Mandatory Vacation in New Beginnings
- Oct. 27, 2014, 5:48 p.m.
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- Public
My company is sort of forcing me to take a vacation. We’re on a company-wide retreat, two days of meetings at a resort at Stone Mountain. Tomorrow, we’re supposed to divide into groups and brainstorm ideas how to grow our company. I’ve got other things I need to catch up on, but seeing as how everyone else is on this trip, I don’t mind taking the time off. After all, I don’t have to worry about coming back to an email account back logged with requests. Besides, it’s an excuse to stay in a swanky hotel and enjoy some incredible food. Considering that almost the rest of my vacation days get absorbed by visiting my dad during Thanksgiving and Christmas, this actually feels like a reprieve, even if my daylight hours are absorbed by work. Staying with my dad isn’t so much a vacation as it is an exercise in coping with his hoarding.
It’s peculiar how some experiences you grew up with, experiences you thought you outgrew, are ingrained in you. Our meals are in a restaurant in the hotel. When I arrived for lunch and dinner today, most everyone else was already there. I immediately flashed back to high school lunch in the cafeteria. I didn’t have any friends to sit with in high school, so I ate by myself. Ultimately, I stopped eating lunch all together and spent my lunches studying in the library. I had to force myself beyond that in college. After all, I got my meals from the school cafeteria, and if I let that awkwardness stop me from eating, I’d starve to death pretty soon.
I guess I never really got over that disdain of being alone, I just adapted to it. Well, to be fair, it’s not that I don’t like being alone, I just don’t like being alone amongst a crowd. I’m perfectly okay to eat by myself at my cubicle or in my condo. I suppose not having to contend with those crowds allowed me to regain my sensitivity to them. As soon as I walked into the restaurant for dinner, I immediately went on alert, looking for someone to join. “That table’s full. So is that one. What about that group, it has empty seats? Oh, those empty seats have dishes and glasses, people must be sitting there.” I eventually acquiesced to sit by myself, when some coworkers with an empty seat invited me over. The crazy thing is, I rarely feel comfortable sitting with others. I seldom have anything to contribute to their conversations, so I’m afraid my silence makes them feel uncomfortable. Then, when I’m ready to leave, which is always before they are, I feel rude wanting to excuse myself.
Sometimes, I wonder what fitting in is like. I honestly can’t remember a time where I fit in. I never clicked with people at church. I’ve never connected with my peers in school. Even in recreational activities I wanted to do, like Tae Kwon Do, I wasn’t able to befriend anyone. The closest I ever got was that girl who spent a couple of nights cuddling with me because she was trying to seduce me. That obviously didn’t last. Maybe some people are just meant to be alone. If such is the case, I’m certainly one of them.
Last updated November 04, 2014
Star Maiden ⋅ November 01, 2014
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