12:23am in 日記

Tired and stressed.

Tomorrow I have a “big” day at work. I have to be a sales woman. My job is to entertain kids, get pictured and videoed, and then sell the fantasy to their parents.

This is my third time doing it so I’m still very awkward with it. Last time I did it, one of the people there had a lot of critic and advice to give.

I wasn’t mad or sad about it, but, it makes the experience feel worse when you know someone is watching you for that sole reason.

If I could just hang out with the kids and do the whole parents thing without judgement, easy day.

But no, tomorrow my boss’s boss AND my boss’s, boss’s boss is watching. So, all the big wigs are watching me perform something I’m barely comfortable with and 0% confident in.

I need time and practice to feel good about something and build confidence. I never feel good enough after the first rodeo, not even the second or third either.

I feel like there is a tight noose around my neck already and I’m just pending when they’ll knock me off the edge and snap my neck.

I tell myself there is nothing I can do that will change tomorrow, so, I have to just accept it and try my best. I wish that I had the personality for kids. I feel like these events really showcase that I am not a happy, upbeat person like they want me to be.

Maybe in another universe I’m an amazingly outgoing person who loves to talk and have fun but in this lifetime I’m tired, boring, and antisocial.

The silver lining is I can’t be worse than my coworker but the bar is in hell for him so, it’s not that hard.

I really don’t want my bar to even be bordering hell, but, it’s just not in me to be the crazy, fantastically energetic teacher they want me to be.

I need a job where I can sit at a desk and stare at a computer all day.