Sun and Moon in 2014

Things still drag on. Most things are the same as they were last entry. I’m still in a weird limbo at work where they have yet to approve or deny my time off requests for wrestling training. I also have yet to gain an interview for a job with better pay and/or scheduling. Work isn’t bad, I just want more. Why not want more? If it comes to it, I am prepared to quit for a lesser-paying job that gives me the times off I need, so that I can try out wrestling.

I’m working on being happier. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress the last couple years, but there seems to be much work to be done. I met up with Scott 2.0 a few nights ago when he was over in Wilsonville. Originally he was supposed to move up here with us and work at the Hillsboro center. His life has radically changed in several months. He makes twice as much as he used to working for his brother and seems happy. He is a far cry from the guy I met a couple years ago. He’s less forgetful, happier, more successful with women and with finance. He’s certainly been the catalyst for my own attempts to improve, mostly with women but also with other stuff, and he’s sent me a few links to youtube videos, TED Talks and downloads for PDFs about happiness and dating.

Anyway, it was great catching up with him. I’ve started meditating after hearing about his own successes. Just a few minutes in the morning going along with a youtube video. It does feel quite calming. We’ll see if my forgetfulness lessens as he claims his has. By talking to him and thinking about the the mostly annoyed view I have with my roommates I’ve realized that a lot of the fault is on me. I do run from things and refuse to deal with them quite a bit. They’re always in the living room when I want to play Rocksmith or do yoga, so I do it another time or not at all. Things like that. I’m just going to start doing what I want to do, it shouldn’t be a big deal for them to find something else to do for a bit. Things like that I usually don’t bring up and just let fester, so I’m going to work on being more direct and honest. I also conferred with him about a moral area that used to be very black and white, but feels far more gray lately.

I’m referring to a female friend that I’ve gotten to know well since moving up here. She has a boyfriend, so I’d considered her off-limits. However, I am extremely attracted to her, and I can tell she is attracted to me. I am sure if I asked about it she would say no, but I can tell by her actions. I’ve been noticing these things a lot more as I’ve been reading some of the self-help stuff. Actions tell far more than words, and not just in dating. I’ve decided to make a move when there is an appropriate time, consequences be damned. Several days later I went to Fright Town with her and her boyfriend, whom I had not previously meant. He seemed like a negative, pity-inducing person, not unlike I used to be. Very insistent on accuracy and political correctness, to the point of being obviously abrasive. His workplace was brought up, and I asked how being a receptionist was(that was the term she had used to describe his position). He became annoyed, changed his tonality, and spit out whatever the exact term was. Even when she was slightly inaccurate about things, he would correct her in a grating way that always seemed to silence her. I found her standing closer to me than him, our arms often touching against each other while in line. Nothing overt, such as holding hands, just a close proximity and a lot of her facing me intently during conversations. A small amount of time to make a judgment, nevertheless not what I expected from a relationship of over five years.

And therein lies the conundrum. She is taken, even if it is with weakness and mediocrity. I crave her, and I am convinced she craves me, even if only physically. In the past I would have only found it wrong and made no attempts. Now I aim to possibly win her over, even if it risks destroying our friendship. I pine for her not only as a simple craving, but also to steel myself. I need to put the things I have been learning into practice. It is wrong, I won’t deny that. I also feel that if she cares about him strongly, she would have no desire to do anything. I’m not interested in any maliciousness or coercion. Honestly, the first girl I slept with allegedly had a boyfriend at the time, though that was all-around an odd situation. I feel I need to do this. I aim at mastering the light aspects of myself, but I must also master the darkness, or what seems like darkness. One of the things the book I’ve read stressed is that as a great man, you make women feel great. You spread happiness, be it through company or intimacy. You must love and enjoy women, and not harbor any bitterness. I used to be very bitter. Toward women I no longer am, I can say honestly. Toward some people I know there is a little, and I’m working on eliminating that. I’m not sure I believe the part where it says that many people never experience actual passion in their lives, they just find someone decent enough and settle. I do think she is settling. I would like to show her in my own selfish way how much more there is out there.

As I examine the lessons, I think back to the various situations in my life that I’ve failed at romantically. I’ve begun to see why things didn’t work, why they ended the way and at the time they did. Even some old scars have started to heal somewhat, at the knowledge that even if things had played out differently, the end result would have been the same. I wouldn’t have been able to keep them. I couldn’t offer enough, I wasn’t strong enough, confident enough. They would have simply found another who was, as is their right. And that takes some of the pain of the past away. Situations of failed despair become sources of positive introspection, the best thing that I could hope for in the absence of any recent interactions to test out my theories.

I am focused on dating, but I know that there is a lot of change that needs to be done. I like to think of myself as a relatively warm person, and have regrets about those that I could not keep in touch with. However, right now there are so many connections slowly being lost that I could salvage. People that I should be talking to, keeping up with, even getting to know again if it’s been several years. I certainly have changed, perhaps they have too. Family especially. It’s been over six years since I left my hometown. My brother was in middle school then, now he’s already done with a technical school and has a five-year old daughter. My mother got married again, divorced again, and is still trying to find her place in life. I’m even less sure about my dad. Whenever I call, which is not often, it doesn’t take me long to catch up with events and what’s new. There’s more to it than that. I feel like if I called more often, I’d talk far more with my family. I’d hear their thoughts on things, their reactions, their plans on what to do. More feeling, less reports. It’s not something I’m used to. I’m used to isolation, silence, independence. Some of that is worth maintaining, and some of it has been holding me back from being happy, I’m certain.

I feel like I know less than I ever have, but what I do know is true, pure, concrete. I can depend on it. I am starting to view things I don’t have as not missing pieces to fill voids, but rather great things that I haven’t discovered yet. I’m complete as it is, but I’m only going to improve. Short story long, I mean well, even if some of the things I may do may not be so great. I’m going to become a person who does what he wants to do without shirking away and refusing to face the consequences.