May 14 reflections etc in Reflection’s

  • May 14, 2024, 11:26 p.m.
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Monday. I did my usual grocery shopping had fun talking to the manager manager of Aldi. I thanked him for talking to me because I don’t know many people these days. I rarely talk to people and I fear that when I do, the words may come out. I try to watch myself.

After getting my mail on Monday, I saw a neighbor sitting on her porch and I went up to talk to her and let her dog sniff me to show that I’m harmless. Small talk about local problems, such as skunks. She said her house smells like one now so I told her give me five minutes and I went home and got two little plastic tubs full of a substance that will remove bad smells. It has worked for me and I keep the top of it in my bedroom in case it’s skunk decides to go by and go, “You’re not going to sleep tonight.“ I went to my other neighbors house and felt kind of stupid because I walked past a car with someone in it and knocked on the door. I had mail that was meant for them, but went to my mailbox. A young woman said she would take the letter. I saw her hair and I complemented her on the weave of it. I lifted up my hat and said I can’t do such things. I often use that joke when I tell people that hair looks good. Giving compliments feels good as long as it’s sincere.

After shopping on Monday, I got out my battery, operated lawnmower and cut my little lawn and trimmed it. As I write this, I smell that odd almost citrusy scent of a skunk coming in from where one is probably walking through my yard tonight. I open a nearby tub of odor be gone or whatever the hell it is and hope like hell it works. Skunks are like raccoons now, urban foragers.

As I was saying, I did a bit of yardwork on Monday. Cut off a couple tree branches as well. I don’t want a neighbor complaining about a tree branch being near her house so squirrels can jump on the roof. Before I went to the grocery store, I did see a possum going underneath the woman’s house next-door. I made sure to get some very expensive animal repellent to spread around my house. Animals smell that shit and they’ll think they’re at a Mexican restaurant because much of it is just spices.

I was napping yesterday and Max landed on me and just to see what would happen. I let her dig at my gums in my mouth. Surprisingly little pain, but it was a bit ridiculous so I said OK baby time to go. Shortly after getting up from that nap, I noticed a chunk of tooth missing. I probably ate it with lunch, but wondered if Max had pulled it out. OK for me to swallow it but not that bird. My dentist told me once that if you swallow a piece of tooth, it will just make it merry way out of you after a couple days without cutting you up so no need to panic. I go to the dentist on Thursday should be a quick fix.

Today, irritable, and feeling very weak and a bit sick. I’m wondering if being outside so much and doing some genuine work kicked my ass. Possibly. My bird is just irritated the shit out of me today. Buddy tried to bite me a couple times and I was like bitch learn dammit learn I’m your buddy. Despite being a bit angry with him, I still kiss his ass or whatever that area would be for him and try to be nice to him. I’m going to try to kill him by making him obese, but that’s not working.

In the past three years since the factory closed, I have grown and changed an amazing amount. The suicidal episode was good for me because it made me seek help and get on some drugs that level me off. Prozac does not make me feel stoned, but I do feel it when I would normally start getting extremely anxious in situations. With the drugs, I use what I learned in therapy and chill my ass out.

I have Thought much about my past about how from a very early age people called me crazy and weird because of anxiety disorder I started having as a kid of five years Age. I was labeled in negative ways by people by schoolmates and teachers. Too many times, the labels others assigned to us we embrace as being real. I’ve recently read about how this happens with people and I thought about and questioned was I the definition of “crazy“? I believe now that all my life, I had a problem with anxiety and at times depression. I had a tough time with it as a kid was put in a hospital for a year. A psych hospital. I don’t think doctors’s new shit about anxiety back in the early 60s. But that experience followed me and grew, and I helped it to grow by being afraid of being anxious when I’ve learned that anxiety is just part of being human we all feel it to some degree. Some of us amplify it by taking it on as an identity or part of an identity. I practiced being a crazy kid and man. Have a panic attack. It’s part of being all that. See A few shrinks because that’s what you do when you think you’re a mess. I’ve looked at myself in my past and wondered what would’ve happened if I had not been called crazy and embraced, and even tried to nurture that label with actions and talk. My father didn’t help at all, although he wanted to, but he did not know how to. But fuck it that was a long time ago and I have decided I am not or ever was “crazy“. I had my issues and I still do, but they are not who I am. Any and all negative descriptions of me by others are not me. They are wrong. I am Scott and that’s all I am.

I have noticed that since I retired and have been old enough to get full Social Security benefits, I have been obsessive about this whole thing about being a senior citizen. Honestly, it’s fucking weird. It’s new to me. I’ve read much about the whole age thing and aging. You see in my mind I don’t feel that old. I’ve read that we all age differently. A lot of that has to do with our lifestyle and how we think. If someone thinks they are a slow weak old person then they will probably be that. The same with so many age related stereotypes and descriptives. You don’t want to be called a baby when you’re a child. Do you want to be one of the big kids. Like a tedious joke, I’ve been milking the senior citizen crap for a while. i’m tired of it and I don’t feel like age restricting myself. I have researched the senior citizen diseases and it looks like I’m OK. I’m also shit lucky in the cancer lottery so far. So much I’ve seen in myself is that my mind decides how I am in age. My doctor said I’ve got good heart and lungs. I quit all alcohol and drugs and junk food. Almost. There must be some protein in chicken nuggets. Oh, and white sugar in that strawberry jam. But it’s not like I’m going out and searching for the stuff. I am doing what I can to keep my house good. Preserve the beast. I am working on my mind about how I see the world and myself so that I do not tear myself down and I can remain with relatively good health. So much bad health is about or created by negative lifestyles.

I am working on not perceiving myself as crazy in the past or present just a bit troubled at times.

I am working on not perceiving myself as some decrepit old person, geezer, senior citizen. OK boomer.

What is the best label to attach to myself regarding age and mental state?

Hello, I am Scott and Scott is all I am in the past and this moment. ( Damn, I wish that skunk would go back to the woods.)

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