Sea change in A new era

I don’t know what has happened but something has. John has been super attentive this last week or so, he took me for a fancy chinese banquet last night, and when he could see I was about to crawl under the table with tiredness, he asked for our main meals to be put in boxes to bring home for supper tonight.

He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking.

I don’t know if I ever wrote about the time I turned up on his doorstep? Let’s just call it black sunday. He had told me he needed space, we hadn’t spoken in over a week, and I thought he was actually losing it. He’d told me countless times that he knows trying to do it alone doesn’t work, yet he was doing that exact same thing again. So I messaged him saying we needed to talk, and turned up on his doorstep.

He was out, walking aimlessly with the dog. But his mum was in. She forced me in and made me tea and biscuits and we chatted about life and I tried not to cry. His uncle ted turned up, and conversation turned to john and the way things were at the time. I just said I didn’t know what to do, that he wouldn’t talk to me, didn’t want to see me, but was floundering on his own.

That must have been a good few weeks ago, literally weeks, and after that he took himself back to the docs, changed his meds, and things started picking up, albeit slowly, and with some days feeling like one step forward and two steps back.

While we were out last night, john told me that Ted had spoken to him this week about that night. He’s been helping Ted with a home improvement project so they’ve spent some time together. Apparently Ted said that john is one lucky bastard, and he hopes he realises it, because girls like me don’t come along every day. That he’s never seen anyone more worried about someone and he could tell just how much I loved john in that moment.

I kinda can’t get over what Ted said. He’s not an emotional man, he’s not a touchy feely guy, if anything he’s rough and a little crude at times! I was shocked when john told me that he’d said anything about our conversation, and I still can’t quite believe it now.

John went on to say to me that he does know how very lucky he is. He’s apologised numerous times lately for the way things have been. I know I said a lot of times that I hoped he’d realise one day how difficult things had been for me during all of this, and I genuinely think he does. He said he’d stumbled across a song by Jessie ware, called say you love me, and cried because it was as if I was singing it to him, every last word was something I’d have said. I realised when i listened to that song that he truly truly understands exactly how I feel about him, and exactly how hard things have been for me while he’s been distant in our relationship.

I know he’s apologised, it was never about an apology. I don’t need him to grovel. There’s absolutely no satisfaction in it to be fair. I know, for the most part, the way he behaved was because of his illness. And when I thought he was just genuinely being a douche I called him out on it at the time, and he apologised at the time. He definitely doesn’t need to apologise for being sick and needing time to get back on track.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully things are headed for a more even keel. I think I’m just gonna enjoy every good moment while we’re having them, and I know that we can weather any storms together. I think John’s starting to realise that too.

Xx