Hi Future me,
There’s something that I learnt by mistake a few years ago. One time I wanted to make a decision quickly and i just count down from 5 to 1 and moved immediately. It always worked.
However, at some point I stopped doing it, and I don’t know why. Just like everything else in my life :(
Well, I was reading a book yesterday called The 5 seconds rule by Mel Robbins and I saw the rule. It’s amazing how human experiences is not so different regardless of where you look.
Anyway, that rule is the reason I decided to make yesterday’s diary entry, after 2 weeks of not writing. I’ve not used it today though.
See, it’s almost like I know I can fix my life, I know what to do, but I don’t want to. Almost like this feeling of helplessness has become home. I’m so familiar with being a ‘weakling’ that I don’t want to leave; I don’t know what I’ll be if I’m not here feeling sorry for myself.
Somehow ‘weakling’ feels like home; feels familiar; feels comfortable.
Man, I’m very sick.
I don’t know what to do to fix my mind. I wish my will and emotions would somehow get reset.
I know that is possible, it has happened to me before. But it’s almost like God believes in me too much to just wipe that off. He thinks I can do this.
Can I?
Now I understand why we became powerful in the future: if I truly beat this my mind, if I do become in control of my own mind and soul, nothing can stand on my way.
Anyway, I’m not going to write about the past 2 weeks yet. I just want to keep pushing now.
Even though my mind is still a shitshow, I believe I can take actions regardless of my feelings. I’ll try that as much as I can.
Right now, I need to:
work for 5 hours today
track, record and reconcile my finances
That seems like something I don’t want to do. I want to play Call of Duty and spend time on Netflix shorts, and get a girl in my house. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to do anything reasonable, but maybe I will.
Maybe. Maybe I will do what I don’t want to do.
See you tomorrow.
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