last goodbye in 2014

Oct 31, 2014
10:39am

I haven’t written in a while. And I’d probably still mostly be avoiding it but sometimes you have to get the thoughts out. I have to rehash things before it becomes a giant blur in my mind. Some stuff you just don’t want to forget, even if it doesn’t much matter in the grand scheme of things. :)

There’s still a Seattle entry I have to post, and one I haven’t written that may or may not get done. I’m about to head out of town again so I wanted to type something up before I left. It always gets kinda overwhelming to have all these things to talk about and not having the motivation [thank you lifelong procrastination!] to write it all out. That’s why I’m glad I got at least half the Seattle stuff down. The rest is mostly just, “hanging with Marie, drinking, talking, drinking, helping brother move, ect,” so I guess it wouldn’t be horrible if it were never written. =) I’ll work on it though!

I went over to Ck’s last night. [ha! you had to know this was leading here]

He’s moving. Like he needs to be out of his place by the end of today. He’s only moving back to his mom’s place for now, about an hour away, but it still feels pretty final. To the point where I drove all the way out there at 10pm just to hang out for a couple hours. I really didn’t want him to leave without being able to say “goodbye”, even if, I guess, the words were never actually said. =\

[Sidenote: my mom was really not happy about that decision * See previous entry. I felt like this was long enough without the extra ranting and raving about my hurt feelings.]

And I didn’t mean to go off on a rant, but she’s the one that doesn’t get it.
He’s the only friend I’ve made here since I moved back home [three years ago!] and he’s leaving. I just wanted to say bye. [And I can’t seem to figure out how to say this to her without tears coming to my eyes, not just because of him, but because I finally had someone to hang out with…]

So anyway! I actually got the nerve to contact him Monday night and we’ve been texting a lot since then. I’d made a joke about how he’s been quiet and I thought he’d be out in the middle of Alaska by now. That turned into him asking if I’d only hang out with him in Alaska and when I said it wasn’t only up to me, he gave me one of those you can visit “anytime, anywhere” things. I said I’d warned him about that statement, he said he was sleeping with a baseball bat just in case, and I joked about not sleeping and needing someone to help me drink the beer. He said he’d be home that night and put the bat away. haha! Quick turn-around.

I’m trying to summarize this conversation as best I can. heh.

Somehow we got to how I should go help him shampoo the carpets. When I asked what was in it for me, he said, “Beer.....And me!” hmmmm? ;] Of course I asked if that was all. haha. I’m cool like that. So we eventually got to my collecting on this deal and he said I had two nights. I asked about the neighbors [which would have totally stopped me from even contemplating the idea] and he said they were gone. I said a good drink might be a nice final sendoff and then I went to sleep. He responded and said he’d need a couple and then the next morning shot me another text asking if I’d had a whiskey sour. Which just so happens to be my current drink of choice. I picked it up in Seattle. He said he wanted to try it and I asked if that was what we were drinking that night [yesterday]. He told me it sounded like a good plan.

So I rolled with it. Because he’s never expressly asked me over, and he seemed really into the idea, and kept bringing it up. I couldn’t miss the opportunity. The time started at 7:30. Then he got stuck doing things so it moved to 8:30. Followed soon after by a “gonna need a rain check” text. =( And I was totally bummed.

He said he hated being a flake and I told him not to worry about it. When he said he wasn’t worried, I started teasing him about being offended since he got me all excited and then ditched me. He said he felt bad, but it was going to be really late for me. I asked how late and he said around 9. I told him that it was kind of our last chance until he moves to Alaska. :-) We basically decided it was happening after that but I had to wait for him to get home. And he drives so slow!

That’s why I didn’t end up heading out there until 10pm and it takes about 20 minutes or so. I always want to drive really fast on those back-roads but then I remember that giant animals can pop out at me and that’s probably not a good combo. I wonder who taught me to be responsible like that? =|

I was messing around in the car when I finally got there. I almost wasn’t sure that he’d made it home before me. hah. But just as I was about to open the door, he showed up next to the car. I grabbed the Irish Death [which we didn’t even drink and is back in my fridge], gave him a hug, and we walked to his place. He joked about how I didn’t have to park so far away, but I’m so used to parking in front of the neighbors. Also he joked about my actually showing up, which is something he does, because I think he doesn’t know a lot of people that would just show up out there to hang with him. He’s kinda fun though.

