I finished my therapy in February of this year. My therapist said I was good and that I didn’t need the appointments anymore. But here I am two months later and I am weepy again. I felt so seen and heard by her. I didn’t realize how much I looked forward to our conversations. Now I feel like I have no one to talk to. And I know that is not true, but I feel as though I am not being heard. She may have been paid to hear me, but you know what, it was money well spent. Good God, I miss her.
Its like the problems of the past have come back. Or maybe not problems, but the perspective I had before. The way I looked at things. I want to be a positive person. I want to see only the beautiful, but I don’t think I am surrounded by it. I am weepy every day. I don’t know how to be happy again. I find myself wanting to be anywhere but here. Anywhere but in my own body. I don’t want to be a wife. I don’t want to be a mom. Or I just don’t want to be me.
I want to be seen again. I want to be heard. I want to feel as if I am of value to someone. And I know its not healthy to depend on someone for that, I know that I should find that self worth for myself, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t see anything of value. I have no self esteem. I feel like a giant waste of space. Like God overlooked me in the inventory. Like I am a defective product that was sent, but forgot it was sent.
You know how sometimes when you order a drink, they make a wrong one and that give you the wrong order AND the correct order? What usually ends up happening to the one made wrong? Either you give it away, put it away, or throw it away. But in all scenarios its not important. Its not what you ordered originally. Its not what you wanted. I feel like that.
Unseen and unimportant.
And this is utterly preposterous, I know. I have parents who love me, I have children who love and need me. I have siblings who also love and care for me. And yet I can’t change my train of thought. I can’t build up mental walls to keep these thoughts at bay.
Depression sucks y’all. If you know someone with it, please don’t make light of it. Its a torture from your own mind that you cannot escape. You can distract yourself, but its always there. Its never truly gone. Its never ‘cured.’ Please know that. Be patient. Be kind. And if you can’t, if you are not strong enough or can’t deal with it or simply don’t want to, direct them to someone who can and will. People with depression are usually the ones that can smile the most convincingly. Look at Robin Williams. Made everyone laugh, and yet here we are, with him dead by suicide because it turns out he was depressed.
FYI, I am not suicidal. I am sober enough of mind to know that. If I were, when ever any one is, they will not tell anyone. They will just do it. Like flipping a light switch. So don’t go thinking that is where this is heading.
Have a better day than what I am having.
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