12:39am in 日記

I’m tired. I’m always tired.

I’m trying to think of things to say, but my life is just work.

I guess if I were to update about work, my update would be that I find myself having to be the iron fist every time it’s needed.

Many of the kids are great, but of course, no child is perfect. We have a few kids who struggle with listening, following directions, and respect. My coworkers allow the kids to walk all over them, so, they have learned that their behavior is OK and without consequences.

I am not a mean teacher by any means. I let the kids have fun, they’re kids. They get loud, they get messy, and sometimes they mess up on accident. That’s life. But there are moments I feel that need intervention. They need someone to make it clear that their behavior is bad and shouldn’t be repeated.

So, why does it always have to be me? Seeing as… my Japanese is limited and almost non-existent so I can’t truly “open their eyes” like my coworkers can.

But, my Japanese coworkers claim that they don’t intervene because the student’s parents “can be difficult.”

Kids who are rule followers or occasionally a little bad like me as a teacher. They appreciate the respect I give them and they benefit by feeling like my “friend.”

And the kids who are consistently bad view me as the devil who walks among them. I am the teacher who ruins everything in their life. Boohoo.

My job isn’t to be their friend or to make them like me. I don’t feel a pain in my chest knowing a kid doesn’t like me.

When officials came for school checks, they told my boss that I am the strictest out of the teachers. I am the only one who is regularly reinforcing positive behavior or ironing out negative behavior.

Their advice was to stop making me the bad cop and to help control the clear behavior problem at the school. The officials were appalled by how some of the kids speak or act towards their teachers.

They were also surprised that our only male teacher is actually less strict compared to me. But, I personally don’t think gender has much to do with anything it’s all based on personality, patience, and emotional intelligence.

Jordan has low patience, he gets angry fast (unwarranted occasionally) and his punishments are things the kids don’t understand. Punishment being a very annoyed “talking to” in both fast and complex English. Real helpful seeing as they’re just learning what “I like to eat hamburgers,” is in English.

The kids stare at him in a dazed confusion, he gets more annoyed and remarks “You don’t understand what I’m saying,” and walks away.

Then they look at me for help, their eyes confused and pleading. It’s almost hard not to feel bad for them in that moment.

Anyways, time to get some sleep so I can wake up bright and early and ruin some more eight-year-olds lives. Oh, how the hatred in their beady little eyes fuels me.