Now I need a biopsy ... in These titles mean nothing.

… of my thyroid.

I have been ignoring messages from pulmonary about nodes (or nodules - I’m not sure which - or what the difference is anyway) on my lungs.

I am so tired of this.

I have been ready to die since I was 14 years old.... the story about riding through Rosebud Sioux Indian Reservation in South Dakota on the way home from the great family trip West in August of 1960 or maybe 1959 - 60 makes the numbers turn out better. I had this ‘spiritual’ revelation that I was absolutely READY TO DIE in the back seat of my dad’s 1955 Chevy. I had the feeling that I could have done it too if I had absolutely agreed/consented to it. It was like I got to the brink and thought well that wouldn’t be nice for my parents and maybe just the same I wanted some more life.

So I didn’t die then. But I’ve carried that experience with me ever since.

And now. Here I am.

I am willing to do what the docs want me to do. But should I be?

Where is my psychiatrist when I want him or her?

No one, absolutely no one. has offered me a shrink through this journey of ENT, lung docs, cardiac specialties and not to mention dentistry.

My primary doc who I feel is on my side said several months ago - this started at my 6 months diabetes check up in December and I have another one coming up in June - this sentence is a mess. I don’t feel like starting over again. I guess the medical thing feels like the sentence. I don’t feel like starting over again.

But at some point - the one point I saw her since it all began - she said she was surprised I was doing anything about the whole thing. Yeah, me too, I guess.

I guess it’s because I’m obedient. I tend to do what people tell me to do.

Ok. Thanks. I’m sorry to be putting all of you and my sons through all this.

Oddly enough I’m not much worried about money through all this. I’m usually a person who cares what things cost. I worked at routine jobs until I was almost 71 and managed to ‘put away’ a certain amount of money, perhaps for this situation - isn’t that a funny idea? I have what I think is good insurnace with a reasonable ‘out of pocket’ limit and so far this has all just been penny ante stuff anyway. Oh God. I am so sorry and tired of writing and thinking of all this stuff.

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Today is cloudy and a bit rainy. And cold as well. May Day. Dutchmen’s Breeches and other wild flowers are blooming in the little wilderness by the burn pile. I walked through WalMart’s garden department yesterday and it was lovely too. I didn’t buy anything. Plants imply a future.

I haven’t taken my blood pressure yet this morning. I feel a little keyed up.

Thank you all for being here. Many of you have been my friends for a long time and I am grateful to you. I will miss you and I will miss writing here.

Of course I’m not gone yet.
See you later.
At least I don’t have a dog.

https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=7b0f43a5d44a29e0&rlz=1CAUNWU_enUS1113US1113&sxsrf=AHTn8zqAVTqJ_N5lSS4EGiOq94mcr-Q68A:1746112695897&q=is+the+spring+wildflower+dutchman%27s+breeches+or+dutchman%27s+breeches&udm=2&fbs=ABzOT_CWdhQLP1FcmU5B0fn3xuWpA-dk4wpBWOGsoR7DG5zJBsxayPSIAqObp_AgjkUGqengxVrJ7hrmYmz7X2OZp_NIYfhIAjPnSJLO3GH6L0gKvuUU9jOm91_NGkSK1WJYVWhDhQf8aTSfQQmgcg_7J1dHzTj50jyh3sYl-uG6X5vwmPT0oD-_D1e-EODFH0NN0RnFXcc21xs_4fia36VJOS1zRk8U4Q&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiNhOjXyIKNAxXIjIkEHeH-L-cQtKgLegQIGBAB&biw=1536&bih=730&dpr=1.25

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And if you please, have a look at the river.

https://www.rotarylights.org/live-river-cam.html