June 10 reflections and stuff in Reflection’s

If anyone keeps up on me here, they know I have two Conure birds that are my life. Male and female, very different personalities. Their behavior amuses and at times irritates me. When I am home, I let them out of the cage and most the time I am at home. They have recently had an obsessive behavior of trying to open up cabinets and sometimes they get in and get lost. OK, I got in here. What the hell? Duh! They help me to practice being patient. I also know the neighbors will think I’m having one hell of an argument with somebody and maybe a fight when they hear me yelling at the birds in frustration. Their behavior is very interesting to me. The male bird knows I don’t like what he’s doing and it looks like he is taunting me by doing it. When it gets to be a bit too much, I just put them in the cage. On the more humorous side, they show great intelligence by being able to identify things I take out of the refrigerator. For example, tonight, I did not know where the birds were and I went to open the refrigerator and suddenly they were there near the refrigerator. I got out a bottle of tart cherry juice, and they got very excited trying to get at it. I shared a cup with them and got tears in my eyes, feeling so much love for them. Mondays are my get out of the house day. Amazingly Max knows this. She knows it as soon as I make breakfast. She literally clings to me and acts very loving, and if she could, I think she would say oh please don’t go. But I do go and when I shop, I wonder what I can get for them from the produce aisle. Fresh blueberries today. When I am eating something, they always have to see what it is. They amaze me and frustrate me with their personalities and intelligence. Of course, many times I called them stupid ass, but then remember how small they are yet how much intelligence they do have. Since I don’t plan on going anywhere tomorrow, I wonder how Max will be acting toward me.

I called my oldest brother today, and I made a point of not using any profanity. I felt good that I could and did. It was a short conversation. With old people or at least in my family I just ask how peoples health is. It’s a big thing. My oldest brother is always OK and so is my sister or at least she never tells me her health is bad. I’ve realized now that I’ve reached a certain age aside from an occasional journal entry conversations with the real humans are very short because there’s just no more bullshit to talk about no more drama no crisis maybe some health issue but thankfully not lately. I look back on my life and how I talked so much to people and I wonder how much I listened. So many conversations were just frivolous, stupid meaningless crap.

I have been trying to meditate on a more regular basis and often I have to stop because of what is going through my head. I will often go back and try again, but I do believe it has done much good for me. It’s made me more mindful and aware. I use my treadmill regularly and I thought I had a mental balance issue. No, I do not. I do have issue with blood flow to my toes. It makes my toes feel deadened. If I cannot feel a part of my body, I cannot use that part of the body. I now make a point of getting my feet more awareness when I do such a simple thing as walking. Awareness compensation. The treadmill use has helped a lot. I can breathe better. I have more energy when I’m in motion. I have a suspicion that the Prozac makes me feel sluggish in the morning despite coffee and so I now pick myself up and force myself to move instead of sitting and napping. Movement helps.

A former coworker died I think it was last week or the week before. Frustratingly there has been no obituary. But that’s their choice the family choice. I was looking at a photo I found on the Internet of the loading dock of the old factory now that it’s empty. The loading dock look like not much had changed. I felt a deep sadness, remembering just being there, joking around with buddy. It’s rare, I think that we can think of someone that died and have only good memories of them. I believe that too is how we can think of pets. If we are as kind and honest as animals, people will remember us that way. With the love so many of us have for animals. I think of three people I worked with at that factory that died and I feel good when I remember them because there was so much good in them for me to remember, and I was fortunate to know them that way.