I haven't been here in a awhile in Many things

Last Halloween I hung out at a party at my brother’s place where my intoxicated cousin thanked me for playing a big role in his personal growth when we were kids. He talked about how I always deviated from the norm to find things that genuinely resonated with me. How I would find my own path and not follow what was laid out. I looked at this eyes and they were sincere. He told me that it gave him the confidence to get out of his comfort zone. And he just thanked me again, and again.

I was the kind of kid that parents would tell their kids not to hang out with… but for some reason they would gravitate towards me anyway. The best way I can describe myself then was that I was my authentic self. I was confident in what I wanted to do. I was punished… a lot. And perhaps I could have used a better form of discipline other than getting beaten with whatever that was around, but still, eventually I was happy again.

At some point the negativity felt overwhelming. It felt as though a switch had been turned off and I felt vulnerable. I lost the trust that I had in myself. I spoke less. I barely went out anymore. I lost that part of me that made me, me. I didn’t realize it then but there were also these invisible shackles that slowly pulled me further away.

I was stuck, hopeless, incapable, unmotivated, and disconnected from who I used to be.

A decade and a half later, some time around 2019 I came across something on YouTube that resonated with me. The only problem is, a lot of the time people talk about the problem without the answer. I was glad I found a piece of the puzzle, but I was still stuck. There was a point where I didn’t think escape was possible. I wanted to end everything because it felt suffocating.

In Spring 2023 I came across a book. It honestly felt like some sort of divine intervention or maybe a glitch in the matrix where I wasn’t supposed to have this information because it removed those shackles.... and gave me back my will power, so easily. (This part is something you’d have to experience in order to understand)

I had a terrible withdrawal period at first. I constantly found myself feeling miserable. What felt like a burden pushing down on my shoulder often made me fall to my knees and cry.

And then one summer day of 2024 I felt alive in the middle of Central Park. Throughout that summer I lived more than I have in the past 2 decades. I met a lot of people, made so many friends, went to a lot of places, and I did so much. It’s also when I hung out with my cousin that day.

It only lasted 104 days.