…did I go F.O.?
It feels a little embarrassing and maybe even a little woo-woo, but I want to write it out.
I guess I started thinking about how Klaus told me about what he does in cyberspace and how he goes into old hard drives of old writers and digs through their deletions and how nothing is really deleted. And nothing is truly hidden. I’m sure if he or some other geek wanted to get into my F.O. diary they certainly could. I don’t have that much to hide, anyway.
And then I started thinking about how, when I started writing in an online journal (OpenDiary in 1999), we were ALL totally anonymous, and that thought thrilled me. I loved the idea of spewing out all of my innermost thoughts and feelings into a box and that I could actually PUBLISH those words and strangers could read them. And offer feedback!
Flash forward years, decades…eras later. Now, we are not anonymous strangers. Many of us have met in real life. We’ve gone on vacations together. We’ve had dinners and drinks together. I’ve gotten to meet you while I was traveling on business trips and vice versa. You’ve sent me gifts, flowers, prayers, WEED (!!!) while I was going through cancer treatment!! As anonymous as I’ve tried to be when I’ve wanted to be, many of you know exactly where I live and what I do and who I am. You see my Instagram posts. And I adore you!
BUT! A few things have struck me hard during my time of self-discovery and growth these past few months. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to put this into words - it’s kind of just a feeling I get. And some of it has to do with hate-consuming (hate-watching, hate-scrolling, hate-reading, trolling, and the like).
I’m not proud of this, but I have been hate-stalking an Instagram famous-ish couple.
There’s an Instagram influencer whom I’ve followed for years. She lives in my former city, so she goes to a lot of places I know and recommends things and I’ve enjoyed (and been influenced by) some of her “lewks” and make-up hacks and yada yada. You know the type, right? It’s all lighthearted good fun. Or so it seems…
I have also followed her now-husband because before they got engaged, she kept him a secret for some reason (I know the reason… he was apparently cheating on his then-wife with her), but left clues as to who he was. And I crazily stalked my way into figuring it out - he’s a businessman and is a well-known figure back in those parts.
Okay, you’re following me, right?
So, EIGHT YEARS AGO, long before I knew these IG people were a couple, I visited one of this businessman’s establishments for my own amusement. It had nothing to do with the guy (promise!)…I just wanted to check the place out. And I posted a photo of myself while I was there.
And the businessman saw it, liked it, and started following me on Instagram.
Awesome, I thought! How cool is that? I love this guy’s establishment, and he is now following ME!
Before I knew it, he was liking everything I posted (many times he was the first to like!), and we were even DMing here and there. It never got too frisky, but I did develop a tiny crush on the guy. No biggie. This shit happens, and once I cyberstalked my way into figuring out that he was dating this IG influencer woman, I backed way off. In fact, I think she actually left me a comment a long, long time ago, insinuating that she knew he was “following” me. And I’m not trying to brag - I’m assuming that he was following a LOT of women and liking their posts just like he was doing with me. Attention seeking? Quite likely.
Ugh. This is getting long. Let me figure out how to tie a bow on this part.
The bottom line is, this couple has gotten OBNOXIOUS. They had an over-the-top wedding, they flaunt their wealth, they live a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous life together and…and… I guess I’ve been ridiculously jealous and OBSESSED with them.
…to the point of following a Reddit hate forum dedicated to trashing this woman and her husband.
Ugh. How gross is that. I was getting this sickening high reading about how others were also disgusted with how ostentatious and extravagant this couple is. And I’m mortified to even say this, but I chimed in a time or two. Or three.
And I suppose that was my rock bottom because over the weekend, I found myself obsessively clicking and clicking and clicking Instagram and the Reddit board over and over and I finally realized that this was incredibly destructive behavior and I was like WTF ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!!
I finally had to block both of them on Instagram so that I would STOP hate-scrolling!
So what does this even have to do with me locking my diary down a bit?
The Butterfly Effect. The energy that I want to put out into the world. AND the energy that I want to receive.
Many of you noted on my previous entry about going F.O. that I have a LOT of lurkers. There are actually a LOT more than you or I even realize (there have been many, MANY private noters that you didn’t even see, and just imagine how many lurkers there are who would never leave a note).
And now that I’m spending a lot of time working on bettering myself so that I can continue to grow better and better every day, I think I just started feeling more of an energy coming back to me, not only in notes that have been left both publicly and privately but…again, how to explain?
I just feel like, I don’t need to spend time and energy in a place where thoughtful and inspiring, growth-inducing energy isn’t coming back to me. And leaving this space wide open to anyone and everyone is an invitation for negative energy - whether I know it consciously or not.
That Instagram couple has NO idea I was sending negative vibes their way. It’s a TERRIBLE use of my time and energy and when I thought about it, I realized that they certainly don’t deserve that - EVEN though they don’t even know it!
And receiving that energy is also something I’d like to remove from this space. I know that the only way I can absolutely do that is by making private entries (even though I know Klaus could get into them and read, haha), and perhaps I’ll do that in addition to this friend-facing platform.
But those remaining on my Friends/Favorites, you are the ones I know, love, and value. I trust and believe that you send good energy my way. I know there is always risk in trusting like this, but there is risk in any relationship.
And I also know that there is NOTHING else in this world that matters more than relationships.
Thank you for being with me,
GS
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