio.
What my heart wants outweighs what my dick wants. Is that understood or do I need to elaborate?
Okay, it’s like this. Her pussy is beautiful, but do you know what’s more beautiful than a gorgeous pussy?
Getting a hug from the person you like as they get out of the car. Not an in car side hug. No sir, it’s the one where they get out of the car and walk around to your door and tap on the window. You lower it and they say, “Give me a hug”. Coming home after moving in together and always seeing her at the door when you get home. Being able to talk about your day and what’s got you down and not being judged over it. It’s that connection you make where you both can’t stand to be away from each other. Am I crazy???
Where’s that???
That’s what I want!! But this is all I get.
Or I ignore someone that IS interested in me because they’re younger, knowing DAMN FUCKING WELL! THAT EYE!!! EYE!!!! AM INTERESTED IN.
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I’m not sure which one is WORSE; this and the stomach ache (is that one or two words?) or SEEING someone you do like but can’t like and watching them fall for someone else and giving them EVERYTHING YOU WANT! OH THE FUCKING IRONY! That’s how it goes dude! That’s. HOW. IT. GOOHZZZZZ.
Story of my fucking life. True story too and I have to see it at work. Beautiful girl. But she was too young and as always, thought I was in my 20’s.
She’d walk by and say hi Atticus and then smile as she walked away and doing that little over the shoulder look girls seem to do when they want to see if your checking them out. Sometimes I wouldn’t say anything and pretend to be busy with a printer or writing something down. Maybe I was looking at a sticker as I peeled it off its paper and she’d say hi Atticus. I’d say hi back and she’d get this smile on her face and I was all, man I know that smile because I do it too when the married 30 something year old that looks like Mariana talks to me at work. That giddy smile man. We all know that smile. All of us.
But work is for work. Don’t date where you shit. Mariana thought me that.
Now we’ve made a full circle and the process repeats. I don’t have an issue getting girls, it’s just not the girls I want and when I entrain the idea of giving them a chance, it goes like this. I give the ones who more than likely want to fuck an older guy and the ones who want a relationship, I do not give a chance because I’m all bro, you’re too young. Oh, and when I do land someone that isn’t wanting to fuck, I fuck it up. Never fails.
When I got promoted that girl at work said hi to me and I told her I did it. She gave me a high five or something (I don’t remember because my heart was all fluttering and my vision got hazy and I was breathing hard) and her dude rushed over to stand next to her. Chill bro. I’d never date anyone from work.
I think I’m constantly shooting myself in the foot.
But this is a fear. What if my soul mate is younger? When I was that age, I knew that I wanted a long term relationship, but I wasn’t smart.
I’ve rambled enough. Here’s what I got at Chilli’s.
One of my friends quit and got a better job, so we were celebrating.
I got all of this for $77 dollars.
My food was not great. I should have stuck to the chicken tenders and fries.
And me, looking like shit.
I also sent her this on whatever day this is dated. She never replied to any of that. Just a photo of her in her bathroom.
Feel free to vomit after reading my y cringe worthy virtual letter.
After eating the guys and I and one of their girlfriends went to Ross For Loss. Us guys went to Barnes & Noble and that’s where I saw this cute dinosaur. A part of me was all, I should buy this for her. Then I remembered that I’m just dumb, old, and lonely.
And ugly to girls my age.
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