This past week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I went from feeling weepy, to mournful, to now just feeling like I am full of rage. I am going to speak in the first person as if to someone starting now:
I get home and I see you sitting there with yet another glass. I can smell the liquor in the air around you. I see you with the headset on. I see your tired, drunk, or dgafy (dgaf = don’t give a fuck) face and I just want to punch it. I hate seeing liquor around my house. I hate smelling it. I hate that you drink it. I hate that it exists in general. I hate that you use it as a crutch despite the fact that it FUCKING DOESN’T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK. How about you try sorting through your shit, no matter how painful or messy, like a fucking man? Do you think you can do that?
I hate how you don’t prioritize our family. I hate that you leave me alone in most of my outings. I hate that I have to make excuses for you when I go somewhere and people ask where is so and so. I wish I could say the truth and tell them, “He didn’t want to come because he’s a lazy fuck who doesn’t give a shit about your event.” Instead I try to make stuff up to make you look better and to ease my embarrassment. You embarrass me you know that? You have put me in situations where I wish the ground could swallow me up.
I hate how I feel like I can’t ask you for help because I feel like I’m inconveniencing you. I absolutely cringe and clench my cheeks when I hear you sigh, groan, or start to complain with an angry voice. I think to myself, God what now? What can I do to make his anger easier? How can I avoid his ire? You have me like our damn dog just wanting to hide and get away from you when you get like that.
I have to start telling our son, “You know how daddy gets,” or “Don’t do that because dad will start yelling.” You think I like telling our 7 year old those things. You absolute ignorant fuck. I want our son to love you. I want our son to say that he has the greatest fucking father in the world. Because he deserves that. Because you deserve that you aloof mother fucker. I don’t want our son to start to walk on eggshells around you like I already do. QUIT MAKING US FEEL LIKE WE CAN’T DO WHAT WE WANT IN OUR OWN HOUSE. You’re not the only one who lives here! There are other people who live here who want to feel love and warmth in this house. Not the heavy tension and atmosphere you bring every time you walk in a room.
Its tiring to be around you. Constantly having to watch what I say and how I act. Asking if you need anything so that I can be free to do something myself. Whenever I want to go out I have make sure that all the planets are aligned and that everything is perfect down the tiniest atom before I can go anywhere. You? You can take off whenever and all I ever say is, “Ok have fun.”
I bet you never have to worry about the things I have to worry about when you go out. You’re just free to leave. With me, its like a bill having to get passed through the entire senate plus the house of reps. I think ultimately, I hate the way I feel around you. Not ABOUT you, but around you. I still love you, but there are other things now starting to…take away from that. You make me feel like I don’t have your support, like if I ever have to ask you for anything, its only because I have exhausted every other resource and you are the only option left.
Quite literally the last option.
It shouldn’t be that way I think. There may be something wrong here. You make me feel like you would rather have your toe nails ripped out than to help me with anything. I am your burden. I am something that you put up with, that you deal with because you have to. I am not someone you cherish, you are happy to see, you confide in. I don’t know if I ever was really. Its so hard to remember a time that you really opened up to me about something that wasn’t marriage ending related.
I am holding on because I have to. Because I want to. Because I will torture myself if I ever come to the point where someone asks ‘Did you do everything within your power to keep things from falling apart?’ I want to be able to answer truthfully and with all certainty, “Yes, yes I did.”
But you. How will you answer that question?
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