The Odd One Out in Everyday Ramblings

Camas. I am seeing it more and more around. It doesn’t mind being wet. That is why here it is planted in one of the sidewalk water sinks we have around town, particularly in the newly built-up parts. This is down by the south riverfront where the dental school is, and I was on Tuesday. I am going back tomorrow afternoon for what I hope is my last major surgery. The kind that involves stitches.

We are having our state convention for the League of Women Voters in our state capital starting Friday. A number of folks I know are going and I was going to go to meet the state treasurer to get some insights from him, but I forgot I’ve had this surgery scheduled for months. I can’t say I am too disappointed not to go. But you know dental surgery vs. convention… I think I know what most of us would pick.

On Sunday morning just as I was getting up, I am not sure if I was actually asleep, or in that in between state of waking I had the oddest sensation. It was if someone, a bed partner was gently but affectionately rolling over my legs to get up on my side of the bed. I thought to myself oh I wonder if that was Dan.

Three hours later I got the news that Dan, my ex-husband had died.

We were married 49 years ago. He had been married to his current wife for 40 years. Boy was he well loved! I am glad for that. But I tell you it is weird to read the condolences and look at the pictures because it is like the part of his life with me has been carefully excised out. There was one note about our bookstore in Seattle from someone I only vaguely remember.

I am sad for his family and friends, and it sounds like the last month or so was pretty rough. I was particularly sad because they were doing intensive medical treatment, uncomfortable things, and he couldn’t talk at the end instead of hospice.

I would have wished palliative care for him. Not my rodeo, though.

The fact that I felt him go was not a surprise to me. Our fondness was mutual. It was disconcerting and sad but not a surprise. Now, though, as the ex, I am in this weird limbo. I don’t have the wall of anger and a sense of betrayal that many exes have. But I also was never close to his current family. Not one of those blended family things. So, I am out here on my own feeling his loss.

This is more common than we think I suspect. The odd one out. I might reach out to his brother. Our relations have always been inclusive and cordial.

But in the meantime, I feel sad.

Walt is always so upbeat, but we all had a good wide-ranging discussion about stories and legacy and getting old today. One of our crew has just published a memoir. He read us a fun bit. This is the fellow with long covid and getting treated for cancer so has had an encounter with his own mortality lately. He wanted to leave some of the family stories and his own for the grandkids. We are hoping to arrange a public reading for him.

I am hoping just to be able to rest a bit after the surgery tomorrow. We are having beautiful weather and the kids in the private school up the street had their big May Pole dance and celebration in the park today.

The rhododendrons are stunning this year, and the bearded iris are coming on so much to look forward to and enjoy on the flower clock.

And all those fabulous leaves! The new green is such a balm for a discouraged sad soul.