Blank Space in Magical Realism
- Nov. 10, 2014, 5:05 p.m.
- |
- Public
Thanks for the well wishes everyone. I’m here, I’m functioning, mostly. This time of year is usually kind of a blur anyway. Maybe all this just ups the ante a bit, more likely it’s just put off me processing anything in a meaningful way. What else is new?
Funeral came and went. Burial came and went. Weeks of trains, planes, airports, automobiles and taxis on a series of never-ending work trips. My brother and sister. My mom. Halloween came and went. I went out with friends, normal routine, elaborate party, elaborate costume. Normal on the surface but rotten inside.
Food doesn’t taste good. I can’t focus at work. Working out is the only thing I look forward to. Another thing I am struggling with is this huge wound on my face. I’m so fortunate that I can cover it up with these bangs, but they are high maintenance and often uncomfortable. It’s embarrassingly vain but I hate that there is something so ugly on me, something I need to cover up lest other people be uncomfortable. I miss my own forehead. I fear losing my hair. For now I am procrastinating on making my necessary follow-up appointments. In some ways I don’t want to know right now.
First winter swim of the season. Hiking with my mom by the Hudson River this weekend. Going into my parents’ closet - my mom’s stuff on one side, my dad’s still on the other. Over half a century together. I don’t know how she does it. Even just the administrative stuff. A is more helpful than I am. A is perfect, a god among men. That sounds like sarcasm, but it’s not. He is so patient, so helpful, so loving. He’s like a warped mirror of everything I should be. Maybe one day.
Seeing my dad’s death certificate. Messy doctor’s handwriting, but the words clear enough, “9/11 Toxicity Syndrome.” This year I thought I was finally over it, mostly. Our beautiful new Freedom Tower, the gap in our skyline almost filled. How can one day take so much from so many, and keep on taking. I know my losses are so small in the grand scheme of things, but it still hurts.
The most unusual thing is probably how ordinary everything has been, since. I’m not even binge drinking. Who’d have known - I guess that’s something I do to celebrate, not drown my sorrows. What I do is stupid small things. Playing music in my headphones too loud. Procrastinating on work things. Responding to flirty messages from an intriguing someone 8000 miles away.
So for now I am okay, with my tiny, almost imperceptible methods of self-destruction. I am holding on to my tiny vices for now, in the hopes that they will keep the huge impending blowup away, like a vaccine.
Last updated November 10, 2014
dickson. ⋅ November 10, 2014
<3
Red ⋅ November 10, 2014
Love to you, lady. Wish I could take some of the pain away somehow.
nightborn ⋅ November 10, 2014
Such beautiful photos. My heart aches reading this... I'm so sorry you are going through all this pain. All at once, it just isn't fair. Love to you and yours - please be kind to yourself, ok?
QueSeraSera ⋅ November 10, 2014
Glad you updated and see that you are getting on the best you can. I love the pictures. I don't think we will ever forget September 11th and all that came with and continues to come from that day sadly. Again so sorry for your loss. Thank God for A. Let us know how your swim went :)
Deleted user ⋅ November 10, 2014
You are handling this with such grace and writing so eloquently. I really admire that.
Deleted user ⋅ November 10, 2014
911 was the worst occurrence period and the fact that you are still grieving is alright, that was your Dad. None of us will ever forget where were we or what we were doing at that moment. Sending you lots of hugs. Put aloe vera and Vitamin E on your forehead for fast healing. Loved the pictures, so special!
sarahbaby. ⋅ November 10, 2014
God I can't even believe it. I'm so so sorry. 9/11 Toxicity Syndrome...god.
I know it's a stupid cliche, but we do all grieve in our own ways, and there's no "correct" way. Know that you are wholly surrounded and lifted up by love, here.
Deleted user ⋅ November 10, 2014
I'm so sorry.
