How often is it that you find a person that's willing to put up with your bullshit?
Not often, really. You have work stuff, family stuff, decades-old you-cant-let-go-of-but-really-should stuff, weird sex stuff, maybe parental stuff, or the weird fact that you sleep upside down like an idiot stuff...and if you've been on your own for awhile, that's your stuff and it's no one else's stuff but yours so it doesn't matter what it looks like. And if anyone ever says anything, well, fuck them because they don't really matter. At least, not really.
Until, for whatever reason...you decide you are tired of being alone and try to meet someone or maybe you're just walking down the street (or, more likely these days, scrolling on the net) and they just end up hitting you in face when you least expect it. Metaphorically, of course, unless you're into that sort of thing. Maybe you feel too alone or maybe the house has become a little too quiet, more so than it ever has been, or maybe it's just who you are - you feel like you, as a person, work better coupled up.
And then, you get fascinated, almost transfixed, by them. You want to know everything about them. How they think, what makes them tick, what makes them cum and who they've fucked, why they do the things they do, how they came to believe the things they do. You want to know all of it. But, in the back of your head, if you're the type of person that keeps your bullshit to yourself, that if you pursue this interest, they may become just as interested in you. And, fuck, what are you going to do if they start picking at the surface and actually get inside?
Are you really going to share the dark, dirty shit that you keep buried so deep inside of yourself you don't even realize it's the shit that's bothering you on any given bad day? It's the asshole coworker or traffic, or money that you can give as an excuse. But are you really going to look at a partner and explain that all this anxiety and depression and stubbornness inside you is because you can't let go of the past and fear the future? Are you going tell them that you feel like you aren't worth their time and why you feel that way? Or that your kinks are informed by trauma and then dig into that trauma?
Because they're going to want to fucking know. Suddenly your shit matters and your panicking cuz this person, who you didn't know existed a month, year, or five years ago, wants access to all of you. So what do you do? Who knows. Run the fuck away, usually, probably. But you do that all the time anyway and you know how that plays out. It's safe, your baggage is yours again and you can go about your day. Or you could let things slip out slowly but then you're just thinking about the one thing you let out that will finally, finally, burst the bubble and send them running like it has so many times before. And who needs to add to your pre-existing abandonment issues?
Or...maybe, and this is a big maybe. But...maybe you could just shut the fuck up. For, like, just a second. Maybe you're not as fucked up, complicated, or as much as you think you are. Just stop thinking. Maybe the person you're with has seen and felt more than you and those issues you feel you have aren't really that big of a deal. Or they know exactly how you feel because they've been through it and instead of being afraid of it, of you, they just fall more in love with you.
Which might be one of their red flags but fucking ignore that because if you don't want to be alone and if you want to know this person you can't stop thinking of, you need put some skin in the game or else it'll never work. You need to put yourself out there and risk some pain because they'll need to know you. Otherwise, putting out the bits and pieces that you've always put out there isn't worth it. There are no half measures here.
You'll just end up hurt again. And alone.
And nobody fucking wants that anymore, okay? So get over yourself.
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