Attempt #4, maybe succeeding? in Attempting to journal

Trigger Warning, miscarriage/baby loss
Oh it has been crazy, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a washer on spin cycle. So Friday my daughter had cramping and spotting. So off to the urgent care we go. They can’t tell anything, obvious things seem fine so they do an ultrasound but promptly tell us, they wouldn’t see anything anyway because she’s too early…well that was kinda pointless. They then do bloodwork and tell her to have it repeated on Monday. She spends the weekend worrying, including mothers day when she ends up bleeding heavier after walking around for the day. Monday, she gets the blood work repeated, and that brings us to today. Today sucked, I got up and went to get my van looked at because about once a month it struggles to start and i pray it’s nothing major. Spend the day at the nearby shopping complex and about 1pm I get a call that the only issue he can see is super old spark plugs and it needs a tune up. That’s good news, but it’s $350 to have done, so now I have to hope to find a kind soul to help or save up for a few months. He tells me i can get my car in an hour. About 30 min later my daughter calls me in tears. The results are back and they are devastating. The doc will call about 4:30 to talk about them but she needs me. As soon as I get my vehicle I head home. At 4:30 the doc calls and confirms she lost the baby. I know many don’t think of it that way because she’s so early, but she already bonded with the baby and she believes it’s a baby from conception. She comes into the livingroom to tell me, but she didn’t have to say a word. I looked up, saw the pain in her face and stood up. She came into my arms and just sobbed. We hugged and cried for a few long minutes before she sat down. She told her sisters, they left the room and we talked about it a bit. I want to help her so bad, but I’m finding I need to hold myself back. I’m broken, when it comes to feelings. When I hurt emotionally, my brain goes ” what do we do next so we can be done with the ow” and I tend to jump past mourning and right into next steps. At first I held her, comforted her, told her it’s not her fault. But about an hour later, I suggested she check out a grief group and as soon as I said it I realised I was jumping ahead. I had never even noticed that I do that before that moment, but it was like a sudden bolt of clarity. Like God said ” slow down, that’s not what she needs”. She wasn’t upset at all, even receptive of the idea, but I immediatly backtracked. I said ” I’m sorry hun, I don’t know why i said that, I’m jumping ahead, you don’t even worry about my suggestions, you just need to grieve” and she said it’s OK. She’s just so sad, and so am I, but my momma heart is breaking more for her. I hate seeing her in this pain and I can’t fix it. I can hold her, I can reassure her it’s not her fault but I’ve never even had a miscarriage so I can’t tell her what to expect, I can’t relate in a way that ONLY someone who’s been through it could. On top of that the world keeps spinning, she’s still homeless, still jobless, still only able to stay with me as long as my low income housing association doesn’t know. Of course I’m not bothering her with that today, it would be cruel and she needs to focus on healthy right now. But I’m the momma, I worry. I worry about these for her, so she can grieve but I can’t fix them. I can’t fix her hurt, I can’t fix her housing, I can’t fix her income, I can’t fix anything. I’m just watching her hurt, and I’m so very helpless. I’m also so heartbroken. It wasn’t perfect, but I was almost a grandma....almost.

Last updated May 15, 2024