You are such a beautiful writer.
banker chick ⋅ November 10, 2014
Oh hon how I can relate. I functioned on autopilot for a long time afterward. I won't say it gets easier. It doesn't. You just learn to cope. Certain things, mundane things, still cause me to ugly cry sometimes, and it's been 4.5 years. It'll be like that forever, I imagine. But all you can do is what you know how to do, and you will muddle through as best you can. Then one day, life will throw you a bone and you'll feel a little better. Lots of hugs to you. I'm not here much anymore but I'd love to keep in touch if you'd like. I think of you often. <3
Jigger ⋅ November 10, 2014
I've been thinking about you, too. And my heart aches for you and your siblings and your mom.
Are they going to do further treatments on your poor head? It's not chemo- or radiation-worthy, is it? I know it's not the most important thing, but you have such lovely hair. Fifteen years ago, my mom underwent cancer treatment; she said losing her hair was worse than losing a breast--but it came back all gorgeous. I...may not be the best at finding things to say. But I have missed your writing. Take what time you need, though.
santa monica ⋅ November 10, 2014
sometimes there are just no words. don't feel like there is a "right" way to grieve. there isn't. just give yourself permission to feel and know that we are all here supporting you.
dancerd ⋅ November 10, 2014
Oh I've been thinking of you. I know it is difficult to function on a normal level. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
LeftisRight ⋅ November 10, 2014
Hugs!
Deleted user ⋅ November 10, 2014
So sorry for your loss . Hugs and prayers...
hot-lips ⋅ November 11, 2014
Hugs. I can't imagine what it's like losing a parent. Going through the motions and staying busy is what keeps a lot of people together at times like these, but it's important not to bottle your emotions also. It's natural to want to grieve and cry. I don't believe in the cliched saying that time heals, but it simply becomes less painful. Love your fringe, it looks great! Such a pain styling it though. I had one last year and I couldn't wait to grow it out, it was always in my eyes and annoying me. lol Thinking of you. xxx
pandora ⋅ November 11, 2014
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you have A.
lessoff ⋅ November 11, 2014
it sucks to lose a loved one. the first year is the hardest.
my dad was a giant dickhead (but i still loved him, after all he was MY dad) he died in 2005. over the years the bad stories have disappeared from my memories and i started telling good funny stories about him. time heals all wounds. recently i had a miscarriage, i decided that i gave my baby up to my dad (cause im not an ultra religious person) that makes me feel better.
Manhattan ⋅ November 11, 2014
Gentle hugs to you my dear. I read back the etiology/memories you wrote about him and I could see him shining out in who you are today. He must have been so proud of you. Please make your follow up appointments? Or get the hero A to do it for you? Xxx
AlmostGenuine ⋅ November 11, 2014
I'm glad to hear from you, glad you are hanging in there, and... just keep on doing that, ok?
9/11. Wow. That makes me so angry on your behalf, all over again. I absolutely can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so glad A is there for you right now.
Bluesea ⋅ November 12, 2014
Big, big hugs to you. For a long time it seems impossible to think you will ever be happy and carefree again, but it will come.
Ginger Snap ⋅ November 12, 2014
Clearly I've been gone too long. I'm so sorry to read this. So very sorry. The photos made me cry. I'm thinking of you...sending love.
BlueEyedDevil ⋅ November 12, 2014
<3... glad to hear from you... sending you good thoughts. I'm so thankful you have A there with you.
Complicated Disaster ⋅ November 13, 2014
Thanks for updating. My heart goes out to you and your family. Xx
Deleted user ⋅ November 14, 2014
so sorry i didn't see what happened sooner. sending you lots of love and good thoughts. and good things! like candy.
xxx
aglow ⋅ November 20, 2014
It's healing, slow and steady, in between when you can't always see it <3
LotusButterfly ⋅ December 10, 2014
I cannot believe I missed all of this. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. There are no words, I wish I could give you a hug.
tranquil ⋅ December 17, 2014
I think all of your feelings in this are normal. The fall holiday season is rough for those who have just lost someone they love and I'm sorry you are going through this. I know this note is very late but just wanted to say I hope things get easier in time and that you find healing. As they say, time is really the only true healer when pertaining to loss. I'm glad you have A.
ps. the pictures of you & your father are beautiful.