If you knew me in The First Life

I don’t write any more…At all.
Anyone that knows me, knows I am an artist of sadness. My creative spark comes from negative feelings.
I wish he knew that…

Since that day in early June, that I realized I really wanted only him, for as long as I could see into the future, I’ve had no reason to write.
Maybe only momentarily. But truly..no real sadness to speak of.

Yet here I am…
I’m home. We’ve barely said 5 words to one another. He’s walking through the house, I’m sitting quietly on the couch. This is not what I wanted.
The hardest thing is not even being able to understand where the problem lies. I can’t even begin to explain what our arguments are about, other than the fact that we are arguing, and how we should be arguing better.

When we argue..I cannot raise my voice, and by that, I don’t mean yelling, I mean just normal heightened tone. He can’t handle my voice having even a slight hint of emotion behing it. No frustration, irritation, anger. I can’t speak with my hands, or speak fast or speak too slow.
I can’t be human, it seems.
And while I’m trying to speak my mind, all these emotions come knocking at my hearts door, and I just have to hush them, let them knock, and kick, and pound at my chest while I keep all composure.

And I know 90% of the issues that erupt all come from my once again lacking, self esteem.
So I say sorry. I count all my flaws.
But still, those knocking feeling keep pushing against my chest…If I could just be frustrated. ..be angry…it would feel better. He always says “I disagree” to all the points I try to make..When all I want id acknowledgment of my feelings.
He’s so easily moved in bad ways. And it takes him days to get over an argument. Awkwardly we walk around the house…not sure what to say to one another. He’s always upset and I’m always sorry. I make some pathetic attempt to make him happy. He thanks me, but I still feel the chill.

Every day though. I think of all the good he is. I can name a million amazing things about him, and I’m always realizing how lucky I am.
Does he do the same?
I highly doubt it.

He has taught me a lot.
He’s older and has helped me to see a lot.
But a part of me is beginning to think that he’s older..and unable to budge on a lot of what he sees.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.
I just can’t put this puzzle together on my own