So Much Frustration in Daily Writing
- Feb. 3, 2025, 12:19 a.m.
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- Public
I’ll admit it, I haven’t been on here much. Since the boyfriend left for training I’ve been struggling. He’s called when he can, and he’s always incredibly sweet and in just a few quick seconds is able to swipe away any of my anxieties. Of course, it’s Sunday, the day trainees usually get to call home and he hasn’t called yet, so a part of me is incredibly anxious. At the same time, I also know it’s likely he won’t call until after chow, so I need to remember to breathe. It’ll all be okay.
In the meantime, out of loneliness I’ve been spending more time on social media. I know it’s a problem for me, and no good can ever come from this. Unfortunately, my projects are almost all at stuck moments in time, aside from the curtains I have to make, which is a whole other kettle of fish. Because of this, social media has been sucking my brain. (Warning, this might get political, but not in a red vs blue kinda sense.)
One thing has been getting me all kinds of frustrated. I have so many friends on Facebook who have been posting, “I try to stay away from politics, but…” They say this like every single post they’ve made in the past 3-4 months hasn’t been political. It’s frustrating because I want to scream at them. If you try to stay away from politics but post one political thing that’s super important to you here and another there, then I believe you. If you “try to stay away from politics” but every post for over a quarter of the year is political, you’re not trying to stay away from politics anymore. You’re actively engaging. I could even see if it was one post a day, but then you post a dozen things that are not political. Then I could even say, “Okay, ridiculous, and clearly false, but maybe you just don’t see it.”
And I’m not even saying don’t post political stuff! I’m just saying don’t try to gaslight me into thinking this one issue is so incredibly important to you that you had to break your rule of not posting political stuff. That’s literally been everything, and this whole narrative of “I don’t post political things” is to create this manipulation, this idea that “I don’t do this normally, so pay attention because it’s important.” Unfortunately, it’s overused to the point where I see “I don’t post political things, but…” or “I try to stay away from politics, but…” because whatever it is, it’s just going to feel like more gaslighting with the hope that I’ll believe this one cause is important to you above all else. It’s selling a myth, a lie, and I’m expected to just consume it. I don’t even care what political spectrum you exist on, and whether it’s facts based and evidence based or full on conspiracy theories. If you try and frame it as being the one time you break your rule, it’d better be the one time, because I’m tired of hearing that people “stay out of politics” and then do nothing but stick their nose into politics! Stop lying to yourself!
Between that and people sharing “facts” about history that are not actually facts. “Did you know that women’s clothes don’t have pockets because companies wanted to prevent women from carrying seditious materials?!?” No… that is objectively untrue. When the cut of women’s clothing made pockets impractical, things like cigarette pants, wiggle dresses, and pencil skirts, pockets no longer worked. I mean, how would a big ole wallet look tucked in the pocket of that pencil skirt? Not very flattering… “Did you know that crosswalks exist because car manufacturers were trying to force people to stop being pedestrians?!?” Um… no… it’s because people were buying more cares so they could live in the suburbs and work in the city… which meant it was more dangerous for pedestrians. Increased traffic from carriages helped nothing either. “One of the richest men of our time donated 90% of his wealth to build libraries!” Um… no. He donated 90% of his wealth shortly before he died and would no longer have use for it, but it was not mostly for libraries, which sources indicate was less than 2000, and it was more like 10-20% of his wealth. He also donated to a foundation that had 7000 pipe organs made for churches, so he donated to a lot of varied things. You know how long it took me to prove all of those things untrue? Well, for the most part, about 30 seconds on Google. Why can’t people take 30 seconds to see if something is true before they share?
Well, on that topic, I can kind of understand the problems with fact checking political data. It’s sometimes ambiguous and it can be difficult to determine what the truth of the matter is. More than that, Google feeds you information based on your own biases too, so how can you get a truly unbiased, accurate, and fair assessment? I’m sure if you try hard enough you can, but it’s certainly not easy. So as much as I hate people saying they don’t share political stuff, I can also understand someone making their best efforts to fact check and still deciding to share because as far as they can tell it looks true, even if it’s not. Just be open to people showing you evidence that may prove your belief to be untrue. This is how discussion happens. This is how we get to the bottom of things, by looking at varied and diverse perspectives from a variety of sources.
Anyhow, with that rant over, I’m finding I’m just tired. I’m tired of all the fear mongering on social media. I’m tired of the conspiracy theories. More than anything, I’m tired of being isolated and lonely where we live. I don’t really know anyone and I don’t truly want to get established. I’m tired of the whole once a week phone calls. I’m tired of pretending to be sympathetic to people when I really want to tell them all I just don’t have the spoons. I’m sorry things are stressful, but I have enough of my own stress right now.
And my boyfriend, for all the ways he frustrates me, has been sweet as ever. He’s been supportive. He reminds me that he’s proud of me. He tells me how much he realizes he misses me, even in situations when it makes me uncomfortable, like when he said he realized how much he missed me when he was at church. I don’t know that his religious beliefs will ever stop making me uncomfortable, but I get that his intentions are sweet, and when in training, your options are church or more time in the barracks, so I can’t blame anyone, even a non-religious sort, for choosing church. Hell, a part of me has considered it myself, just for association and a place to meet people, but I don’t think I could ever make that happen. I just don’t think I’d feel comfortable.
I just hate this separation. I’ll admit to being spoiled by daily phone calls, telling him everything I think and feel. I’ve been spoiled by getting his thoughts in real time, and the constant assurance and validation that he wants me in his life. Sometimes I start thinking that maybe he’s had a chance to call and has decided on his family, not me, and how would I ever know? I suppose if weeks went by and he didn’t call, I’d probably start to take the hint, or at least suspect something was up. Still, I know it’s more about me than him at this point. I’ve had a rough past, and part of growing and healing from that past is being aware that I don’t need his constant validation to feel secure. Honestly, the big reason it’s getting to me is because everything else is in so much of a state of flux right now. My life was just turned on its head and at the same time, he’s suddenly gone. That’s taking my sense of security, and with it, my comfort in our relationship is strained.
It also doesn’t help that, just like I swore I wouldn’t, my whole aesthetic has changed. Some of that is because of practical reasons. My fantastic collection of skirts require dry cleaning if they get dirty. Jeans and tees can be thrown in the wash, and my flannels, at worst, need to be hit with an iron. I’m wearing jeans, flannels, t-shirts, and hoodies instead of my usual stuff. I’m talking about going a nice, summery blonde, and I’ve perpetually got a hat with a brim because the sun is just too intense for someone who gets migraines. I swore I wouldn’t change, and yet I have. As much as I know he’ll feel way more comfortable with me fitting in just a little bit more, I also worry that he’s going to be upset that I’ve changed. When we got together I was all goth, which was a lot of the appeal. Now I’m nowhere near that, and while I feel like we’ve kind of grown into my new physical appearance together, it’s also intimidating because I don’t want him to feel like I’ve changed the moment he’s gone.
It’s all just frustrating, and I’m stressed, which helps nothing. I’m not sleeping, which helps even less. I’m anxious about him not being my stability, which only compounds to it. Seeing everyone freak out online claiming they “don’t post political things, but this…” and noting how many people have become obsessively political. If I didn’t see those disclaimers on every dang post, I could probably relax a bit, but it just adds to my stress. It leaves me with a whole lot of “can we not” at the end of the day. I think… I need to get myself a snack, and maybe just kick my feet up and unwind for a bit… with something that’s not on social media.
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