We got to his place and stood outside staring at the weird cat and talking. Eventually went in, grabbed a couple beers he bought [Miller Fortune, which I’m pretty sure I introduced him to. hah] and stood in the kitchen a minute before he suggested we sit outside. It’s always so nice out there. Quiet, yet noisy. If that makes sense? I don’t know. It’s nature! So it’s quiet in the sense that there’s no human noise, I guess.

It took us a couple moments of silence before we really started talking, but once we did, I’m not sure we stopped again until I left at almost 2am. =) It was nice. It’s always nice. I’m glad we finally reached the stage where we can hang out in person, without other people around, because I learn so much more about him and I basically spend the entire time laughing. Just the stuff he says.

He gave me history lessons and taught me about his family’s business [some crazy soil sample kinda deal]. I happened to ask about this huge manual he had sitting on the floor right at the moment where I was buzzing and I have no idea what he said, but it sounded super smart. haha! It was like a parts manual and he knew all these big words and definitions that came out like gibberish to me. I was impressed. ;)

We talked music. Family. Moving. Fresh starts. Cars. Travel. Halloween: he commented on my socks and I told him all about my 2nd favorite holiday and how I hadn’t been home for one in years. He told me his friend’s having a halloween party Saturday. Apparently he’s dressing up in a suit [because it’s a good excuse to wear one hah] and was sorta inviting me along until he remembered I was going to Texas. Mentioned it a couple times too. Like if I decided not to go I should let him know. haha. Right. I’ll just cancel the plane tickets and ditch work. No problem. =]

I can’t think of what else we talked about. I’m sure more will come back to me in time. We didn’t actually drink that much. Only two beers and never even got around to the Irish Death. We moved inside at some point. He was cold. Poor thing. haha. He’d already gone inside for a jacket [another shirt?] and a bit later when he was grabbing us another beer, I walked inside and told him we didn’t have to go back out there. We stood around inside and I was just kinda looking at everything. I asked about some fence boards he had leaning against the wall and he told me that if I didn’t laugh, he’d show me what he did with them. I guess he was embarrassed by his messy bathroom but he’s in the middle of a move so I don’t judge. It was probably cleaner than my brothers. hah.

Turns out he was using the wood for the bathroom sink. Like the top of the counter had this beautiful multi-colored slate tiles and the bottom was made out of the wood. At least the doors on the cabinets were all fabricated out of it. He said he’d been working on the project but the owners [he was renting] didn’t seem that interested in fixing anything around the place so he gave up. It was pretty stunning though. When he joked about kinda wanting to take it with him, I said he could drop it off at my place. The contrast between the fancy looking slate and the old wooden doors was kind of amazing. He said he’d just build me a new one since it would be too much work to remove that one. ha. I wish!

And there was this painting tacked to the living room wall, it looked like a watercolor, of a mountain and a sunset sky with a tiny tree atop the mountain. I asked about it and he made a joke about it being covered in dust. Even blew on it to show me. heh. But all I could think about was how beautiful it was and how envious I was of his artistic talent. I always have these amazing pictures in my head but they come out like stick-figured child’s play when I attempt to create them. He doesn’t even seem to realize the talent he’s got.

So he ended up grabbing the chairs from outside and we spent the rest of the time sitting in his living room talking about all things. I noticed that he’d started yawning, and I had stopped drinking so driving wouldn’t be an issue, so I said I should probably go. There was a joke about how I’d tried to look at my watch several times but never actually seen it. I don’t know why that kept happening! Probably just my brain wanting to be polite even though I didn’t want to leave.

It was almost two o’clock though when I left. He stood up and I followed suit. I knew he had a lot to do and I didn’t want to keep him up any later. [In a funny coincidence I spent exactly four hours there, the same amount that I spent last time. That seems to be our limit. hah] There’s always a lot of this hesitating/stalling thing going on when we part ways. Like first we were inside, then outside, and then he finally asked if he needed to walk me to my car. I said yes because it was scary out there [there’d been a lot of weird noises when we were sitting outside earlier and I admitted to being afraid of the dark and not having the guts to live out there on my own]. So he walked me, we talked a bit more, laughed about that darn cat climbing on my car, and I went in for a hug. I swear he hung on a little tighter, but it could have easily been my imagination. He left quickly after that. I told him that if he was ever in town again, he knew where to find me. He said he’d probably be around quite often; needing a break from his family and all [where he’s staying temporarily until he decides where to go].

