May 5 reflections and incidents in Reflection’s

Today I commented on someone’s entry on a journal site. I found it interesting what they had to say, but I disagreed with some of it because it was like black-and-white stuff. No middle ground. I expressed empathy and stated my differing view and complimented the person. In reply, I was attacked, and it was a bit ugly to me because my intentions whenever I comment are never malicious or insulting in any way. I was mildly upset and wanted to reply to defend myself, but then I realized this person was full of anger and poison. I think no matter what I would say to that person they would attack. I I judged them as “toxic“ an entity, I did not want to engage with in any manner. There was a yuck quality about them. I felt, and I felt the best to just shut up and not reply and block them. I do that when I encounter people with some extremely bad vibes. when I was working, I knew people that were that way, but with men they would get to be violent at times if there was some argument. I found it best to just leave them alone, not engage and politely avoid them and it worked for my peace of mind. My boss of 40 years was a bit sick and that way I feel. When he was very mean and angry, I tried to avoid him. I always had my guard up when he was trying to be nice. It’s a luxury to be able to avoid people that I feel are sick inside and they will not see it, but that’s their choice and it is my choice to choose the way of peace and avoid them. I felt good that way. The way of peace.

Ageism.
As the dictionary definition just said, having looked it up it’s primarily prejudice against older people. Or any other age group.

In recent years, I’ve noticed much hate and negative talk and humor about people of my generation. The boomers. There are so many that assume or say we are all the same and it’s always negative. It’s like saying, all people of a religion or race or ethnicity or political party are the same. It’s like saying all generation this or that are the same. Because my father was very bigoted, I tried not to be like him. I still have racist rantings in the back of my mind, but I take great pride in that I have never called anyone something negative about their. It’s too easy to call someone some negative label about a group we put them in. I never felt any prejudice in my life being a white male in the USA. It was not until I became old or one of those old people of the boomer generation that I felt prejudice. Bigotry. I have listened to other people talk about why and part of it is because my generation talks bad about other generations. My parents generation talked bad about my generation because we were young people. And of course, when I was a kid, all old people were stupid. But I don’t recall anything specific. I think we resented them because they were the generation that had the power over us. We were so different from them with our music and how we looked and dressed and had our hair. But I realize that happens with many generations clashing that intolerance. Fear of the different, which is why quite often there are wars. If it’s different, and you feel threatened by it fear it and attack it. Racial hate. Ethnic conflicts. Different political. Religious differences and intolerances. There are so many reasons for us to hate each other because a fear of the differences. That is how I see it. The Jews were collected and put in concentration camps because to simplify it. They were very different to some non Jews. It’s easy to hate someone if you see them as so different from you. I wonder about men that hate women or vice versa. There are so many ways we can hate and loathe those different from us. We can note how they slighted us or did not respect us and vilify them that way. Or paint them as being stupid because we are so much better. With ageism people of different generations find ways to fear and loathe each other. Bigotry and prejudice are so much the same based on so much the same. I have thought so much about this and realize that we need to be empathetic toward all others. To see them as simply fellow humans. I sometimes referred to other people as “humans“. It feels good that way. To have some respect if I feel, they deserve it as people. No matter the other differences from me. It is something for me to practice to be a better person. A better human. It’s like there are other life forms that I may not be fond of, but I need to see them as fellow living things. To empathize as much as I can with all living beings.

I worked for letting for nearly 50 years at one main job and other smaller jobs. I was used to getting a paycheck every Friday or whenever payday was. When I was forced into retirement, I was joyful that I could collect Social Security. It’s all I have to live on. It’s barely enough, but that’s wonderful to me. I can pay the bills and survive. But it is still strange to me such a novelty to wait once a month for money to be deposited in my bank account so that I can continue to survive. I never thought I’d live this long to be able to do that but the many years of hard work allowed me to. Fixed income. A set amount of money to live on every month. after paying the bills, the rent and buying the food for four weeks. I’m always down to a few dollars in my checking account. It is now a ritual for me that when the day of my Social Security comes to be deposited in my account, I tend to worry that something might stop that flow of funds for me. For example, last month, I checked my bank account a few times and felt anxiety when the funds were not deposited at the normal time. When they were deposited, I felt such incredible joy. Only a minor glitch in the system. But enough to cause me anxiety about survival. Tomorrow, seeing how I acted last month, I will be more patient and accepting of what happens. But it is something I never dreamed of, living to be in such a situation.

I did not go for a walk on my treadmill for several days and my body would remind me that I have not. My legs become like dogs, knowing they will go for a walk so they huddled near the front door waiting. My legs talk to me and say OK you fat fuck let’s go. tomorrow morning, when I wake up, the mood of my legs will be good because I took care of them and I took care of myself. It’s a good thing.