11:07pm in 日記

Although this is an anonymous site, I wonder if I write all of my feelings will my s/o find this site one day.

Will they snoop in my history, or catch me writing a post deep in the night and press me for answers.

Nothing truly feels like it’s mine or sacred to me. I will always have thoughts and feelings that I could process through writing but instead keep them inside because I’m worried what my partner may feel or think if he ever read them.

I guess I could write it on paper and burn it, rip it up and throw it away, etc. But, nothing beats the charm of an entry that you can come back to later. Being able to reread your thoughts with new eyes and a new perspective.

There is also the guilt aspect. You feel guilty you even have these hidden thoughts. But, nothing is perfect. No one is without some remaining stains on their mental.

I feel more so guilty that I’m still ruminating on these things because it’s been years. I’m supposed to be over these things by now, so why do I still think about them daily?

It almost feels like a form of OCD. I can’t be tethered to Earth and humbled if I don’t think about them before I sleep.

If I don’t think of them they won’t think of me.

But reality is, no matter how much I think of them I will never really know if they have thought about me in the past four years themself.

Another cycle in the percolator.