It’s 2:36 AM and I’m Under.
It took about 2-3 hours for the brownie to be fully absorbed and peaked. But its a smooth blend of transition that glides through my body. I don’t typically do anything when it hits, I usually just lay in bed and let colors dance around my ceiling. But tonight I thought of writing and do anything productive or creative. Maybe to see how well I can carry myself? For what purpose you may ask? I am also oblivious. But maybe I just want to write something down.
I’m quite amazed at how well I can keep my focus, given how heavy the buzz is on my finger tips. I do feel a chilling inch that creeps behind my neck, but I do my best to push it down as not to be overtaken by anxiety.
Have you ever felt so detached? That you completely dissociate from your body? That you realize that every little thing you were stressing about this morning doesn’t seem so big or important anymore. That you’ve completely moved passed the heavy sadness you’ve been carrying for the past several weeks. That for the first time, I feel confident about doing anything and everything without the immense fear of judging eyes hovering over me? I love how it feels. I love how I can shut down my perfectionist self, and just “exist”.
If my younger self saw how I keep myself busy on down days, she’d be gravely disappointed. But given the underwhelming “perk” adulthood and independence has given me, I hope little me understands. That we’re all just trying to keep our heads above water.
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