[He actually assured me of this a lot. Like mentioning several times that he’d still be around and what not. But it still mostly feels pretty final....]

I got into my car and drove off after that. Probably shouldn’t have accelerated the way I did around the first turn because I’m pretty sure I hit a rabbit. =( Which I sent him a text about after I got home and he told me not to worry about it. I thanked him for keeping me grounded and not letting me get too sentimental over the animals. haha. He’s got the whole hunting perspective thing going on and I’m all about animals with feelings and not wanting to hurt them.

Like that weird cat he’s got. It just showed up at their place a while ago and it’s super friendly and attention-needing. Like it was all rubbing up on us while we sat outside. A couple times it tried to jump into my lap but I wouldn’t let it. Ck told me to push it off the banister and I refused. He thought it would be a good addition to my bucket list. That jerk! :P He tortures that poor cat and it just keeps coming back for more. [I bet it’s going to be super lonely if he left it there] At one point he picked it up by its tail and was just holding it in the air. I yelled at him to put it down and hit his arm. Except I felt really weird doing that so I pulled back instantly and barely tapped him. He did it again, not long after, and I don’t know. Maybe he wanted me to hit him again? hah. But it was so strange the first time that I didn’t even reach out. Just told him to put the cat down.

I don’t know. We just got to this place where we’re kinda more than pseudo-friends and he’s not being as shy anymore. It doesn’t feel right to openly “flirt” with him, or any of this reaching out and touching stuff. Even if sometimes I sorta really want to. =\

I noticed that something seemed totally different about him last night but I couldn’t pinpoint it. Then this morning I realized that it was probably because he had his shirt untucked! haha! I know it’s crazy, but I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve seen him with his shirt not tucked into his jeans. And now that I think about it, it might have been the first time I’d seen his arms too. Like I can’t remember him ever having his sleeves rolled up around me. Is that totally insane? I mean he’s got this whole cowboy thing going on so he’s always in those long-sleeved shirts that are tucked to show off belt-buckles. hah. So weird. I knew there was something different going on but it never occurred to me that it would be something like that. Thinking about it though, I totally noticed when he was standing up by the sliding glass door, watching the cat, and his shirt was hanging down low.

I think maybe part of it is because he doesn’t look as skinny when it’s not tucked in. Because he’s tiny and it’s always kinda weird to be around a guy that’s like half your size, so I like it better when he doesn’t seem that small. And I’m not really that big, but he’s got this tall lanky thing going on. I almost hate to admit it, but he definitely seemed a little more attractive with that long shirt hanging low. ;-)

Too bad he’s moving. I doubt he’d ever stick around this area for long. He doesn’t quite seem to fit in and it’s super expensive cost of living around here. Plus he doesn’t know what he wants to do in life. I don’t envy that part. Not knowing what direction you want to take your life. He’s got this chance to start over, do and be whatever he wants, and he can’t figure it out. My life sorta got decided for me and part of me is grateful that I didn’t have to figure it out on my own. It’s so much easier when it’s decided for you. I wish him luck though. I think he’s going to need it.

And I’m sad to see him go. Maybe last night wasn’t our final good bye, but you never know, it very well could have been. I don’t want to think about it too much. The whole making friends and losing them thing. That always spirals down into my “cursed life” and how everyone leaves me. Blah, blah, blah. I refuse to walk down that road. It’ll all work itself out. It’s been that way since the day we met and I’m not about to complain and/or interrupt the process. I mean, I won’t hold my breath or anything, but I won’t [or try not to] question it either.

It’ll happen the way it’s supposed to. =)

Time for bed now. I’ve got a lot going on these days. Halloween was a pretty good success. I’ll try to write more about that later. I’ve got to get ready for this next trip and I need sleep. Two days of waking up in the middle of the night, followed by staying out until 2am, was probably not my best decision in a while, but I don’t regret it for a second!

rose.
11:42pm [I got distracted by above mentioned Halloween]